Potter Induced Madness
by FallenMystery
Summary: Lily hates James because he drives her crazy. Crazy enough that she finds herself spending a lot of time talking to the little voice and making midnight trips to the kitchens for brownies. LJ hate love
1. Day One

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: Eh, I probably don't own harry potter and the rest of the WB's crap…

I glanced back at Chip, who grinned excitedly at me. We had been friends since before we got our Hogwarts letters. Long before. Hell, we've been friends since before we could properly spell the _word_ 'letter'. Or 'Hogwarts', for that matter. Actually, I'm still not exactly sure how to spell that one. I mean, come on, I didn't grow up practicing the spelling for a pig's skin condition. Okay, so I'm probably getting you way confused. I should explain.

I'm generally known as Lily Evans, and I'm a witch, you see. I may have a ::small:: anger problem, but not as big as—

"DIE, YOU GODFORSAKEN BASTARD!"

Not as big as my best friend Chipper Poseidon. She's over there, trying to maneuver herself out from under some other first year who seems to have fallen on her on his way through the barrier.

"Chip, what did you get yourself into?" I asked, smirking. Two attractive boys helped their comrade up from the ground. Well, up from on top of Chip, anyway. I helped my friend up. There was an awkward silence as Chip tried to think of a proper insult for the shaggy-haired boy who had landed on top of her. The boys took this time to look us both over, most likely mentally undressing us. You know, because that's how boys' minds seem to work.

Chip and I swear to the Greek Gods that we were separated at birth. We're exactly the same height and have exactly the same build: slender, delicate, I guess you could call it elegant. We basically share a wardrobe. The only real difference between us is our hair and eyes. I have textbook-definition red, curly hair and bottle-green eyes. Chip has raven's wing black hair and blue eyes that are shot through with purple.

The train whistle blew, making all of us "poor" little first years scatter and run like mad. Chip and I piled into a compartment. The three erring boys followed, unfortunately. _Most _unfortunately.

"James Potter," said the one with messy hair and hazel eyes. I groaned.

"Please tell me that you're not going to try to… _get to know us?"_

He looked affronted. "You realize that we will be attending the same school for the next seven years."

I nodded. "And?"

"And my name is James Potter."

"Remus Lupin," said the sandy-haired boy with amber eyes.

"And I'm Sirius," said the shaggy haired one with gray eyes. He was the one who had fallen on top of Chip coming through the barrier.

"About what?" Chip and I asked at the same time, giggling to each other.

"That's my _name_," he said rolling his eyes. Chip and I exchanged glances. We decided that we didn't like these boys very much at all. Yes, we. Great. Now I sound schizophrenic. And the little voice in my head isn't helping. Er, right.

"Lily Evans," I told him, just waiting for Chip to—

"I'm Chipper," Chip said brightly, eyes sparkling.

The boys looked at her. "Why?" Sirius asked. Wow, isn't he the hypocrite?

"You know, I don't know," she said thoughtfully.

"It's the uppers," I told her gently.

"But my mum doesn't have a stash," she protested. See, if her mother _had_ been on uppers, then she very well might have named Chip Chipper.

"…"

"I checked."

"Always do a thorough job," I agreed. My dear Aunt Sally, the strange looks those boys are giving us.

"But why are you _chipper?"_ James asked.

"No, no, no," Chip said, shaking her head. "Chipper, not chipper."

"She's also the daughter of a Greek God."

"…"

"Well, she is."

"…"

"…"

"But why is she chipper?"

"Coming from a boy named 'Sirius'?" she wanted to know, wide- eyed.

I shook my head. "What is the world coming to?"

"I just don't know."

The boys quickly excused themselves, saying they'd find another compartment, so as not to intrude on our privacy. Chip and I high-fived when they left, settling down into the empty space.

Really, we're the kind of people you love or you hate. I'm a little more amiable than Chip, but that isn't saying much. We both have pretty short fuses and very quick minds. And lemme tell ya… We're so not modest. Yes. Again with the 'we'.

A/N: Love it? Great, leave me a review and boost my self confidence! Hate it? Too bad, leave me a review that rips my heart to shreds, then stop reading it, you moron!

Sam


	2. Maple Syrup Guzzling

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: If you-don't-own-harry-potter-and-his-associates-but-you-really-wish-you-did-so-you-harbor-your-love-for-his-world-by-writing-about-it-on-fanfiction **clap your hands :clap clap:** If you-don't-own-harry-potter-and-his-associates-but-you-really-wish-you-did-so-you-harbor-your-love-for-his-world-by-writing-about-it-on-fanfiction **clap your hands :clap clap:** If you-don't-own-harry-potter-and-his-associates-but-you-really-wish-you-did-so-you-harbor-your-love-for-his-world-by-writing-about-it-on-fanfiction **and you really wanna show it**, If you-don't-own-harry-potter-and-his-associates-but-you-really-wish-you-did-so-you-harbor-your-love-for-his-world-by-writing-about-it-on-fanfiction **clap your hands :clap clap:** Now do it out loud!

Chip and I stumbled down to breakfast the next morning, bleary-eyed and hating the world. It _would_ be just our luck to get sorted into the same house as those prats, wouldn't it? Bad karma, lemme tell ya. We entered the GREAT Hall, scowling and muttering death sentences to all who got in our way. Chip stopped dead in her tracks.

I turned to her, confused. Her mouth was slightly ajar and her eyes were wide in shock? Fear? Constipation? Nah, rule out the last one. She pointed a trembling finger to the Gryffindor table. Speak Lassie, speak! Eh, whatever. My eyes followed her gaze to none other than James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Sirius Black. (We found out the Emotion's last name at the sorting) I froze in horror at the sight.

James Potter. Had a goblet. Full of… dare I say it? MAPLE SYRUP. My sensitive and highly-attuned nostrils could pick up the sent of a drop of maple syrup ten miles away on a military battle field. Maple Syrup. No. It couldn't be! I wanted to cry. Instead, I marched right up to the prat, Chipper behind me, wailing about the inhumanity of it all.

"Put. The goblet. Down," I instructed icily.

The Potter kid looked at me, confused, and smirked. Oh, if I could just SLAP that smirk off of his face without getting 'House Points' taken away… But come on, what the hell are 'House Points'? Seriously? They're just a way for teachers to threaten students into behaving. I'm insulted! I'm affronted! I'm also getting sidetracked!

"Look at what we have here, boys! The Red-Headed Wonder and the Girl-Named-After-An-Emotion."

"Good morning Product Of A Raise and Muggle Radio Device," Chip chirped happily. A friend once commented that Chip was capable of making someone want to punch her just for saying hello. Oh hey, kind of like now!

"Potter," I said haughtily. "Put the maple syrup down. You insult the fine art of Maple Syrup Guzzling."

He smirked. DAMN THAT SMIRK. How bad is this? I've known this kid for less than twenty four hours, and there's already something I HATE about him! Actually, there're a few things I hate about him, come to think of it… "I am the Master of Maple Syrup Guzzling, I'll have you know."

"Wait, you guys _capitalize _it?" Remus wanted to know. We ignored the Voice of Reason. Two galleons say that that's going to turn into a trend. Ya know, ignoring the Voice of Reason.

"Maybe, but I'm the _Queen_."

"Bring it on, wench."

.xXx.

Half an hour later, Chip dragged me on to Transfiguration, our first class of the day. I hiccuped absently, a little on the sugar-high side from our Maple Syrup Guzzling Competition. Which I so totally won, by the way.

"Where's the professor?" Chip asked suspiciously as we sat down.

"Probably out, ya know," Sirius mimicked someone smoking. Chip threw a book at him.

"Bloody wanker."

"That insults me greatly," he said, placing a hand over his "heart".

"Really, 'cos I meant it as a compliment," Chip said sarcastically.

"Wait, are you serious?"

Chip sighed dramatically. "For the thousandth time! I'm _Chipper_, okay, CHIP-ER."

James groaned. "Oh no, this is going to be like the whole 'You can't be Sirius; _I'm_ Sirius' thing, isn't it?"

"…But I'm not Sirius. I'm Chipper." The whole class groaned.

"You're one messed up kid," Sirius said, shaking his head.

"Yeah? Well I think you're a—" What, exactly, Chipper thought Sirius was, we never discovered. Her word's were cut off by our two combined high-pitched-girly-screams as the cat leapt off of the professor's desk and took form of, well, the professor herself. The professor gave us a reproving look.

"This is a class of _witches and wizards_, and every year, _every year_, someone screams…" she muttered to herself.

From that day on, unofficial war was declared between us and that 'posse'.

A/N: Questions? Comments? Adoring fan letters? Send 'em to me in reviews, my pretty little… eh, I dunno what to call you guys. Ooh, send a REVIEW, letting me know what I should call you! I'll pick my favorite one.  Yes, I know, cheap shot.


	3. Love Triangle

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: I'm going to get a bullet proof shield and a rocket launcher. See if those lawyers can take me to court THEN! Muahahahahahahaha! Er, yeah…

Chip and I were carrying two cages of pixies to our DADA class, on McGonagall's orders. See, 'cos Mickey trusts us. ::evil grin::. However, we were stopped dead in our tracks as a vat of purple gooey stuff was released on our heads. I'll give you one guess whose fault _this_ is. It helps if you look a bit over to our right, where the 'Marauders' are laughing their asses off. I very _calmly_, and I stress _calmly_, scourgified myself. Because I am far more emotionally and magically mature than those prats.

Chip threw herself at Black. Speaking of maturity… Go Chip, go! Ooh, I should start taking bets! Nah, Chip'd have all the votes, that's for sure. The two second years tussled around on the ground, Sirius getting rather covered in this purple slime.

"Wow, Evans, didn't know your little friend was so eager!" Called Potter, smirking.

"Shut up, you perverted bastard!" I yelled back. Slughorn waded through the crowd. I immediately adopted the attitude of 'woe is me, those silly Marauders have taken advantage of my friend and me _again_.'

"Alright, who started it?"

"Those Marauders," I piped up, my eyes wide. "They dumped this disgusting stuff on Chip and myself, then that Black simply _attacked_ her!" Everyone in the hallway rolled their eyes behind the professor. Of course, everyone was grinning, so… well, except the Marauders.

"It's okay, Lily," the professor said gently. ::inward evil smirk:: Slughorn worships the ground I brew potions on. His face hardened as he turned to the erring boys. I smirked at them around the professor's wide back. "Detention for a week, all three of you." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It only would've been for, say, a day or two if I wasn't Slughorn's favorite. He left, and I once again pulled Chip up from the ground, quietly cleaning her up.

"Evans, you—" I looked up at Potter, silencing him with an evil grin.

"Can't take what you give, Potter?"

Potter leaned down to me. "That was a single battle, Evans," he hissed. "And this is a _war_."

As one, Chip and I smirked and snapped our fingers. The doors to the pixie cages swung open. The strange little blue things attacked the Marauders. Chip and I backed into a corner, pretending to look frightened.

"What is this?" asked McGonagall.

"The boys thought it would be funny to release the pixies on us, Professor!" Chip said, her voice quavering.

McGonagall gave the boys a long look. "You three. Detention for a week."

"But, we already _have_ detention for a week!" Black said. Dumbass.

"Then you have it for _two_ weeks, Mr. Black. Addition is a simple concept." The professor walked back to her classroom in a swirl of robes. "Come on, Ladies. Leave the cages for the boys to put the pixies in. I'll come with you two to make your excuses to the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor."

"Thank you, Professor," we chorused quietly, walking slightly behind our superior. You know, I must admire the way this woman dresses. Seriously! Rich velvet, and that lovely broach at her throat! If only she'd do something with her hair… Okay, so I'm getting distracted again. We turned around and made faces at the boys standing behind us. This makes what? Girls… goodness, I think I've lost track….

"Girls: 59, boys: 0," Chip said as we found our seats. Mickey was talking to Lancet, our professor. When will those silly boys learn? They just can't win! Mickey left, and eventually the Marauders walked in.

"Boys!" Barked the professor. "You're late! Since the rest of your House was on time, I don't want to take House Points, so, we'll settle on detention." The boys winced and wordlessly nodded. Professor Lancet returned to the lesson. "Now, pixies…"

I pulled out my note-taking materials and began taking notes, occasionally sipping from a flask. Two guesses as to what it has in it! Chip slid a piece of paper over to me. On it was written her hand writing in a brilliant sapphire blue.

_**Is that a flask?**_

_Yes._ I wrote back in my own token emerald ink.

**_There's maple syrup in it, isn't there?_** Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!

_Yeah, want some?_

**_That's disgusting._**

I shrugged and returned my attention to professor Lancet. Something hit me in the back of my head. I whipped around in my seat to find three very innocent looking Marauders. Since Marauders are hardly innocent, I pretty much figured out who hit me in the back of the head. And the Genius of the Year Award goes to…

Oh, look, they had hit me in the head with a wad of paper! Let's see what it says, shall we?

Is that a flask, Evans? Five o'clock somewhere, eh?

-JP

_Piss off, Potter._

_-LE_

I tossed the note behind me. Unfortunately, it hit Black. He opened the note and scribbled something down on it. Next, it hit Chip on the back of the head. She rolled her eyes and opened it.

**Ya know, Poseidon, I had no idea you were that eager to get on the ground with me.**

**-SB**

"Oh, for the love of—gimme that," she said, tearing the flask from my grasp and guzzling the entire contents.

"Hey!"

"It's for the greater good, love, trust me."

**_Black, if I wanted to see you on the floor, I'd Avada you._**

_**-CP**_

**_ps—I didn't know you could spell__Poseidon!_**

Chip tossed the note backwards. Potter read my earlier statement to him. Black read Chip's response.

**That hurts me, love! I'll have you know that I'm a very accomplished speller.**

**-SB**

**_Please! I'm surprised you can even spell your name!_**

_**-CP**_

_He can't, you goose! That's why he's writing his initials._

_-LE_

Hey, an insult to my mate is an insult to me!

-JP

_Yes! Two in one, we strike the gay lovers down! _

_-LE_

_**Again!**_

_**-CP**_

**WE'RE NOT GAY!**

**-SB**

_However, you DO sound schizophrenic, what with that 'we'._

_-LE_

**_But seriously. You guys do spend a disgusting amount of time together to still be 'MANLY MEN'._**

_**-CP**_

_That's a very good point._

_-LE_

I think you greatly misunderstand 'male bonding' and being gay.

-JP

**Aka, WE'RE NOT GAY!!**

**-SB**

_Don't worry, Potter, I'm not at all offended by your lifestyle. I think you, Lupin, and Black would make a cute… trio, actually._

_-LE_

James was busy scrawling a furious retort, when I saw professor Lancet lean over James and slide the paper out from under his quill. Potter and Black went kind of white. Haha, get it? Black, white? HAHAHA… okay, shut up. I'm maple syrup deprived.

The handsome young professor read the note over, then looked at us all. "Now, if we're done discussing Potter, Lupin, and Black's… er, _mutual_ love interests, let's continue the lesson." The entire class cracked up laughing, except the three Marauders. They turned beet red and sank down in their chairs.

"As I was saying…"

"Girls: 60, boys: zilch!" I whispered to Chip.

She grinned evilly. "And just five years to go!"

If only we had understood what that statement was going to bring upon us.

A/N: Like what you're reading? Lemme know!


	4. Fireworks

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: I would so _love_ to have a set of three gorgeous, built, slim, lean teenage boys following my beck and call (Sirius, James, and Remus), but only Jo has _true_ power over them. Which totally doesn't make sense, because Sirius' heart AND BODY belong to me, so it doesn't make sense that She controls his public image. But, whatever.

"But, my love! We're meant for each other, can't you see!" Wait for it. _Wait_ for it…

**::SMACK!:: **Sirius is practicing his players' lines on Chip. Again. One day he _will_ learn that it really isn't the smartest thing to practice said lines on the most temperamental fourth year this school has ever seen. Possibly.

**::SMACK!::**

And one day Chip will learn that one punch from her is more than enough to make guys learn their lesson.

"Uncle, UNCLE!"

**::SMACK!::**

"MY NAME IS CHIP, YOU GODFORSAKEN BASTARD!" Chip seems to enjoy calling him that. Of course, it is rather fitting…

"Siriusly?"

**::SMACK!::**

"That joke is getting old!"

"So is 'Chipper.'"

**::SMACK!::**

"Is not!"

"WILL YOU STOP BEATING ME, WOMAN?!"

"Sexist pig! Oi! You! Get back here!"

There was the slamming of the portrait as Sirius fled for his life. Chip came up to the room, smug as the cat who ate the canary.

"Pleased, are we?" I asked.

"Oh, he is _so_ cute when he gets flustered like that!"

I stared at her. "Did you, Queen of beating Sirius Black down, did you just call him _cute?"_

"Yes. But he's still a womanizing, sexist pig who I can't stand to hear speak."

"But he's _cute?"_ I choked.

"Lily, have you _seen_ the body on that boy?!"

"I thought you hated him!"

"I do," she assured me. "But I still think he's gorgeous. However, boys like him should be seen, not heard."

I shook my head. This phase should last for about a week. Then she'll find some other hottie to dote on.

.xXx.

**AND NOW, WE STEP INTO THE MIND OF JAMES POTTER!!! PLEASE KEEP ALL HANDS AND FEET INSIDE THE BOY'S MIND, AND DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING. YOU MAY BECOME CONTAMINATED, THEN LILY WON'T LET YOU BACK INTO _HER_ MIND. THANK YOU.**

Remus and I grinned at Sirius. He has some very lovely bruises. I mean, I'm very, very impressed. Really! That girl has an arm on her! Sirius and I tossed a Quaffle back and forth.

"So, Sirius, get a beat down from the Emotion this morning?" I asked.

Sirius glared and PURPOSEFULLY tried to decapitate me with the Quaffle. Meanie. "Maybe."

"Sirius, there's no point in denying it," Remus told him. "Chip's the only one in this school, besides James and myself, who would _dare_ disfigure your face."

"You know, that's very true," Sirius mused.

"Then why do you keep pissing with her?" I wanted to know.

"It's so much fun to piss her off!" Remus and I rolled our eyes.

"Why don't you mess with someone who doesn't have such a good aim?" Remus suggested. Sirius tossed the Quaffle to me. AH! Quaffle! Aim! Emotion Girl! THAT'S IT!

"THAT'S IT!" I shouted. My mates looked at me like I was mad. Okay, maybe I am. "We need that girl to go out for Quidditch next year! I'll be Captain, and I'll MAKE SURE she tries out!"

They both stared at me. "What makes you think _you'll_ be Captain?" Sirius said, cracking his knuckles. I shook my head.

"Not the point! If she's strong enough and has good enough aim to hit Sirius' face—"

"—not like his head is a small target—"

"—then imagine what she could do with a Quaffle!" Silence… silence…

"OH MY GOD!"

.xXx.

**WE NOW HEAD BACK INTO THE MIND OF THE EVER-GLORIOUS LILY EVANS. YOU WILL FIRST BE STEAM-WASHED, DISINFECTED, THEN BLOW DRIED AND VACUUMED, SO THAT NO TRACE OF JAMES POTTER TOUCHES LILY EVANS' SENSITIVE MIND. THANK YOU.**

"Oi! Evans!" Oh my God… Will not pull out wand, will not pull out wand, will not pull out wand. My fingers twitched towards my wand pocket, but I settled on walking faster. "Evans! Evans? Oi, are you running from me? EVANS!!"

"WHAT?" I screamed, turning around. James bloody Potter came bounding up to me. That energetic berk. "What could you _possibly_ want, you bloody wanker?"

He looked at me for a long moment as he caught up. Then he fell in stride beside me, his long legs easily keeping pace. That long-legged bastard and his long legs. Bastard. "You've been picking up language from Poseidon, haven't you?"

"Piss off."

"Yes, most definitely."

"Hey Lils!" Chip said, squeezing in between us. "Hello, prat." Okay, how close was he _walking_, that Chip had to _squeeze_ between us?!

"Hello, Emotion."

"What are we talking about?" she asked suspiciously.

"I don't know," I said, contemplating this very fact.

"Well, then," Chip said, slapping James on the back. "You, leave. I wanna talk to Lils."

"Fine," he said. "I can tell when I'm not loved."

"Like right now?" I asked. He made a face and sauntered away. There was something on his back…

"DUCK!" Chip squealed, pulling me, along with herself, behind a very burly seventh year Hufflepuff. And the Fillabusters' wet-start fire work she had just stuck to Potter's back exploded. Very nicely done, Chip, _very_ nicely done. Unfortunately, we will now have to amputate her hand, as she _did_, in fact, touch a Marauder. Oh, wait. She punches Sirius all the time… eh, that's different.

"Girls: 103, boys 68," I said. Yes, unfortunately, those prats have learned how to deal with us, somewhat. But we're still so totally winning. And then. _Then_ we stepped into the GREAT Hall. What a total mistake _that_ was.

Three cream pies launched our direction. Chip and I ducked behind the very burly seventh year. Yes. They hit him. All three Marauders turned dead white. Our very burly yummy man-goodness of a protector? Throttled their asses so well… it is a day I will never forget.

Girls: 104, boys: 68.


	5. Replacement

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: I doooooooooooooooooon't ooooooooooooooooooooown haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarry poooooooooooooooooooootter. Theeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeend.

Why is Chip looking at Black that way?! It's been FAR more than a week, for Christ sake! Oh my god. Why do I have a sudden urge to throw something at my best friend in the whole wide world? Oh yeah. 'COS SHE'S GOT THE HOTS FOR THE ENEMY!!!!!!!!!!! That's like… taboo.

"Hey Poseidon," Black drawled. Damn the drawl, damn the drawl, damn the drawl!

"Piss off, Black," she replied, just as lazily. Okay, Lily, breathe, just breathe. See, she doesn't really like that yellow-bellied prat. She just… oh shit.

"Go to Hogsmeade with me?" Utter silence echoed throughout the Common Room. Well, except for that kid over there who seems to have inhaled his sugar quill when Sirius announced the end of his life. The kid's choking, by the way. Hmm, maybe I should do, like, CPR or something. No, wait, that's for dead people. Oh, wow, I'm getting distracted. … again.

"Sure," Chip replied casually.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I shouted. Then I realized that I wasn't the only one shouting. So was Potter. Potter and I shouted. The same thing. At the same time. Oh my god, we had the same thought. HOLY SHIT, POTTER CAN THINK! Agh, I'm distracted. Again. Haha, that kid's still choking. Er, right.

"SIRIUS, HOW COULD YOU!"

"…"

"She's the enemy!"

"James. Have you _seen_ the body on this girl?" Sirius asked, quirking an eyebrow. Damn eyebrow.

"Sirius!" James was on his feet, glaring fit to kill the dead. Whoa.

Sirius unfurled his long legs and stood gracefully, like a great cat. Those long legged bastards. "Is that a problem, James?" he asked, his voice suddenly deadly soft.

"I do believe it is. Sirius." They were face to face now, bodies tense, ready to spring into action. Wow. Could they look more like brothers?

"Could they look more like brothers?" Chip asked me softly. I stared at her.

"Chip! That's the enemy!"

"Lily."

"WHAT?"

"You just had the same thought as Potter."

"Dammit."

We looked up to find that the boys had disappeared. They probably got distracted by something shiny and followed it. Maybe if I'm lucky, it led them off of a cliff and they died. Haha. Shiny.

.xXx.

Two days later, Chip and I were at dinner. Eating. Pretending to be normal people. Eating. Then we heard the voices. Goodness, how psycho did that sound? WE heard the VOICES. Anyway, it's a lot less schizophrenic than it sounds—I promise!

"Chipper?"

"Lily?"

As one, Chip and I turned around. Behind us were standing two very, very, attractive fifth year Ravenclaws. Haha. They're twins, I do believe. I'm so genius. They're completely identical. They have gorgeous blue eyes and light brown hair. And they're muscled. Ooh, yummy Quidditch players. Ooh.

"I'm Brandon," said the one in front of me.

"And I'm Travis," the one in front of Chip declared.

"We were wondering if you ladies would care to accompany us to Hogsmeade."

Chip and I shared a look, then turned back to the boys. "Yes," we said simultaneously. Travis took one of Chip's hands, and Brandon one of mine. They kissed our hands, smiled charmingly, and left. We shared a moment of silence in respect for male perfection. Yummy.

"Chip, what are you going to do about Black?" I asked her.

Chip looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

"You already promised to go with him…"

Chip blinked. "Oh. So I did! Oi! Black!" she hollered down the table.

"Yeah?" he yelled back.

"Cancel Saturday!"

"WHAT?!" he bellowed, completely shocked.

"I've found someone else to go with," she explained for all the Hall to hear.

.xXx.

**BACK TO DEAR JAMESIE'S POV!! **

Sirius' face was a mask of death when he turned to face the rest of us Marauders. Remus and I were equally shocked.

"My reputation," he whimpered.

"May it rest in peace," Remus said quietly. We respectfully bowed our heads, mourning the loss of such a perfect thing.

"My reputation," Sirius repeated. "My god, I think that girl has shattered my heart, too. She's out to destroy me," he decided.

I clasped Sirius' shoulder in a brotherly way. "I'm truly sorry, mate. A reputation is a terrible thing to lose. As is a heart," I added last minute.

"Chipper Poseidon will pay," he whispered, face calculating.

"Why the hell is that kid still choking on that bloody sugar quill?!"


	6. Death By Potato

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: The hazy light floated down and graced the crisp pages of the book. The young girl eagerly turned the pages, searching for the secrets embedded in their depths. Brackish tears flowed from her amber eyes as she read the fate of her Knight. He had once stood tall and proud, his passionate and brooding personality drawing the maidens to his feet. Through the pages, she had been such a maiden, looking into his lovely gray eyes and knowing the secrets within them. And now… Now his life was shattered, and her heart along with it. Her delicate fingers brushed the hateful words so softly that they might have been caressing his lips. _I would not have been so cruel, love,_ she thought, his handsome smile echoing in her mind. _Rest well, Sirius Black. _

**At the sound of that, do you think I would have killed Sirius? Huh? Do ya?**

The twins presented Chip and I with their arms, which we gracefully accepted. Brandon turned out to be rather interesting. And a Quidditch player… yummy… Er, yeah. Um, if ever I had the feeling that someone was following me, it would be now. I glanced over my shoulder at least ten times on the way to the carriage. Once inside, I settled down.

"So, Brandon, what's your favorite class?" I asked.

His face lit up. "Charms, most definitely!" I grinned because Charms is my favorite class in the WORLD. We settled down into an intense conversation. By the time we got to Hogsmeade, I was totally relaxed. Then we got out of the carriage. The feeling of being watched returned. One look at Chip told me that she felt it too.

On our way into the Three Broomsticks, I stopped. I saw two dark heads quickly disappear around a corner. Oh my God, they wouldn't…

"Hey, Brandon, Travis?"

"Yeah?" they chorused.

"Are you guys fast runners?"

They grinned. "You could say that," Travis admitted.

"Good. RUN!" The four of us sprinted down the street. A torrent of colored snowballs pelted us. Which means the Marauders _created_ snowballs, 'cos it's NOT snowy outside.

"Oi! Come back here and fight like a man! Er, men!" A jinx hit Travis, who started floating. Chip screamed and grabbed onto his feet. She was lifted off of the ground. I grabbed her legs just in time. Then Brandon grabbed me. We all kind of started floating away. Chip was screaming bloody murder.

"Sorry if this is a little awkward," Brandon apologized. The side of his face was pressed into my hip while he held on to my thighs.

"Not at all," I said cheerfully. "But I think I'll kill Potter anyway."

"Good, I'll help!" Chip agreed between screams. "After I kill Black and dispose of the evidence, of course."

"You know, it's a very odd sensation, to be flying," Travis mused.

"POTTER!" I screamed. Laughter. More laughter. That bloody—

"**BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"** screamed Chip with all of the might in her five foot four body. **"GET ME THE HELL DOWN FROM HERE THIS INSTANT!"**

"Why would I do that?" he called.

"**BECAUSE I WILL EVENTUALLY GET DOWN, AND I'M NOT AFRAID OF AZKABAN, YOU BASTARD—FLOBBERWORM—WANKER—PRAT—BERK—POTATO—THING!"**

"Did she just call you a potato?" Potter asked.

"**GET. ME. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!"**

Sirius very quickly removed the curse from Travis. What. An. Idiot. Which means we all fell out of the sky from, like, three stories up. Remember the piercing shriek Chip was belting out when we were flying? Well I think we quadrupled that while falling out of the sky. Each. I mean seriously. Glass shattered.

We all landed in a tangle of limbs and robes. James and Sirius stared. Ohhhhhhhhhh. I think I'm going to diieeeeeeeee. Chip and I moaned in pain. The twins groaned. Searing pain in chest…

"Chipper?" Travis wheezed, a bruise spreading across his handsome face.

"Not so chipper. I think Sirius broke my leg," Chip moaned. "And possibly my middle finger." I thought she was joking. But really, her middle finger looks broken!

"Are you okay?" Brandon asked me, holding an obviously broken arm. Lucky Travis—at least he was cushioned by the rest of us! Bloke only got out with a bruised face while the rest of us are busy nursing BROKEN BODY PARTS.

"Ribs," I gasped. "Broken. Lots of pain." I moaned again. James and Sirius were no where to be seen. Those cowardly bastard flobberworms. Owwwwwwwwww.

None of us could move to go get help. Travis was entangled in Chip's legs—moving would upset her broken leg. My upper body was cushioned by Brandon's legs, so he couldn't leave without hurting me. The rest of our body parts were just enormously tangled.

"HELP!" Travis bellowed.

"Oh god, I think I'm going to be sick," Chip said, eyes screwed closed, swallowing convulsively. Oh, Chip, PLEASE don't puke! Gah, if she pukes, then I will, and that would NOT make my ribs happy! I was vaguely aware of faces swimming across my vision. Shocked, dismayed, voices. Then a dark wave of pain. I was aware that they were carefully separating all of us.

"We called for Madame Pomfrey," said a gentle voice. "What happened?"

Kay, so, let's very kindly just call me 'incoherent', shall we? I had one thought on my mind. "Black… Potter… flying… potato… death… Chipper… hide evidence… Azkaban…"

"What has she to say?" someone asked.

"Something about a black pot being sent to a happy death by a flying potato and hiding the evidence so no one goes to Azkaban. I think…"

"Alrighty then."

"Chipper?" I asked blearily. I have to know if she's okay.

"Kill… Black," she muttered, eyes still tightly shut.

"Here, drink this." I painfully swallowed the concoction and sank under the comforting blanket of sleep.


	7. Fun Suckers

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: Has anyone noticed how Jo suddenly acquired a taste for blood?

**Book Four**: She killed the very beautiful Cedric Diggory. ::Bawls::

**Book Five**: She actually killed the rebellious, handsome, Marauder Sirius Black. ::Bawls more::

Book Six: She really killed Dumbledore. I can't believe it, still. ::runs off to get MORE tissues:: 

**Book Seven**: She says she'll kill two more people, AND possibly Harry. Now, my take on this? I don't think she'll really kill Harry, but she might simply because she's already proved to be cruel. I think she might kill Ginny, just to make Harry suffer more, but then, she might not, 'cos Ginny's already had her bout with the Dark Lord. I do think she'll kill Snape, however. He still owes a debt to the Potter family, and I think he'll pay it with his life. Or a Weasley. If she kills Draco Malfoy, I will personally lead a protest. I swear, that woman simply doesn't want us to have any eye candy!

Well, when Chip and I got out of the Hospital wing, the Marauders lied low for a while. Bastards. Chip still used crutches, and had her middle finger splinted. Travis still had a shadow of a bruise on his face. Brandon's arm was still in a sling. My ribs were still taped.

Did we rat out the Marauders? No, no we didn't. It's much more fun to watch them cower and squirm whenever a teacher calls one of their names. _They_ don't know that we didn't squeal. Besides, possibility for future blackmail AND extortion. Oh, the glory, the power!

Did we rig traps around school for them? You bet we did! Now it was 119: 70 (if you count the Hogsmeade incident) and the Marauders were making no gesture in return. Which kind of sucks the fun out of it. Not that I'm complaining.

Until, of course, I had an epiphany. The Marauders were heading out of the GREAT Hall one night, when Chip and I used quickly aimed spells to make them fall and slide in whipped cream. People laughed. Hell, _we_ laughed! The Marauders wordlessly picked themselves up and left the room. Their faces dark with… anger? Shame?

I ducked my head. Nooooooooooooooooo. They really did suck all the fun out of it! THOSE FUN-SUCKERS! Haha, switch the first two letters. Haha. Er, not the point. Chip was grinning triumphantly. We were as bad as the Marauders! True, our tricks weren't harmful, but either way, we were humiliating people who weren't fighting back. It was different, you know, when they'd give some snappy retort or jinx us right back. Now it's… wrong.

"Those bastard fun-suckers," I muttered.

"HAHAHAHAHA! Hey, Lils, if you switch the first two letters—" Told you we share a mind.

"Chip! This is wrong! They won't fight back; it's not fun anymore."

Chip shook her head. "For you maybe." She smiled unsettlingly. "I, however, will always find amusement in shaming Sirius Black. Now if you excuse me, I'm off to go spray chocolate sauce on him or something." She picked up her crutches and hobbled out of the Hall. I quickly finished my dinner and limped after her, trying not to jostle my ribs.

Wait… One of the whipped-cream tracks doesn't head to the Common Room... I frowned and followed the errant tracks. Chocolate syrup splattered the hall in one spot. Suddenly I realized that I was in climbing up into the Astronomy Tower. Hey, is that one of Chip's crutches? Chocolate sprinkles… Human-sized splat of whipped cream on the wall… That was a cherry over there. Oi, that's another crutch!

Then I did one of the dumbest things I have ever done in my entire life. I regret it to this day. I walked out onto the astronomy tower. To find my best friend and Sirius Black on the ground, both covered in whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and chocolate sprinkles. Snogging.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE! I would have screamed, had my sore ribs permitted it. I tried my best to hold my dinner in as I turned and fled for my life.

Back in normal hallways, I collided with a whipped cream covered James Potter. My ribs screamed and I clutched at Potter's robes to keep myself standing. He braced me, then the second I could breathe again he released me like a hot stone.

"Have you seen Sirius?"

I wordlessly pointed up the staircase. Okay, one last bit of nastiness. If I'm going to be scarred for life, I'm sharing my pain. A few moments later, Potter tumbled down the steps, his face a mask of death.

"Thank you, Evans, I will now die fifty years sooner than I intended to." (A/N: How true!)

I scowled. "Potter, you understand why I'm more pissed at you than normal."

Potter grimaced. "Because I'm what you might describe as a fun-sucker? HAHAHA! Hey look, if you switch the first two letters—"

"Yes, yes, I know. But what's with the fun-sucking?" He grinned. "Don't…"

Potter turned suddenly serious. "Let's just say that the incident in Hogsmeade was kind of an eye-opener for us. We realized that… people could get injured—"

"—killed!—"

"—by incautious pranks. We're temporarily… chastised, shall we say."

"Potter?"

"Yes, Evans?"

"Our best friends are upstairs _snogging!"_

"GAH! I was trying to _ignore_ the imaged burned into my eyeballs! Thank you for calling attention to it!"

"Get out of here before I hurt you." He winked saucily and sauntered away, leaving me to my own thoughts.

Those blasted Marauders are up to something, and I don't think it's a prank. Something bigger. I might ask Remus, but he's out visiting some sick relative, I think. I will figure this out, though. I assure you.

.xXx.

Chip staggered into our dorm disheveled and covered in sugary substances. I folded my arms across my chest, then quickly repositioned so as not to hurt my ribs.

"What have you to say for yourself, young lady?" I asked.

Chip grinned dopily. "Hot damn, Sirius Black is a good kisser!"

A/N: **To my lovely reviewers:** I'm contemplating writing an Oliver fic and I want to know what ya'll think about it. It _might_ be Oliver/Katie, but more likely it'll be our well-loved, Quidditch-obsessed, Captain Oliver Wood. Lots of Quidditch, Fred, George, and the rest of the team. So what do my beloved reviewers think?


	8. Bastard Owl

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: Draco Malfoy is too beautiful to be evil. Therefore, I wouldn't have made him evil. The end.

The Marauders made me no less suspicious in fifth year. Quite differently, actually. Those prats started calling each other pet names. Ha, I always said they were gay! But seriously, what the hell is a Padfoot?

"What the hell is a 'Prongs'?" Chip muttered. ::smirk:: By the way, as far as I know, that whole Chip-and-Black-snogging thing was a onetime deal. Great, hold on while I wait for the nauseous moment to pass… I tell you, I am scarred for life.

We've been fifth years for two days. _Two days_. And the entire time it's been—

"Oi, Poseidon, try out for Quidditch, eh?"

"Prongs, _give up already!"_

"Padfoot, you're just jealous because McGonagall named me Captain, after all."

"You're all just prats. Moony gone all respectable—a bloody prefect! And you Quidditch Captain… I'm hurt, Prongs. Mortally wounded."

"Oh, Padfoot, give it up already. So, Poseidon, Quidditch?"

"Piss off, Potter."

Potter kneeled in front of her and grabbed her hands. Oh boy… "Please, _please_, Poseidon. We need you. The team needs you. I need you!"

Chip smirked. "Moving a bit fast, Potter?"

"Funny. As the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain, I need you on my team."

Chip made a face. "Desperate much?"

"Yes."

"Fine," she said, sighing dramatically. "I'll try out for the team."

Potter threw his arms around her. Chip yelped. "I love you!"

.xXx.

An owl flew into the Common Room and dropped a letter on my lap, then proceeded to perch on my shoulder. I absently reached up and stroked its feathers. Bloody chicken bit me!

"Godforsaken bastard," I muttered, resisting the urge to childishly put my finger in my mouth. I mean, seriously, it had been in a bird's beak! Bastard.

_Dear Miss Poseidon,_ I read. Eh, not my mail. Bastard owl. I tossed the letter at Chip.

"I made the team!" Chip squealed.

What I thought: Oh, whoopdie doo. (Please note the unenthusiasm and sarcasm) Now she'll be spending lots of time with Potter, Black, and the other Gryffindor light bulbs.

What I said: "Oh my God, congratulations! Oh, Chip, I'm so happy—you're terrific, I can't believe you didn't try out before!" I'm so lying through my teeth. Oh God, did my nose just grow?! Nah, I don't think so. Chip hugged me. Then she actually hugged Potter.

"Potter, I made the team!"

"Poseidon, you retard, I hand picked the team myself."

Chip seemed to consider this. "Oh, right. You bastard, I can't believe you let me hug you!"

"Yeah, I'm the only one who gets to hug her," Black piped up. What an idiot.

**::SMACK::**

"Black, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times! That was a one-time thing, and I only consented because I was heavily drugged with pain-relieving potions because YOU broke my bloody leg!" Sirius cocked his head to one side and gazed at her. "NO, Sirius, and that's final!" she shouted. He continued to look at her. "Oh holy hell, let's go." Sirius grinned and dragged my best friend out of the Common Room.

Potter and I stared, each trying to prevent the mental images that were coming in a rush. "Oh. Damn," he said flatly.

"At least I'm pretty sure they don't have whipped cream this time," I pointed out, knowing it would bring to mind Chip and Sirius' first… escapade.

"DAMMIT, EVANS!"

.xXx.

I shouldn't have done it. What I should have done was told my stomach to shut the bloody hell up and go back to sleep. But no. I had to be a slave to my bloody internal organ. That bitch.

So, yes. I woke up at exactly two thirteen a.m, according to my five-minutes-slow watch. I was totally starving. And like the idiot I am, I went down to the kitchens. And because I'm a super-idiot, I simply stayed in my pajamas and threw my hair up into a pony tail. Because I'm an idiot. But, that's not really why I hate myself for going down to the kitchens. It's what happened while I was there.

I quietly closed the portrait door behind me, thinking about what I wanted to eat. Mmm, brownies. And a goblet of milk. And another of maple syrup. I was about to round the corner, thus taking myself into the main kitchen, I stopped. I could hear the Marauders, talking.

"Look, Moony," came Potter's unmistakable baritone. "Padfoot and I have obviously proved that we can keep you from harming people during the full moon."

Full moon? What was he talking about?

"There's just no reason to put others in danger," Remus said, his lilting voice urgent.

Remus, dangerous? He's the most gentle-souled creature in the world!

"We're not," insisted Black, his voice muffled by food.

"What if I hurt one of you?"

"Moony, an Animagus carries not so much as the scent of human; why should you harm us?"

Whoa, who's an Animagus? Certainly these immature boys wouldn't have the skill…

"Prongs, you know I'm not the least bit human during the Transformations. I could make a mistake."

It was then I realized what they were saying. I turned to head out, deciding that a quick and quiet escape would be the best idea. And it would have been. Bloody House Elves.

"Can Penny get Miss Lily something?" came a squeaky voice. I froze and turned slowly around. The little Elf looked at me inquisitively. The voices had stopped.

"Lily." That was Potter's voice, even and commanding. He used my first name. Bad sign.

"Some brownies and a goblet of maple syrup would be lovely," I whispered. Screw the milk. This called for the hard stuff. I straightened my back and stepped around the corner. Then I realized that I was in my pajamas. The boys had at least had the decency to put cloaks on over their pajama bottoms before they left their dorm. "Well, look at the time, I'd best—"

"Lily. Sit." Dammit.

I sat down on a seat between Potter and Black. Remus was across from us. He looked very, very ashamed. Potter wordlessly handed me his cloak. I muttered a word of thanks and covered my inadequately clothed body. Penny brought me my food. The boys continued to be silent. Ooh, warm brownies. Yuuuuuuuuum. Oh, wait, I'm in trouble. Dammit.

"Lily."

"Will you stop saying my name, and say something else, for the love of god?" I burst. They all regarded me with surprised expressions. "What?" I asked.

Potter took a deep breath. "Okay, you're a smart witch, Lily, and I know you must have heard a fair lot, just now. So, I'm going to tell you straight out. Yes, Remus is a werewolf, and the Headmaster knows it. Sirius and I are Animagi, to help him through his Transformations. Sirius is a dog, I'm a stag. Hence our names, Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs. That kid, Peter? He's with us. He's a rat, hence Wormtail. Now, there's an easy way to do this, and a hard way. Sirius?"

"You have two doors to choose from," Sirius said carefully, eyes hard. "Door number one leads to you keeping your mouth shut. If you choose this door, you will have our respect. You will be expected to tell no one, and I mean _no one_ about what you heard tonight. You can't even hint at it."

"And door number two?" I asked, afraid of this next option. By now I had gotten very quietly drunk on maple syrup.

"Behind door number two rests a strong memory charm performed by underage wizards who might get it wrong and erase your entire childhood."

I paused for a moment. They say boys will be boys, but I don't believe I've ever heard of boys also being stags, dogs, and rats. "I wasn't going to tell anyone, anyway," I told them. "I think it's fair brave of you, Remus, to live your life as if you were like everyone else. And I think that your actions, Sirius and James, speak of true loyalty and good character—something I didn't know you possessed." I took a bite of a brownie. Still warm. "It seems I misjudged you all." I looked up to see the faces of three very startled Marauders.

Why does James look so cute? _Why did you just think of him as James? And cute?!_ It must be because he's not wearing a shirt. _Why are you noticing this?_ Why doesn't he have a shirt on? _BECAUSE HE'S IN HIS PAJAMAS JUST LIKE YOU! _But I'm not in his pajamas, I'm in his cloak. _Oh dear holy god, please save me._ Maybe it's because he's acting so… mature. _He's an arrogant prat, you idiot!_

Later, alone in my bed, I would wonder what had made me think those strange things about James Potter. Then I would realize that I still wore his cloak.


	9. Thinking

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: I'm tired. I don't want to write a disclaimer. Oops. Too late.

So. Lately I've been thinking. I think I might possibly like Potter. Since that is totally unacceptable, I have come to the conclusion that he has used is evil witchcraft to make me like him. Therefore, I shall use my evil witchcraft to destroy him.

Him: Oi, Evans!

Me: Avada Kedavra!

Wow, just writing that down made me feel better. Eh, it's a little bit crude. Oh well, maybe he deserves crude—he did break my RIBS, after all!

Wait, that was Black. Oh whatever, they're practically one person! As far as most of us can tell, the only difference is that Potter eats enough food for three people, while Black eats enough for five. Those freaks.

Chip flopped down on my bed next to me, a disgusted look on her face. "You saw Potter and Black eating, didn't you?"

She made a face. "I swear, put together, they eat enough for eight!" Told you. Then she looked at me for a moment, her face shifting into a smirk.

"What?" I asked, apprehensive. It's an unsettling feeling to have Chipper Poseidon smirking at you.

"So, uh, Lily. Since when do you wear men's cloaks?" I froze as she pulled James' cloak out of my wardrobe. Remember how I said we pretty much just share all of our clothes? She musta been looking for something to wear.

"Um, well, you see, I, uh, bought one, so I'd, er, just have a big… cloak?"

Chip smirked again, then turned the cloak to face me, showing off the Hogwarts' badge. Which had _'James Potter—Marauder'_ magicked under it. Uh oh.

"What the hell was James Potter doing in our dorm?" I demanded innocently, thinking quickly.

"I can see the headlines now," Chip said. "Dirty Fantasies Conducted Within Hogwarts Dorms! Lily Evans' Sordid Affair With Imaginary James Potter!"

We heard a "Wow." from the doorway. Chip and I slowly turned to see the intruder. Sirius Black. Lovely.

"I don't mean to interrupt…" I glared at the Marauder. Chip tossed the cloak to him. His face brightened.

"Thank you. So, Chip, later?"

Chip shook her head. "I'm, er, otherwise engaged." Sirius made a face and left. We heard his startled exclamation as he slipped down the stairs. What an idiot.

.xXx.

So, dinner. Yummy. Well, it would be if Chip weren't smirking at me like she is. Bloody smirk.

"Oi, Poseidon, join me for a steak?" Black yelled down the table.

"I'm a vegetarian, you prat!" she called back as her hand passed over the chicken she had been reaching for and grabbed the salad. Black got the most hilarious look on his face.

"So, since when are you a veggie, my most carnivorous friend?" I asked, snorting.

"Since about fifteen seconds ago," she replied, grinning evilly.

I rolled my eyes. "Have you heard Clyde's latest song?" I asked, naming the brother of the Weird Sisters' lead singer. He has the most gorgeous voice in the world.

"Yes!" Chip squealed. We were both in love with Clyde's voice.

"Oh my god, hearing his voice makes me wanna have sex _so_ bad!" I said. Chip giggled. I heard an uncomfortable cough behind me. Dreading what I was about to see, I slowly turned around. Yep. James Potter standing right behind me, his face as red as mine must be. Oh my god, could I have some ketchup for my foot, please?

"Well, er, McGonagallwantsyoutoknowthatyou'resupposedtotalktoherafterdinner," he blurted. Then he ran like a fool. Chip and I turned back around.

"That's not something you see every day," she mentioned in the awkward silence. I pounded my head against the table. Way to go, Lily.

.xXx.

I jumped when the note hit me in the back of the head. Then I grabbed it and, glancing at the teacher, unfolded it.

So, Evans, I have a Clyde record… Meet me at the Astronomy tower later?

-JP

I turned around to see Potter smirking. Bastard.

_Potter, I never said I'd have sex with **you**._

_-LE_

The note was then passed to Sirius, who passed it to James, who gave it back to me. I clapped my hand over my mouth when I read the note.

Sirius had used his wand to erase the 'I never said'. So now my part of the note read 'Potter, I'd have sex with _you_'. James' response was:

That eager, Evans? Well, I can skip lunch… 

-JP

Furious, I wrote a response.

_Cuming from you, reaaaaaaaaaal great offer._

_-LE_

I tossed it to Potter, then paused. Oops. I turned around to see Potter and Black looking at the note, unmoving. Way to go phonetics.

I didn't bother reading the response. I simply burned the note under the table and prayed that there was no spell that could reincarnate it.

I still can't believe that I said I wanted to have sex. In front of James Potter. Not that I want to have sex in front of James Potter. My life is so screwed up. This could only get stranger if Clyde walked in. And started singing. And we had sex. In front of James Potter. Eh, I was liking that daydream until Potter appeared in it… Damn Potter, does he have to ruin everything?

.xXx.

That was before the apocalypse came and ruined everything. Explanation? Later that night in the Common Room.

Chip was laying on the floor on her stomach, face propped up on her hands, watching me as I did my Transfiguration homework.

"You're boring, Lily," she declared, quite serious.

"Why thanks," I said dryly, making a face at her.

"Oi, Black, let's go do… stuff," she amended lamely when I coughed.

Bloody bastard looked at her coolly for a moment before saying, "Sorry, Poseidon, I'm _otherwise engaged."_

Chip blinked. Then blinked again. Then slowly stood and left the room. Oh. My. God. I think I might have fainted. Either way, I woke up on the couch the next morning and was late to Charms. Not that that has anything to do with Chip's humiliation.

.xXx.

Next night in the Common Room, Chip was reading 'How to Murder Your Enemy and Frame His Best Friend' when Black came bounding into the room.

"I'm going to be a star!" he shouted as he raced up the stairs to the boys' dorms.

James came tearing through the portrait opening right after, his wand raised. "Not without kneecaps!" Chip and I stared as he followed Black. Neither of us winced when we heard the blood curdling scream. Served him right.

"Bastard." We chorused.


	10. Oh the Wonders

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: So. Marching band is unfathomably fun when I have only one free hand to hold my horn. My shoulder hurts. Does ANYONE know the story behind this? Well, I fell off of my horsey and separated my shoulder. Yeah. I was bareback. With a halter. And no lead rope. In the pasture. So, I pretty much deserve it. At least, that's what people keep telling me. Yes. This SO counts as a disclaimer…

"This is ridiculous," I whispered. "I can't believe I'm doing this. Again. I'm a prefect. Prefects don't do things like this." I paused. "Or, at least they don't get caught. Hey, that's a good sign! I think. I'm such toast if that creepy cat sees me. She's probably like hiding behind a corner, just ready to pounce. Then Filch will put me in some deranged torture device.

"Great, now I'm paranoid. Or maybe I was already paranoid. Goodness, maybe I was always paranoid, and just didn't know it yet! Wouldn't that be ironic! Nah, not really. Goodness, this is completely mental! Oh, so now I'm paranoid _and_ mental? Chill, Lils, I didn't mean it like that. Oh my. The wonders of talking to yourself in a hallway all alone in the middle of the night.

"Not that I would be talking to myself if someone else was here. I'd be talking to that person. Except maybe if it was Potter. Then I'd be talking to myself. Only not out loud. So I could be paranoid and mental and no one would know. Except me and the voices. Gah, what if they talk to Potter, too?! No, they wouldn't do that. The voices don't like Potter, either. If he hears voices, then they can't be the same ones I hear.

"I still can't believe I'm doing this. This is more than my poor paranoid, mental, schizophrenic little mind can handle. And all for a bloody brownie.

"Yes. I am risking my reputation, my life, and the last dredges of my sanity for a brownie. That bitch slave driver I call a stomach is still commanding me. It's really a miracle that I don't weigh WAY more than I do. Hmm. So hungry!

"And I'm still talking to myself! I can't believe this! Okay, well maybe I can. Bloody slave driver stomach. Can't let me have a night's rest…

"By the way? I am once again headed to the kitchens without a cloak. This is just completely absurd! The only way my life could get weirder is if I walked into the kitchens to find Snape and Malfoy snogging.

"Ew. No, that would just be scarring… Okay, it would be weirder if Clyde was in there singing and we had sex and then Potter walked in. WHY DOES POTTER ALWAYS RUIN THAT DAYDREAM?!

"HAH! Yes! I have reached the pear! Giggle, dammit!" Laughing hysterically at my success, I bounced into the kitchen and sat down at my usual chair. Which was strangely soft and squishy. For a chair.

"GODDAMMIT EVANS!"

I screamed and jumped off of James Potter. Who wasn't really sitting there. Then I saw his head. OH MY GOD SOMEONE FINALLY DECAPITATED THAT BASTARD, AND IT WASN'T ME? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! My life's goal, ruined!

"Dammit!"

Potter's head made a face. Not that it could do much else… "Leave off, Evans," it said as the rest of his body appeared.

"Thank goodness you're not dead!" I said. He gave me an odd look. I rolled my eyes. "Then I wouldn't be able to kill you, and my life's goal would be ruined," I clarified.

"Gee, Evans, thanks for that," he said sarcastically. A house elf brought me brownies. Haha, I don't even have to ask anymore…

"What are you doing here?" I asked, noting that he wasn't eating.

"What are _you_ doing here?" he demanded.

I stared blankly at him, then stared at my brownies. "Doing my Charms homework," I said.

"Very funny, Evans."

"I'm eating my goddamn brownies, what does it look like? Now, what are _you_ doing here?"

Potter looked down at the table. "Thinking," he muttered. Oh, he looks so cute! No! Bad Lily, bad! Potter is not cute!

"You can think?"

"Do you have to be so sarcastic?"

"It's three A.M!"

He seemed to consider this. Then Black and Lupin burst into the kitchen.

"'Lo, Lils!" Sirius said cheerfully.

"Hey," Remus said shyly.

"Marauder meeting?" I asked.

"No, actually. It seems we just all have stomachs on the same time schedule," Potter mused. Then Chip walked in. "And so do you."

Chip looked surprised to see the boys. She had to know that I was there, as my bed was empty. Then she grinned. "Orgy!"

I made a face. "Chip—it's the Marauders!"

Chip's face fell. "Dammit. Ah well, pass the Butterbeer around, eh?"

James lunged for the Butterbeer before Sirius got a hold of it. Chip and I awarded him funny looks. "Trust me," he said grimly. "If Sirius gets any of this in his system, we'll see him wearing only a kilt and singing a muggle rock song while doing an Irish jig on the table. Again."

"_Again?" _Chip and I chorused.

"Last Halloween," Remus clarified.

"Sirius, you have that low of a tolerance to alcohol? This stuff couldn't get a flobberworm drunk!" Chip burst out.

Sirius opened his mouth, but it was Potter who answered. "Oh, believe me. He can shoot firewhiskey like a rock, but two sips of this and he's totally piss-faced."

Chip and I bust out laughing. I have never heard anything more hilarious in my life! "Sirius, that's pathetic!"

"Being around you guys at three a.m. makes for very good black mail," I mused.

"Not black male, they're white!" Chip protested. We all stared at her for a moment.

"All right then…" Potter somehow chose the only three words that could possibly fit in said circumstance.

"Racist," my friend muttered.

"Chip, it's times like these I wonder why I keep you around."

Chip grinned. "Because together you and I are funny. Alone, anything we say is just retarded."

I threw a brownie at her. "You know, she has a point," Potter said.

"Why can't I have normal friends?" Remus wondered, directing his question towards the ceiling. If he gets a response, then he's probably a parselmouth and there's a basilisk in pipes. Then we'd all have to run like nitwits while making Sirius look around corners. Human sacrifice. But nothing so silly as a Gryffindor being a parselmouth and a basilisk hiding in the pipes would ever happen at Hogwarts. I mean, how ridiculous would _that_ be?

"M-O-O-N, that spells nitwit," Sirius muttered. I stared at him, horrified.

"What kind of IDIOT let SIRIUS BLACK watch _The Stand_?" I demanded.

James and Remus both looked at the floor. "Well…"

"Remember James' explanation for me on Butterbeer? Well, that's kinda what happens to them on firewhiskey…" Sirius started.

"NO. I don't want to know," I said firmly, hands over my ears.

"It's getting late," Remus noted.

"It was already late," Black said, rolling his eyes. That's when all the lights went out.

"Oh. Shit."

"What happened?" Chip squealed.

I can _feel_ Remus rolling his eyes at us. "The house elves have to sleep _sometime_."

"They could have given us some warning," I muttered. "Alright, who's got their wand with them?" Silence… silence… Aw, shit.

"Okay," Chip said reasonably. "We'll just find our way back to the door. We'll have to feel around in front of us with our han—BLACK, GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY BOOBS!"

"You said to feel around in front of us…" he said, his voice pure innocence. Which pretty much means he's guilty.

"I WAS STANDING BEHIND YOU."

"I got turned around?"

"Shut up and find the door."

"Found it!" Remus proclaimed. "Just a good shove, and…"

"We're locked in, aren't we?" Potter asked, voice dead.

"Yes, yes we are," Remus said in an ominous, creepy sort of voice. Silence…

"Firewhiskey, anyone?"

A/N: Based on a true story. … sorta


	11. The Walk of Shame

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: I hope the people who run fanfiction feel bad for making me type a disclaimer with my one free hand. IT'S A HATE CRIME AGAINST CRIPPLES!

"Lil- hic- I thinnnnnnnk yo –hic- ur drunk," Potter said giddily.

"I don' geeeeeeed drung, Jamesie."

"I loooooooove you, Black."

"Don' wurry, you're my onlllllly sluuuud, Ssssship."

"Thisssss soooo beats beiiiing a werewooooov."

"Wher'd my pants go?"

"I thiiiiiiiink I'm wearin 'em."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jaaaames is in Liiiiilly'z pants!"

"And he's too drunk to be able to remember it tomorrow."

We all froze. That was the sound of a coherent, sane, and entirely sober adult. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. We scrambled to our feet. Well, we tried. It was kinda more like a whole bunch of drunk kids falling all over each other. I got groped. I don't remember who did it though. Come to think of it, I don't remember a good deal of that night…

"The house elves would like to mention that they need the kitchen back…"

"Shiiiiiiiiit," I squealed. Shiiiiiiiit. I said it out loud.

"Daaaaaaaaaayumn," Chip slurred. Though it sounded perfectly normal to me… Which tells you how totally piss faced I was.

"Haha, shiny ponies."

"…" Yes. Sirius found the Butterbeer at about four o'clock. Like five minutes after we found the firewhiskey.

"I suggest you leave very quickly."

And so we staggered out of the kitchen, completely drunk, half dressed, and sleep deprived. Just as the people of Hogwarts were filing down the halls to breakfast. The walk of shaaaaaaaaaaaame. Which was just as entirely hilarious for us as it was for the people watching us. We were drunk! Everything's funny when you're drunk. Believe me. I was smashed.

Shit, why the HELL am I wearing James' pants? The one thing worse than noticing something like this is suddenly realizing that it was a coherent thought. And I was supposed to be drunk. It is a BAD feeling to go from hammered to sober. You find out things you never wanted to know, and would probably never have remembered otherwise. I looked up just in time to see Dumbledore hide his wand. That old bastard.

The only fortunate part of this was the lack of a hangover. Which would have been a bitch to deal with. I have _potions _first per—OH DAMMIT.

Remember how the Walk of Shame was really, REALLY funny when we were drunk? Yeah, NOT FUNNY ANYMORE. The Marauders and Chip looked just as suddenly disturbed as I was. We ran like cats when you clip clothespins to their tails.

… Not that I've ever done that.

… But for the record, my sister's cat is annoying.

… It's just a theory. The clothespin thing.

… I promise?

… Dammit. Now James is going to remember being in my pants.

… That sounded WAY dirtier than it really was.

… I think.

… But then, I don't remember everything that happened.

… Maybe I should see the nurse later.

… Just in case.

"Evans?"

"What, Potter?"

"WHY AM I IN YOUR PANTS?"


	12. More Whipped Cream

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: I didn't write Harry Potter, and whatever I may write in the future probably won't make me super-uber-amazingly-bloody-farking rich like Jo is.

So it's summer. Which I am spending with my best friend in the whole world. Because my sister's a freak. How ironic is that? She may call _me_ the freak, BUT SHE'S THE REAL FREAK! HAHAHAHAHA—er, yeah.

So here I am, spending the summer with my best friend and her four gorgeous and scarily immature older brothers: Chris, Chance, Charlie, and Choco. Every one of them has raven black hair and eyes that vary from sapphire to amethyst. And they play Quidditch. Um, not that I've got the hots for my best friend's brothers. … right.

I sat down at the breakfast table, half dead. Chip's mum set a mug of steaming coffee in front of me. I smiled at her gratefully. Charlie sat down on my right, an arm around my waist, and Chance on my left, an arm around my shoulders.

"Morning Lils," they chorused, each planting a kiss on one of my cheeks. I love Chip's brothers.

"Eeeeeeeew, morning breath!" I tried in vain to fight them off. Not that I really wanted to.

Chip stumbled down the stairs a few minutes later, looking like the face of death.

"Morning, sis!"

"Die, you godforsaken little bastards."

Chance pretended hurt. "Chip, you know very well that mum and dad were married when they had us!" He ducked under a piece of projectile toast.

"Well, I've got errands, so I'm off," Chip's mum announced.

Chip snapped to attention. "Where's dad?"

"At work," was the calm reply.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Chip and I screamed. We were to be home alone with Chip's brothers. Suddenly her mum apparated away, rolling her eyes. Maybe they'll find our corpses one day.

Choco and Chris bolted down the stairs. "WHAT? WHO'S DYING?!"

"Us. We're home alone… with _you_," Chip squeaked. The brothers exchanged knowing looks over their sister's dramatic ways.

"Whatever." We all sat down and attacked the food that was on the table.

"By the way, we invited some friends over to play Quidditch in the back," Chance announced casually. Chip and I shrugged. _So what?_

"Oh yeah, I forgot," Choco said, smacking his forehead. "Maybe… Stag… will bring his new broom."

Charlie's face lit up. "Wouldn't that be wicked? Er, Wolf wanted to know if he could use one of our spares."

I was listening to the shifty conversation, completely alert. This sounded very familiar, but I couldn't quite grasp who they were talking about.

"Perhaps Pad—_Dog_—will—" Chance's voice was cut off my Chip's scream of horror. And mine.

"YOU DIDN'T!" The brothers looked at us sheepishly as the one and only Marauders waltzed through the doors.

"Morning girls."

.xXx.

Bang-bang-bang-bang.

They've got no one to blame but themselves.

Bang-bang-bang-bang.

They practically _asked _for it.

Bang-bang-bang-bang.

What did they think was going to happen if they changed the water in their pool to whipped cream?

Bang-bang-bang-bang.

And pushed Chip and Sirius in?

Bang-bang-bang-bang.

That is the sound of four foreheads being pounded against the wall, not quite at the same time. Because the Poseidon boys got an eyeful of their baby sister snogging one of their friends in a pool filled with whipped cream.

_Bang-bang-bang-bang._

They were then forced to thoroughly pulverize said friend and throw him out of the house.

_**Bang-bang-bang-bang.**_

While their baby sister straightened her clothes.

BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG.

And re-hooked her bra.

**BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG.**

"LILY STOP TALKING OUT LOUD. YOU'RE RECREATING THE MEMORIES THAT WE'RE TRYING TO BEAT OUT OF OUR HEADS!"

"You know," I said reasonably, looking over to where the four boys were sitting in the hallway, pounding their heads against the wall. "Ten years from now, you'll probably look back at this incident and laugh your asses off."

The banging continued. "No," Chance said between thuds. "This is one of those moments that we'll look back on and say 'Way to go, dipshit.'"

"Couldn't have said it better myself," Charlie agreed.

"You're going to have flat spots on your foreheads." They continued to harm themselves. "And lose brain cells."

"Only if we're lucky," said Choco. I rolled my eyes. Boys.

.xXx.

Bang.

Oh good lord.

Bang.

Chip's doing it too.

Bang.

Told her not to snog Black.

Bang.

Wow, I'm kinda the voice of reason here.

Bang.

I thought that was Lupin's job.

Bang.

I'm still amazed he found her bra hook while it was hidden in whipped cream.

_Bang_.

And was able to unhook it.

_**Bang.**_

But it's Sirius Black, so I really shouldn't be surprised.

BANG.

He's probably done it plenty of times.

BANG.

Hopefully not to Chip.

**BANG.**

"LILY STOP TALKING OUT LOUD!"

.xXx.

Bang-bang-bang-bang-bang

This is ridiculous.

Bang-bang-bang-bang-bang.

Maybe it's genetic.

Bang-bang-bang-bang-bang.

Which means Chip and her brothers really are related.

_Bang-bang-bang-bang-bang_.

They share DNA.

_**Bang-bang-bang-bang-bang.**_

So it's kind of like Chip's brothers were indirectly making out with Sirius Black.

BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG.

"**LILY, STOP TALKING!"**

I'm not loved.

"**NO, YOU'RE NOT!"**

See?


	13. Tattoos

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: I can't and wouldn't dream of claiming Harry Potter. Well, I might dream of it. Actually, I might dream of claiming the money Jo got for Harry Potter…

I swear to God, boys are the only creatures on earth who don't learn from past experiences. As I note this, please realize that Chip's parents have announced that they're taking a vacation to France for the rest of the summer. You know, without us. Then realize what this means. Remember what happened when Chip's brothers were in charge of us for a few hours? Imagine a month of this.

So, pretty much, we'll all be dead. Sirius will probably die first, simply because Chip's brothers will kill him very, very soon. This is so not a good thing.

…

…

…

Chip and I watched, scowling, as her brothers went through the house, repairing all of the glass with their wands. That's because our screams shattered said glass. When the Poseidon boys informed us that the Marauders are spending the rest of the summer with us. After the glass was repaired, the boys went through the gigantic house and used spells to pretty much Marauder proof it. If that's possible. Yegads, this is going to be a long summer.

"Hello, ladies!" came a baritone voice. I closed my eyes tightly. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I also hate James Potter. Right.

"If I didn't love you, you know I would leave you to suffer on your own, right?" I asked Chip.

Chip groaned. "I'm so sorry Lily."

"And you worship me and will alwa—AHHHH!" The one and only James Potter flopped over the side of the couch and landed right on top of me.

"We're home, darlings," Sirius said, smirking as he gracefully situated him next to Chip.

"We hope you missed us," Remus added, perching on the arm of the couch.

"You're a bunch of schizos," Chip muttered.

"Can't—breathe," I gasped out.

Potter pretended to look affronted. "I'm not _that_ heavy, Evans."

Fortunately, Charlie chose that moment to forcibly remove Potter. "I love you, Charlie!"

"Hey, I thought we were 'exclusive'!" Chance said, sitting down next to me, a grin on his face.

"Sorry, babe, you left me to suffer," I teased.

"Ew, Chance, you can _not_ flirt with my best friend," Chip said, disgusted.

"You snogged Sirius in our _pool_," Chance reminded her.

"You filled it with whipped cream," Chip retorted.

"AND I HAD NEARLY BEATEN THAT MEMORY FROM MY SKULL!" Choco burst out. Chris gagged.

"Evans is mine, anyway," Potter said, diverting the conversation. Everything went quiet. "What?"

"Since when am I _yours_, you prat?" I demanded.

"Yeah, she's mine," Chance said, snaking his arms around my waist.

"Nope, mine," Charlie said, smirking as he wrapped his arms around my stomach.

"You wish," Chris snorted, taking one of my hands.

"You are all _so_ mixed up," Choco said, shaking his head and taking my other hand.

"I hate to disagree, but…" Remus said as he grabbed one of my feet.

"You're all wrong!" James said, holding on to my other leg.

By now, I was giggling uncontrollably, boys hanging from every part of my body. "Well, let's be fair," I said, mock-seriously. "You can all have me one day of the week."

"Who gets you on the seventh day?" Choco wanted to know.

"Orgy," Charlie decided.

I snorted. "Please. I need a day of rest."

"You're no fun," Chance pouted.

I gave him a sultry look. "Oh, I'm lots of fun."

The boys exchanged looks. All of a sudden, Chance looked around frantically. "WHERE'D CHIP AND BLACK GO?" I was abruptly dumped onto the floor as all six boys leapt up and raced out of the room. I sat down on the couch to sulk. It would take them a while to search the twenty-one bedroom, fifteen and a half bath, three game room, six den, four library, five dining room, two breakfast-nook, one ball room, eighteen hall-closet, two indoor pool-Jacuzzi-sauna room, seven living room, five-kitchen mansion. I keep a map in my pocket. Chip's house could rival Hogwarts. At least the stairways pretty much stay in the same place. Those boys are so screwed if Chip isn't even actually in the house.

.xXx.

"We can not fail at this plan," I told Chip sternly, pacing back and forth in front of her. It is three twenty-seven a.m, and we have come up with a master plan. "If all goes accordingly, the Marauders will be shamed, humiliated, scorned, laughed at, and overall made fun of. And we will have photos for blackmail."

"What happens if it doesn't work?" she asked.

"The sky turns blood red, little birds cry out in agony, and all of our hopes get sucked down a vortex, my friend."

"Which basically means we then drown our sorrows in ice cream?"

"Pretty much."

.xXx.

"You ready?" I whispered.

Chip looked at me with wide eyes, her pale face glowing in the moonlight that flooded through the windows and nodded.

"One, two, three." There was the gentle hum off electric barber clippers as they buzzed in the darkness.

.xXx.

**WE NOW JUMP MOMENTARILY TO THE MIND OF JAMES POTTER.**

I yawned and stretched luxuriously, basking in the feel of the sunlight on my bed. Something tickled my nose, and I distractedly brushed at it. Stray hair. I sneezed. In doing so, I nearly gave myself whiplash. Yes, I sneeze that violently. Shut up.

Wait. Something's wrong. Where's that familiar feel of hair brushing my forehead? I looked down at my pillow and found a nest of glossy black hair. Shaking, I raised my hand to my head. And touched bare skin.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I flew out of my room faster than a human can naturally move and threw open Sirius' door.

"NO!" I yelled, upon seeing my best mate. They killed it! The revered, spectacular, charming (yes, even his hair is charming), hair of Sirius Black has been murdered! Sirius shot straight up in bed, blinking at me.

"James what the f—HOLY SHIT, JAMES, YOU DON'T HAVE HAIR!"

"Sirius," I said cautiously.

"What?" he asked, suspicious.

"Sirius, I want you to take very deep breaths."

"James, you're scaring me," he said, his voice becoming high pitched.

"Now, Sirius, don't do anything hasty, but I need to tell you something," I said as I slowly inched my way around the room, trying to block his mirror.

"What is it James?" Then he saw it. All of the blood drained out of his face. I was aware that Chip and Evans were standing in the hall, and had likely seen the whole thing. Sirius slowly got off of his bed and walked over to the mirror. Then he fainted.

"YOU'VE KILLED HIM!" I bellowed. Remus came rushing into the room.

"James, what—James, oh my god, you're bald! So is Sirius! Oh the humanity!"

I took a long look at Remus. "Remus?"

"What?" he asked, looking concernedly at Sirius.

"You don't have eyebrows."

Remus yelped and rushed over to the mirror. "Oh dear god."

I looked over to where Chip and Evans were practically convulsing on the ground. "I suppose you find this _funny?"_ I asked tightly.

Evans stopped giggling long enough to look at me and say, "yes", before dissolving back into laughter.

"Then please excuse us while we gather the last dredges of our pride," Remus said. Then we noticed the muggle video camera Evans was holding.

"A little late for that," I told him unnecessarily. The worst part is that we can't even call in Chip's brothers for back up because their rooms are on the other side of this gigantically huge mansion-village-city-country-hotel thing Chip calls a house. My house has more bedrooms…

Suddenly Lily stopped laughing. "Potter?" she sounded startled. I turned to face her. She had put the video camera down. What on earth… oh shit. "Potter, is that a _tattoo?_ On your _head?_" I had seriously almost forgotten about those. I immediately covered the area at the base of my skull. Remus mimicked my action, despite the fact that he still has hair. The floor was hiding the back of Sirius' head.

"No."

"It is! Ooh, lemme see! Which girl actually convinced you to tattoo her name on your skull?"

I felt my face flush. "It's nothing, Evans."

Lily snatched at my hand. Chip rolled her eyes and turned Sirius over. Remus and I rushed forward.

"NOOOOOOO!"

Lily and Chip collapsed to the floor in giggles. Dammit. Damn firewhiskey and damn butterbeer. Damn tattoos of…

A/N: What? Tattoos of what? Stay tuned for next week's addition of:

_The Amazing Lily Evans… and Company!_


	14. The Chase

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: My arm is finally out of that bloody sling, but I still don't own Harry…

**DO REMEMBER, DEAR READER, THAT WE ARE STILL IN LOVELY JAMES'S MIND! THANK YOU!**

Pink puffskeins. Yes. We had pink puffskeins tattooed onto our heads. Sirius' says 'Padfoot' mine says 'Prongs', and Remus' says 'Moony'. Oh my god, we were drunk that night…

.xXx.

**NOW WE STEP BACK INTO THE MIND OF LILY EVANS! PLEASE HOLD STILL FOR THE USUAL PROCEDURES. **

I nearly blacked out from laughing so hard. James Potter has a puffskein tattooed on his head! A _pink_ puffskein! Chip and I clutched at each other for support. The boys all turned bloody bright red.

"What 'n _hell_ happened?" I demanded between laughs.

"Well," James started. "We were super-drunk, and—hey!" Suddenly the red of embarrassment faded from his face, leaving pale fury. "You shaved my head!" The look on his face quickly deprived Chip and me of the ability to laugh.

"Run, Chip!" I squealed. I grabbed the camera as Chip and I bolted down the hall, Potter and Lupin hot in pursuit. The two of us tore down a hallway, once again giggling at the insanity of it all.

Chip pulled me into a nook in the wall, and we clapped our hands over our mouths as the boys ran by. Then we heard an uncoordinated bumping sound, so we waited a moment longer, only to see a now-conscious Sirius Black run by. My god, he looks funny bald.

The two of us ducked out of the nook and ran the other direction. I ran smack into a solid form and went crashing to the ground. A concerned-looking Chance helped me up from the ground.

"What's going on?" he demanded.

"Black, Lupin, and Potter are trying to kill us!" Chip blurted, wide-eyed.

Choco crossed his arms. "What did you guys do?"

"Nothing much," I said innocently. Chris raised an eyebrow.

"Just shaved their heads," Chip added. Charlie guffawed.

"Except for Lupin," I amended. "We shaved his eyebrows." They stared at us.

"Well, are you going to help us or not?" Chip demanded.

"Always up to helping a damsel in distress," Chance said with a bow.

"Me too," Charlie added.

Choco and Chris shook their heads. "No, I think we'll help the Marauders."

Chip and I made faces at them, then the four of us allies took off down the hall together. Eventually, we stopped in a small bedroom and sat on the bed to plan.

"This could be dangerous," Chance whispered, looking at each one of us carefully. "We are up against three of the Marauders _and_ two people who have lived with Charlie, Chip, and myself all their lives."

"My god, this is going to be the world's looniest day, I think," Chip murmured.

"By the way, did you two know that Remus, Black, and Potter have _pink puffskeins_ tattooed on the backs of their heads?" I asked.

Well, this sent the two boys into fits of laughter. _Loud_ fits of laughter. Team Evil burst into the room. We all screamed and bolted into the bathroom on instinct. Once inside, we locked the door.

"Okay, lovely…" I muttered.

"Don't worry," Chip told me. "You _are_ in the Poseidons' house." True dat. Charlie opened the built-in laundry hamper and pulled out an old towel. Then he levered the wood just right so that the floor board popped up. I stared, wide-eyed.

"Ladies first," Chance said with a grin.

Chip shook her head. "Nuh-uh. Boys first so we have something soft to land on."

"What do you mean 'land on?'" I asked.

"Fine," Chance said, grinning. Then he crawled into the hamper and disappeared. Then Charlie. Then Chip. What the hell?

I crawled into the hamper, and screamed. I dropped straight through the air in a nearly-vertical slide-tunnel thingy. I was going so fast my vision was blurry. But then, it was really dark, which might have something to do with it…

"CHIPPER POSEIDON I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" At the top, I could hear the bathroom door burst open.

"Where does this lead?" Potter's echoing voice demanded.

"It le—James, is that a PUFFSKEIN?!"

Chip, Chance, Charlie, and I burst into laughter. Then I heard an –oof- and Chance stopped laughing. Another –oof- and I could no longer hear Charlie. An ear-piercing shriek told me Chip had hit rock bottom. I landed on the human pile quite comfortably, with three humans cushioning me. I looked around.

"Where are we?"

Three nearly identical grins faced me as we stood up, brushing ourselves off. I don't get why everyone found it so hard to hit the ground—an extraordinarily cushy mattress was placed right at the mouth of the tunnel. But I think I've found mini fort knox. Poseidon style.

"This is our, erm, safe-house," Chip explained as her brothers rummaged through magically stocked cupboards and refrigerators. "It's really a basement, but without doors or windows." There were over-stuffed couches, beds, board games, tables, desks, book shelves, pool tables. Pretty much the necessities of life.

"Chip, if there're no doors, how do you get _out?"_

Chance grinned, then popped a bottle of butterbeer open. "Poseidon secret," he said, then took a swig. We heard a faint, "AHHHHHHH! Dammit, Sirius!" and knew that Black had just pushed Potter down the slide. Several more sounds said that everyone else was following him. Charlie grinned easily, and closed a door-thingy that covered the hole of the tunnel.

When he saw my astonished look he said, "Don't worry, Lils. It's a portkey. When they hit the door, they'll wind up in one of the living rooms."

"That's pretty clever," I admitted, impressed. "So, we're not planning on staying here forever, are we?"

"Of course not. We—" Chance's voice was cut off by a shout, a thunk, and several groans.

Somehow, the momentum of the five teenagers had pushed the door open without activating the portkey. They landed on the mattress and tried to disentangle themselves, disoriented.

"To the couch!" Chip shouted. She, Chance, and Charlie took off.

"Which couch?" I demanded. It didn't matter. Chance pulled off a seat cushion on a comfy-looking maroon couch. Chip jumped on, and fell through what looked like a hole. We all followed.

We landed in a hallway, much less comfortably than before. I looked up and could see the Marauders looking at us through the hole in the ceiling. Wait—ceiling? I thought that was a _basement_!

Without giving me a chance to ponder this, the Poseidons took off down the hallway. A minute later, we heard the thuds of everyone else jumping through.

Chip tripped over a rug. I slowed my pace as I looked back to see her, raising her head from her face-first position on the ground. She reached an arm out to me.

"Go on Lily, save yourself!" she called. "It's too late for me—I had a good life. Always… remember… me…" I ran to her side and grabbed her hand, Chance and Charlie stopping to wait for us.

"You will be avenged, my friend," I whispered fiercely.

"Be good," Chip said faintly, then lay her head back down on the floor. I set her hand down.

"DAMN YOU, POTTER!" I shouted.

"Lily, behind you!" Chance shouted. But alas, it was too late. Potter himself tackled me. I screamed in surprise as we fell to the floor. I managed to twist as I fell, however, so that my, er, _chest_ wouldn't take the brunt of the fall. So I landed on my back, Potter on top of me. I looked up about three inches into his gorgeous hazel eyes.

Woah, what was that? I mean, his muddy pits of doom. That sparkled triumphantly as he looked down at me. At least he doesn't have his hair. That would make this even more difficult. Anyway, back to the current situation. The really awkward one. You know, with Potter lying on top of me. Fortunately, Chance saved me, bless him.

"Potter, that is one _nice_ Puffskein you've got there."


	15. Deja Vu

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

A/N: Oh my goodness, I love all of my darling and loving reviewers!!! Over one hundred reviews!! You guys are amazing! Luuuuuuuv! Sam

Disclaimer: creepy voice Candy Mountain, Charlie!

"Damn, bloody, know-it-all, little hellions," Chip muttered. I laughed at her as we settled down into a train compartment.

"You have to admit, Chip, it was pretty bloody funny."

Chip glared at me. "They were second years! Just because they're not first years anymore, they think they know everything!"

"…Chip, _everyone_ knows that it's a dumb thing to stand in front of the barrier! You were bound to get run over sooner or later."

So, Chip and I came through onto Platform nine and three-quarters, and Chip proceeds to stand in front of the portal-dealy and fix her hair. Some smart-arse little second years told her she was going to get hit, and the moment she opened her mouth to massacre them verbally, Sirius Black himself charged through the barrier and ran her over. Completely re-enacted their first meeting. I think it must be the most hilarious thing I have ever seen.

.xXx.

"So, now we're back to this again, eh?" I muttered. It seems that walking down the halls in the middle of the night has become a vice of mine. But damn, I want some cookie dough! I sighed, irritated, as I tickled the pear. When I walked into the kitchen, I snorted. Of course.

Chip was sitting at an island, eating green olives out of a bowl. Sirius sat next to her, practically inhaling some chicken, and Remus was chugging butterbeer, keeping it carefully out of Sirius' reach, mind you. Then Chip saw me.

"Ha! Told you! Pay up, Black," she said as I sat down next to Remus. Sirius grudgingly slid five galleons across the counter to Chip, who grinned and pocketed them.

"Do I want to know? Er, cookie dough, please," I said to the little house elf.

"Sure. I bet that you'd get here before—"

"How _are_ my most favorite people in the world?" James said, prancing into the room and taking a seat next to me. He has his hair back, by the way. So does Black. Oh, and Remus has his eyebrows. Which is all good and merry, 'cos they looked kind of funny without hair…

"Before the prat," Chip finished.

I got my cookie dough and an elf brought James some brownies. "Life is _so_ good right now," I said, content.

Potter and Black snorted. "Easily pleased much?" I elbowed James.

All of a sudden, Remus went stock-still. "What?" I asked.

"Did anyone look at a clock before they headed down here to join this happy little escapade?" he asked.

"Yeah," Potter said. "It was just after three. Why?"

The lights shut off. "Oh. Shit," we chorused. Without asking, it was unanimously certain that no one had a wand with them.

"Déjá vu, anyone?" Black asked.

"How about, 'fire whiskey, anyone'?" Chip corrected.

"This is shaping up to be a very long night," I said.

"Fortunately, you won't remember most of it," Potter reminded me, slinging an arm around my shoulders and passing me the fire whiskey.

I must say, he does have a point…


	16. Return of the Bastard Owl

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: I don't want to write a disclaimer. So how about a funny quote by a couple of my friends at last summer's band camp?

Daniel::stands up during lunch:: "My name is Daniel, and I am an alcoholic!"

Conner::stands up across room:: "Hello Daniel, my name is Connor…"

Okay, remember how there was that general reference that Chip and Black snogging in Chip's whipped cream filled pool was the most disturbing thing I have ever seen? Yeah, well I take it back.

So there I was, sitting in the Common Room, doing my Transfiguration like a good little student, when Black comes and sits down on one of the couches. Then some little brunette fourth year comes and sits in his lap and they start snogging.

Now, as bad as this was, I'm fairly used to scenes like this. Then this seventh year, Derek Wood, came and sat down _next to Sirius_. Of course, this was a little strange, as most people wouldn't care to share a couch with a snogging couple. Except Chip was with him. And she promptly sat on his lap and they started snogging.

So, for as strange and disgusting as this scene was, I could ignore it just fine. I rolled my eyes and returned to my homework. Until I looked up in time to see Chip lean over and start snogging Black. From her seat on Wood's lap. The fourth year and Wood looked startled for a moment, then Chip and the girl switched places, without Chip breaking away from Black. And the fourth year started snogging Wood. I must have been looking at the four easiest people in all of Hogwarts. I think this puts Black on a whole new level of playerism. Then again, it does the same for Chip.

I quickly closed my Transfiguration book, stood, and turned around to head up to my dorm. James Potter was standing behind me, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head.

"That has got to be the most disgusting thing I have ever seen," he said, shuddering as he focused his attention on me.

"I'm scarred for life," I agreed. Just then, an owl flew into the room, and perched on the chair I had just vacated. It dropped a letter, but didn't leave. Wait a minute. That owl looks familiar…

"Whooo," it said. James raised an eyebrow, and I frowned at the creature. I swear, I've seen this bird before.

"Whooooooo."

I never forget a face.

"Whoooooooooooore."

Wait, did it just—

"Whoooooooooooore."

OH MY GOD, IT'S THE BASTARD OWL! I swear to god, it smirked. The bloody chicken just called me a whore! I lunged at the bird, completely intent on strangling it. It circled the common room once, with me chasing it, then flew out the window. I leaned out the window, shaking my fist at it.

"That's right! You'd better not come back, you ruddy bird!" I shouted. Then, attempting to calm myself, I walked back to where James was still standing, staring at me.

"Did that owl just call you a whore?" he asked. I turned bright red and nodded. He burst out laughing. "Man, Chip's gonna be mad she missed that," he said. I ruefully glanced at my best friend, who was still snogging Potter's best friend, and grimaced.

We stood around awkwardly for a moment. "Well, night then," I said at last, turning to head up to my dorm. Once my back was to him, I made a face at myself. Night, then? Since when did I waste courtesies on Potter of all people? Suddenly, someone's warm hand caught my own and spun me around. I looked, startled, into James Potter's face, which turned out to be, oh, say… five and a half inches away from mine.

"Goodnight… Lily," he said softly.

Once I was safely in my bed, I realized I was shaking. What… the… hell…?

.xXx.

**WHOO! JAMESIE TIME!!!**

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I think I took that one too far. But, come on. She was being _nice_ to me. Practically _begged_ me to try something like that.

Okay, so maybe I'm making too big of a deal out of this, but come on. It's Lily bloody Evans. And to let you in on a /little/ secret, I absolutely adore every gorgeous, irritable inch of her. So, yes. I'm making a big deal of calling her by her first name, which I pretty much never do. Unless, of course, she barges into secret Marauder meetings and I have to be stern with her.

And as far as we know, she actually hasn't said anything about Moony's furry little problem.

Remus and Sirius think it's completely and utterly hopeless, me trying to get Evans to fall head over heels for me. Especially since I normally call her by her last name. But just think, one day when we're married and we're arguing, it'll be like this:

Lily: Don't be such an idiot, Potter!

Me: But, Potter, I can't help it.

And then we'll both be so overwhelmed by how hot that sounded we'll forget the fight and shag like rabbits. … not that I've considered this in great detail or anything. But for future reference, Sirius will be the godfather of our firstborn. Chip will be the godmother.

And tonight made me realize that it might not be hopeless, after all. I made her… _tremble._


	17. Sexual Tension

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: I believe I can fly, but I do not believe that I own Harry Potter and co. Ps—I just recently figured out what co. stood for! Go me!

**LILY TERRITORY!!**

So, I still haven't told Chip about my Potter musings. That would be like death on toast. With a side of butter. This way I can sit in the Common Room and watch him out of the corner of my eye, without having Chip giggle conspicuously at me. But I'm standing strong! I refuse to morph into a Potter fan club member who sits around and drools over him in class all day. I have a mind of my own, and I will _not_ sink down to that level of—

Oh shit, I just realized that I was doodling 'LP' on my Charms homework. Like I said: standing strong. Okay, I will not think about Potter. I'll think of something anti-Potter. Something girly and feminine. I know! I'll think about puffskeins! Cute, fuzzy, pink little puffskeins, just like the one Potter has tattooed on his head! Oh. Oops.

At least I haven't pictured us as a married couple yet. But if I did, I'd think about how we call each other by our last names. Then when I'm Lily Potter and we argue, we'll have to call each other both Potter. We'll be so overwhelmed by how hot it sounds that we'll forget about the fight and shag like rabbits. And Black will be the godfather of our firstborn, with Chip as the godmother.

Agh, I did it again! It's like some sort of trap or something—I just keep snapping back into it!

"—BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT! ESPECIALLY WITH _HIM!"_ Came the roaring voice of an angry male as a couple stomped through the portrait. Chip and I both perked up, eager to watch the drama. A pair of fifth years became visible.

"What do you mean, 'especially'?" the girl demanded. "If you haven't noticed, he's—"

"I meant because he's your sodding team captain!" I quickly looked down, then looked back up, knowing the girl to be the Gryffindor Seeker.

"Rick, it didn't mean anything," she insisted. "It was just one kiss!"

"A _kiss?_ Carly, if that was a kiss, then what do you call this?" Rick pulled Carly to him and started snogging the living daylights out of her. The two staggered up the boys' staircase. Chip and I looked at each other, completely amused that they hadn't seemed to notice us.

A slightly ashamed looking James Potter snuck through the entrance, looking quite like a lonely dog. He looked up at us and winked.

I raised an eyebrow. "So, Potter, into homewrecking these days?"

With that he grinned and shrugged. "You know me. When I see something I want…"

"You are such a Quidditch player."

"I will take that as a compliment, Evans."

"Good, because it's the closest thing to a compliment you will ever receive from me."

He rolled his eyes and turned to head up to his dorm. "Err, I wouldn't do that if I were you," Chip warned.

Potter turned back to us and raised his eyebrows. "Why not?"

I smirked. "Because we haven't heard any doors slamming, which means Rick and Carly probably didn't make it to Rick's room…"

Potter made a face and flopped down on a couch. "Damn." He sighed. Chip and I returned to our game of chess. Potter picked up a magazine and flipped through it. Then he sighed and tossed it back onto the ground. He snapped his fingers idly. Then he sighed. And sighed _again_.

I threw my king at him, which he ducked with a startled cry. "For the love of God, Potter, if you sigh one more time there is going to be a full-blown murder in this Common Room! And unfortunately for you, I'm too damn smart to wind up in Azkaban."

Potter straightened in his seat, glaring/pouting at me. "Don't be mean, Evans. You know you love me."

"Potter, you're such a—such a—"

"Sexy, magnificent, and glorious specimen of manhood?"

"GIT!"

Chip coughed. "If it's all the same to you two, I think I'll be leaving. Too much sexual tension in here. I believe I'll go snog Black."

Potter and I glared daggers at Chip. "He's trapped upstairs in the dorm," Potter told her.

"Oh. Then I'll go snog someone else." She turned to leave and I pantomimed stabbing her in the back with my rook. Potter laughed.

"Err, yeah," I said awkwardly when I looked back at him.

"Yep."

"Uh-huh."

"HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL, YOU TWO COULD HAVE AT LEAST MADE IT TO YOUR DORM ROOM—IT'S LIKE TWO FEET AWAY!"

James chuckled a little. "Sounds like Sirius just tried to come downstairs."

"Yep," I agreed.

"Uh huh."

"So."

"Yeah?" he asked hopefully, obviously wishing for some distraction from what Chip described as 'sexual tension'. But honestly, I'm beginning to think she's right. Man. I have _sexual tension_ with _James Potter._ Oh! Oh my god! This goes against everything I've ever stood for! It's James Potter! Ahhhh!

"Sod it, Potter! You're such an obnoxious git!" He stared at me, a little shocked, having not expected another outburst. "I hope you fall down a well without your wand!" With that last childish comment, I stormed up to my dorm for no reason. Take that, sexual tension!

I flopped down on my bed, spacing out. Suddenly, I shot straight up into a sitting position. Wait a minute! Potter was _flirting_ with me! Agh! My life just got about ten thousand times more difficult. Curse Potter and his cursed sexual tension!


	18. Revelations

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: I own… two horses, a dog, a parakeet, a guinea pig, some shoes, and lots of lipgloss, but nooooo HP.

"Evans, Potter," McGonagall said, finishing up the list of names. I made a face and waited for Potter to move his stuff over to where I was sitting. I seem to have a fairly ironic life, eh? Scowling, I sipped from my maple syrup flask. Potter snickered.

"You know, it honestly shouldn't be amusing to you that I can't be in your presence without being drunk," I told him.

With that he frowned. "Lily Potter, must you always wound me?"

"Quite honestly, yes. I mean—" I trailed off, looking at him. He was smirking. Why was he smirking? Oh… oh my God! I just responded to the name of Lily Potter. Ohhhhh man.

"Evans, Potter, get to work!" McGonagall snapped suddenly.

"Don't worry, Professor," Chip said in a stage whisper loud enough for the class to hear clearly. "They have _sexual tension_." The class snickered, while Potter and I both blushed.

"Oh," Mickey said, a look of comprehension on her face. "Carry on, then."

Gah, what the hell? "Oh whatever, just get to work," I muttered to Potter. He continued to smirk at me. "Professor," I whined. McGonagall glared.

"Evans, Potter, stay after class." Someone behind me giggled. Probably Chip. Potter and I finished the activity in sour silence and hung behind when the bell rang. We both sauntered up to Mickey's desk.

The professor gave us a stern look. "Do you two know why I often pair you together? Or for that matter, why the other professors pair you together?"

"Because you live to torture us?" Potter muttered. I kicked him. Mickey didn't seem to notice.

"Because you hope we'll eventually give in and get along?" I ventured.

"We pair you together because you challenge each other. Each of you attempts to best the other, resulting in generally outstanding work when put together. Keep that in mind. Now go away." We gaped at our head of house. She arched an eyebrow. "Are you deaf? I said—" We were out of the classroom before she finished her sentence.

"Great, so the teachers are conspiring against us," Potter mused as we headed down the hall. I stopped, and he paused as well, looking at me with an eyebrow cocked to the side.

"Potter?" I asked. My voice was no where near as strong as I could have wished.

His expression changed to one of wary concern. "Yeah?"

"What's going on?"

Potter pulled his mouth to the side in my favorite lop-sided grin. "Well, Mickey's pretty much against us staying sane."

I frowned. "You know that's not what I meant."

His face went blank, and he sighed. "Very much so. Well…" He trailed off as a Ravenclaw hurried by. The two of us straightened automatically. I hadn't realized that we'd been leaning towards each other. Judging by Potter's blush, neither had he. He cleared his throat once the girl disappeared around the corner. He leaned down to me again. "Well," he repeated, his face hovering just inches in front of mine.

I looked carefully up into James Potter's hazel eyes, and my breath caught. Suddenly I was enfolded in his strong arms, my face pressed against his chest. He rested his cheek gently on the top of my head. For as long as we stood there, the two of us breathed cautiously, not daring to disrupt whatever was going on between us. With a last tight squeeze, James kissed the top of my head and quickly fled. I stood staring at his retreating figure. Then I leaned against the wall and slid to the floor, setting my head between my knees.

Oh my god. I was just hugging James Potter.

Oh my god. I think James Potter likes me.

Oh my god.

"Lily?" Chip gasped. My eyes flew wide open as I stared up at my best friend. "Lily, Lily, I think you're hyperventilating. Here…" Chip suddenly conjured a paper bag and had me breathe into it steadily. It took ages for me to settle. All I could smell was his cologne, and his breath, and his shampoo, and his… Jamesness. I tried to clear it from my head, but every time I did, I'd catch another whiff of him, and I'd have to start all over again. When I was finally breathing normally again, Chip crouched down in front of me, her brow furrowed with worry. "Lily, what happened?"

.xXx.

**OMGJAMESNESS!**

I settled down on a couch in the Common Room to think.

So. I was just hugging Lily Evans.

So. I think Lily Evans likes me.

So.

Suddenly I was pounced upon by a very angry and suspicious Chipper Poseidon. Her eyes narrowed at me.

"What?" I asked innocently.

"What in GOD'S NAME did you do to Lily?" she demanded.

I looked up at her sheepishly, devilishly.


	19. Midnight Hysterics

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: Mmmm… chocolate…

A/N: Wait, what's that? Two chapters in one day? Oh my goodness! You guys have got to love me. And for those of you who don't know, I FINISHED Handcuffs. Yep. I miss it already! Thanx for reading!!

**Lillllllly.**

Bang.

Yes, I have stooped to this level.

Bang.

I've been best friends with Chip for years now.

Bang.

I was bound to pick up at least one bad habit.

Bang.

Besides the cussing.

Bang.

And the violence.

Bang.

And… oh, never mind.

Bang.

So, there's a point to—

"AHHHH! CHIP YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME!"

Chip bounced onto my bed, scaring me to death. Her narrowed eyes accused me suspiciously. "You're hitting your head on your bedpost."

"Er, no I'm not?"

"What's wrong?" she demanded.

"Nothing?"

"STOP ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS WITH QUESTIONS!"

"Okay?"

Chip glared at me threateningly. "Lily Evans, you were talking in your sleep last night."

"Was I?" I knew very well that I was talking in my sleep. Don't ask me how. "And what did you find out?"

She smirked. "You're in /love/" She fluttered her fingers and eyelashes simultaneously.

I gulped. "And with whom and I in love?"

Her smirk widened, making her look sneaky and snake-like. "James. Potter." Chip hopped off of my bed and bounded toward the door, pausing with her hand on the doorknob, and glancing at me over her shoulder. "You know, Lils, I think he likes you, too… and you have a red spot on your forehead." My friend darted out of the room quick enough that the pillow I threw bounced off of the closed door. Oh god in heaven.

So, here's what we have. I like James. I mean Potter. He likes me. Now, that's not that bad. The problem? Chipper Poseidon knows.

.xXx.

**BOOM. JAMESIE HEAD.**

I hurried around the corner, carefully concealed under my beloved invisibility cloak, my footsteps echoing softly through the halls of Hogwarts.

"Oof!" I gasped as I ran into someone. I collapsed on the floor on top of that person. My life really is very ironic. I looked down at Li… Evans with a certain amount of asperity. Her eyes were wide for a quick moment, then she grinned, reached up, and carefully tugged my cloak off.

"So, Mr. Potter. Wandering the halls of Hogwarts?"

"Evans?" I looked at her carefully. It was only earlier this afternoon that I hugged her. At least she hasn't removed any of my essential body parts yet. Yet, being the keyword.

"What?" I leaned down and sniffed her. She looked fairly scandalized. When I lifted my head, I was vaguely aware that I was smirking triumphantly. "What?" she asked again, significantly more suspicious.

"You still smell like my cologne."

She glared, and quickly changed the expression to a smirk that would rival my own. "And you smell like my perfume."

"Meow." Mrs. Norris!

"Shit, run!"

.xXx.

**Lily Billy!**

I'm not sure which one of us made that final comment, and I'm not sure James knows either, but suddenly we were running for our lives, hand in hand. We slid around a turn, almost colliding with a suit of armor, then climbed a flight of stairs. I tried to go straight down a hallway I had never seen before, but James interrupted my idea.

"Not that way," he hissed, tugging me around a corner and shoving a tapestry aside. We crouched down and climbed into the wall, and he covered the opening back up. Quietly, the two of us crawled through the 'shortcut', trying not to pant too loudly. We tumbled out the other end in front of the fat lady.

"Slitherdoodles," I gasped, and she let us in. Potter and I collapsed on the floor of the Common Room, still panting. Suddenly he was laughing. I propped myself up on an elbow to look at him. Then I joined him.

"You should have seen your _face!"_ he blurted, causing me to smack him upside the head.

"_My_ face? You looked like you'd just seen a dementor!" We laughed hysterically for several minutes.

"What were you doing downstairs, anyway?" Potter asked when we were significantly recovered.

I hesitated. "Coming back from the kitchens."

Potter rolled onto his side to look at me. Smirk at me, really. "Liar."

Fortunately, he couldn't see my blush in the dark of the room. "Well what were _you_ doing, then?" I demanded.

"Coming back from the kitchens."

"You know, until I met you, I had no idea that someone could smirk with their voice."

"So, Evans, what _were_ you doing?"

I sighed. "It's really a long story."

Potter snaked a long arm above his head and pulled a big squishy pillow off of one of the couches, settling it behind his head. Then he pulled me into his arms and rested my head on his chest. "We have time."

"Okay, well, you remember Brandon and Travis, right?" I felt Potter tense, and took it as a yes. "So you see—hey!" I shot straight up, glaring accusingly at him through the dark. "Why are you touching me?!"

His bark of laughter startled me, as it was far from the reaction I had been expecting. I folded my arms across my chest and raised my eyebrows. "Evans?"

"What?" I replied sulkily.

"You didn't wash very well, did you?" He reached forward toward my ear, and seemed to pull a budded rose from it. As he offered it to me, I could faintly see his teeth glistening in a grin.

"Ugh," I groaned in irritation, smacking his forehead. I did, however, snatch the rose as I stood and fled to my room, listening to him chuckle.

Sitting on my bed, by the light of my wand, I examined the rose. It wasn't opened yet, just a tiny, perfect, pink bud. I smiled a bit in appreciation, and conjured a glass of water to set it in.

James Potter gave me a flower. A rose. I got a rose from James Potter. I _love_ said rose. There are very many things wrong with me. Because I like James Potter. And he's… well, he's James Potter. I'm sure it's understandable by now, you know, that I can't like Potter. So here it is: I CANNOT LIKE JAMES FREAKING POTTER.

There. I think I like James Potter. Admittance is the first step to recovery?


	20. A Food Fight and More

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: Ooh la la.

A/N: My reviewers? You are amazing. Absolutely amazing. So here, I throw you a cookie. Also known as a chapter. I love you guys. ::bursts into tears:: No, really!

"So, Lily, have fun last night?" a familiar voice murmured in my ear. I looked up, startled, as Potter settled down to sit next to me.

"What, we're friends now?" I asked.

"Don't be a smart arse, Evans," he teased, flicking a grape at me.

"Oi, prat, knock it off," I retorted, lobbing a spoonful of oatmeal at him.

"Oh, Evans, it is ON!" I squealed as Potter launched an all-out food fight in my direction. I fought back with all my held-in Tiger-Lilyness. And it didn't even have to cool effect of involving all of Hogwarts with a stray glob of jelly. No. No one seemed interested in an early morning food fight. So Potter and I wound up totally covered in food, and no one else cared to share our nastiness. Most people kind of stared, or held up text books as defense.

Eventually, Potter and I ran out of food within immediate reach. I looked at him, laughing, though jelly, toast, oatmeal, syrup, peanut butter, etc. "Potter!"

"Come on, Evans," he said, grinning widely. "Got to get you cleaned up."

"Wha—" with that, he scooped me up into his arms and raced out the doors, as if I weighed ten pounds. Thank god it was a Saturday. Soon, however, I became all too aware of where we were going. "Potter!" I squealed. "Put me down this—AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He jumped into the lake, me in his arms.

We both surfaced with much spluttering and lots of spit. "Argh!" I lunged at Potter and forced him under the water. Naturally, he dragged me down with him, and when we surfaced again, I was wrapped tightly in his arms and he didn't seem to have any intention of releasing me. I was uncomfortably aware of how warm his body was in the icy waters of the lake.

I opened my mouth to protest, but was cut off by a pair of lips. Not just any lips. _James Potter's lips_. Those are like, trademarked. And my traitor body betrayed me and made me kiss him back. In my defense, any sane girl being kissed by James Potter would kiss him back.

But then again, I'm not any sane girl. I'm Lily Evans. And I'm kissing James Potter. Ohmygoodness, this can not be a good thing.

.qQq.

**JAMES!!!!!!**

I couldn't believe it. I was kissing Lily Evans. Not only was I kissing Lily Evans, but she's not forcing bodily pain upon me, and I still have all of my, er, _favored_ body parts still attached. And even more mind-blowing than that: Lily Evans was kissing me back.

Very calmly, she eventually pulled away and gave me a level stare, despite her near-hyperventilation. "Potter, if you ever touch me again without my express permission, I will make sure that your sweet soprano voice is the admiration of everyone you meet for the rest of your life."

With that, she minced out of the water, without looking back. I smiled as I watched her go. You see, this is marvelous. I kissed Lily Evans. Lily Evans kissed me back. I'm not injured or dead. And she said 'without my express permission'. Which means, she plans on giving me permission to touch her.

Score one for the sexual tension.


	21. Groupies

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: Omglookashinypony!

A/N: Okay, so I went back and fixed the thing about James' hair when he was bald—sorry about that!

To the confusion with fun suckers? I meant switch each of the first letters: the F and the S. You may draw your own conclusions.

Livin and Breathin? Omg, I think I love you. You are so totally allowed to use that disclaimer.

You guys are fantastic—this last week, I've gotten a ridiculous amounts of reviews. Have fun with this!

**Yes, darlings, we have traveled back to Lily Billy's mind.**

So, I seem to have picked up a gaggle of third and fourth year groupies. I'm not even joking. They seem to follow Chip and me everywhere, oohing and ahhing over everyone we know and everything we say. They hang on our every word and copy our every movement.

It's rather flattering, actually. And to be honest, more than a little creepy. I mean, all it takes is for one of them to knock me out and start clipping my hair to put in a polyjuice potion, and my identity is lost. I even taught them _how_ to brew a polyjuice potion, as extra credit for Slughorn. That's like putting the gun into the murderer's hand!

Maybe I should shave my head.

Anyways, they have taken to following me around, which I don't mind too much. Except for the part where it kind of makes me seem like a mother duck being followed by a bunch of little ducklings, all getting underfoot.

"So, Lily, I saw you and James Potter go off together yesterday," Christa squealed.

"More like he picked her up and carried her off," Emily corrected.

"It was so romantic!" Tracie gushed.

"Actually, it was more like being treated like a sack of potatoes," I told them, feeling a blush grow on my cheeks.

"So what did he do?" Katie demanded.

"Threw me in the lake."

They all oohed. "You went SWIMMING with him!" Somehow, they seem to manage to make the worst actions into something romantic or provocative.

"Did he kiss you?" Christa asked. Naturally, I hesitated. Cue eight or so high pitched squeals. Ouch.

"Did you kiss him back?" I opened my mouth to lie, only to find that I couldn't. More squeals.

"Well? Do you like him?" Christa wanted to know.

"No!" I protested, blushing brightly, which they took as a solid affirmative. Oh my goodness, what will this do to my reputation? If I even have one left when all is said and done…

.xXx.

**Now into the evil vortex that is our dear Marauder's mind.**

I looked up from my book as Christa sauntered into my dorm. I raised my eyebrows expectantly. "Well?" The girl sat on the edge of my bed, pouting prettily at me.

"I'll hold up my end of the bargain if you hold up yours," she said, looking up at me through her lashes.

I grinned. "It's all set up," I assured her. "Hogsmeade this Saturday, he'll get a table for the two of you at Madame Puddifoot's. Now, dish."

"Well," she said slowly, scooting closer to me. "She didn't want to talk about you."

My face fell. "Oh."

She made an exasperated sound. "That's a good thing, James," Christa assured me. "And she wouldn't tell us that you kissed. And she didn't deny kissing you back."

"Which means…?" It seems I am very deaf to girl-speak. Maybe I'm on the wrong channel.

"Which _means_ that she totally liked it. And _then_ she denied liking you!"

"…"

Christa rolled her eyes. "Which means she likes you!"

I struggled to close my mouth. "Really?"

"Really."

I whooped and jumped up, grabbing Christa around the waist and swinging her in a circle. "Christa, that's fantastic!"

She laughed as I set her back down. "Now, we have a deal, don't we?"

"Yep. He'll have a bouquet of blue roses on the table so you can find him more easily."

"Blue roses?"

"Blue roses."


	22. Fainting and Such

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: I wish I was an Oscar Meyer weenie…

**Oh my sweet lambs, we now travel back to Lily's mind. Please do not stand until we come to a complete stop. Thank you.**

I looked up, startled, as Remus threw his bag down and flounced in the seat next to mine. He looked quite harried and annoyed as he threw evil glances at his friends.

"Rough weekend?" I asked meekly.

Remus snorted. "Next time I accept a mystery date from Padfoot or Prongs, please smack me."

I winced. "What happened?"

"Well, James set me up with this annoying, blonde little fourth year. He even made me transfigure _blue roses_ for her. Blue roses—can you believe it? And all she did was _talk_. Merlin, she was annoying. Only, come to find out, I was the price of a deal she had with Prongs!"

A tickling suspicion crept into my throat. "What was this girl's name?" I asked casually.

"Christa something-or-other," he said dismissively.

"Did she say what the deal was about?" I prompted, trying to keep my voice light.

Remus shrugged. "Something about giving him information on a girl she was practically stalking."

I shivered as everything fell into place. So Potter was milking my groupies for information, was he? Remus looked at me, concerned.

"Are you okay, Lils?"

Wait—the kiss—I told Christa—oh sweet Merlin. He knows. Remember that reputation I may or may not have had after all of this? Well, I definitely won't have one, after all.

Then, with all of this sudden information racing through my already over-burdened head, I did a very un-Lily-like thing. I fainted.

.xXx.

**Now we return to James's mind.**

I watched Lily fall with utter horror. However, as amazing as I am, even _I_ couldn't make it across the classroom in time to catch her. Slughorn turned around, startled, as Lily crashed to the ground, hitting her books and empty cauldron, which landed on top of her. Still, I managed to get there fairly quickly.

"Remus!" I hissed angrily as he and I uncovered Lily and Slughorn fluttered around uselessly. "How could you not catch her?" He gave me a 'you-must-be-out-of-your-bloody-mind' look. Once we had Lily uncovered, I touched her forehead lightly, wincing at the cut playing across it. "I'll take her to the infirmary," I volunteered quickly.

.xXx.

**Lily's turn.**

I woke groggily, aware that I was being rocked gently. I slowly opened my eyes, only to find that I was apparently in James Potter's arms, and he was looking at my face intently, worry dark in his eyes. The rocking motion seemed to come from the fact that he was walking. Relief colored his face instantly.

"Lily!" he said softly, his voice jubilant. I groaned and closed my eyes. Please, god, don't let me puke on him.

We soon arrived at the infirmary, and the old witch shooed Potter off. Thank god. I don't think I could deal with his presence in my current fragile mental and emotional state.

The healer checked all of my vitals worriedly. "What happened, dear?"

I hesitated. What could I possibly _tell _her? I felt blood running down my face from a head wound I felt all too clearly. Haha, that must be what's making me so nauseous. Right. Ooh—that is the _perfect_ excuse.

"Please—I don't really remember," I said in a withering little voice, touching my forehead. The room spun again as I looked at my bloody fingers. Do head wounds always bleed this much? I never knew I had such a weak stomach. I swear to god, James is making me all too helpless. Potter, I mean.

She gave me a pitying look. "It's okay, sweet," she assured me. Did the woman just call me 'sweet'? No wonder I don't come here all that often. Although, before James I was slightly less accident prone… Er, Potter. "Well, I'll give you a potion that will fix you right up after a good long sleep. Just hold still for a moment," she said, disappearing, presumably to go get the potion.

Great, so I was going to be asleep for a while. Which meant James would have access to my inanimate body—if he said something I didn't agree with, then I couldn't smack him. Um, Potter.

The healer returned, holding a cup to my lips. "Drink this," she ordered. Screwing my eyes tightly shut, I gulped the vile concoction. Fatigue already dragging at me, I lay down on a cot, vaguely aware that the nurse was dabbing at the blood on my face.

That's it; I'm blaming James for this. I mean Potter, dammit!


	23. Awkwardness at its Greatest

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: This one time, at band camp, I changed my name to JK Rowling.

A/N: Ps, please tell me fanfic is just lying to me, because it says I didn't get ANY reviews on the last chapter! My darlings, that _hurts!_ ::pouts:: I don't feel loved.

When I woke, I was groggy and disoriented, and I could not figure out _why,_ in the name of all things syrupy I was lying naked in a bed with James Potter.

Fortunately, I soon woke up from _that_ bloody nightmare, though I'm pretty sure I'm scarred for life. That's right up there with that incident with Chip, Sirius, Wood, and that girl. Gugh… please hold while I wait for the nausea to pass…

But really, when I woke up, I can't say that my first sight was entirely pleasant. I was on my side, facing the cot on my right. Sitting on said cot was a shirtless and scrumptious James Potter, with the healer binding a deep wound on his well-muscled left bicep.

I discreetly turned over—there was no way I could watch him in all of his god-like beauty. However, on my other side was a shirtless Sirius Black. Unfortunately, Black had a long, shallow slice across his abs. Which meant that he was bleeding, if not heavily.

Struggling to keep hold of my rebellious stomach, I frantically calculated my options. It would be detrimental to my wellbeing to look at James, and detrimental to my stomach to look at Sirius, and if I looked straight up, I got dizzy. Ooh, choices, choices. One last glance at Black told me that there was no way that I could look at him without getting sick. Bracing myself, I turned over.

Potter wasn't looking at me—which was good. He had his eyes closed as the healer dabbed at a small cut on his cheek. I watched him inconspicuously through my lashes as the woman moved away, presumably to attend to Sirius. Potter smoothed the bandage on his arm, then looked at me. I froze, caught in the act.

He smiled—damn him—and held a finger to his lips, glancing over my shoulder, presumably at the healer. Watching him in all of his lovely innocence, I remembered that I was completely and irrevocably pissed at him. He was milking my groupies for information. He knew about the kiss. My world spun threateningly at the thought. Damn you Evans, don't you _dare_ faint.

The healer left, and it sounded like Black was settling down for a nap. I wonder what the hell happened to them, anyways. No, you know what? I don't want to know. Potter settled back onto the pillows, eyeing me with a cocky grin.

"So, Evans, about the lake…" he trailed off at my furious glare, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"I hope you get eaten by a Niffler, you godforsaken bastard," I told him darkly, using Chip's name for Black. I think she might have copyrighted it by now, so I might owe her a galleon.

Potter raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Whoa, what's stuck up your arse, Evans?"

"How long have you been milking my groupies for information, Potter?" I demanded. He looked taken aback by that, and turned very pale.

"Well, this is sufficiently awkward," chimed a new voice. A girlish voice. A very familiar girlish voice. I slowly, furiously, turned to the door. Christa was standing there, looking very, very scared. Where's my wand? Where IS my wand? WHERE IS THAT GODFORSAKEN BASTARD PIECE OF MAGICAL CHERRY WOOD?

"Um, Evans, it's on the table next to you," Potter said tentatively. Dammit, I said it out loud. This seems to be the story of my life. Christa had fled.

"That girl is dead," I declared, gripping my wand for dear life. Then I considered my words. "Right after you."

"In all fairness," Black interrupted, apparently not yet asleep. Damn. "He did have to bribe her pretty heavily."

"I know!" I half-shouted. "You sold Remus to her!"

"_Sold,_ is a poor term to use," Potter said uncomfortably.

Suddenly, I remembered that I could leave. Ha! I leapt out of bed, stifling a shriek as my bare feet hit the cold floor. Potter stared. Why is he staring? Cool air swirled around my body. Oh… oh no… I looked down.

So, I'm just wearing my long sleeve school button-up blouse over my undergarments. I don't even want to know. I looked back up at Potter, who was turning a lovely shade of red.

"Well, today is just significantly awkward, don't you think?" Black asked. Oh yeah. I forgot about Black.

Oh well, they've already seen it all. I swore and pulled on my skirt and shoes, gathering the rest of my clothing in my arms. Wordless, I turned and exited the hospital wing.

And ran right into a fairly blood-soaked Travis, who Brandon was helping into the hospital wing. Not believing my misfortune, I looked down. I was covered in blood.

Clasping a hand to my mouth, I high-tailed it to the hospital bathroom. A few minutes later, my stomach empty, I returned to the hospital wing, now wearing my robes and carrying my skirt and blouse. I sat down on my bed, holding my head in my hands. Brandon sat with Travis, who apparently had a compound fracture in his arm from falling off his broom. The healer had already set it.

Awkward silence settled across the five of us. Potter broke it, damn him. "So, Brandon, Travis, what were you two doing with Lily a couple of weeks ago? In the middle of the night?" God must be laughing his holy arse off. I swear.

Travis choked, and I cringed, looking up at them. They stared back. "Nothing," the three of us chorused.

"You know if you don't tell me, I'm just going to use Sirius' sick and twisted mind to think of something much worse," Potter reasoned.

"No, I don't think it could get much worse," Travis said slowly.

Potter raised his eyebrows. "Sirius?"

"Worse than the you all having a threesome on Filch's desk?"

I nodded. "Pretty much." I caught the twins' blue eyes. What could I tell him?

Suddenly, Potter made a gasping sound. "Evans, you didn't…"

I coughed delicately. "No, no I didn't."

"Um, what didn't she do, that she probably really did do, even though she says she didn't do it?" Sirius asked, then paused, puzzling out what he had just said.

I pursed my lips together and raised an eyebrow at Potter. He sighed, deflated. "I have no idea."

"I'm leaving." With that, I stood and swept out the door. Which would have been very effective and dramatic if I hadn't slipped in the blood Travis had spilled on his way in. Oh, come on!

When I returned from the bathroom, I used my wand to clean my robes. I can't believe I didn't think of that earlier, but Potter seems to make me dumber. Ech. I hate him. Unfortunately, he's just so cute! Argh, shut up, Evans.

And nothing he could say or do is going to make me admit that Travis, Brandon, and I had been out brewing felix felicis. That was pretty much illegal on school grounds when not expressly supervised by Slughorn or whatever. And I would die if I got caught doing something _that_ against the rules. That would put the Marauders _far_ ahead in the score.

Oh, score? Girls: 596, Boys: 557. Yes, we are that good. Anyway.

Come to think of it, I don't even know _why_ Brandon and Travis are brewing felix felicis. They asked for my help, so I ever-kindly agreed, because I am the angel of generosity. And they gave me 200 galleons up front. That sort of helped.

Although it kinda makes me feel like a whore. Bastard owl.

"Okay, I'm really leaving now, before anything else awkward happens."

"And for the record, Evans?" Potter said suddenly, interrupting my flight. "Sirius is the one who thought to use Moony as a bargaining chip."

I stared at him. Remus walked into the room, holding a sheaf of papers. "Hey does anyone know where Madam Pumpernickel is?" He trailed off as he looked at us. "I suddenly feel as if I was just being spoken about."

With a happy shriek of "REMIE!", Christa burst out of the store-closet and threw herself at Remus. With a strangled yell, Remus tossed the sheaf of papers in the air and high-tailed it out of the hospital wing, Christa right on his tail.

We gaped at the still-swinging doors. So that's how she disappeared so fast. She just never left. ::shudders:: Creepy. Remind me to check under my bed before I go to sleep from now on.


	24. Groupies Gone Bad

**Summary:** "If you don't stop talking to me, I WILL hex you," I told James. The prat shut up and stared at me. Eh, I'll hex him anyway. Do NOT annoy Lily Evans.

Disclaimer: Dude, I was transferring this chappie from another document, and I thought I deleted it. I almost threw up, no joke.

A/N: Groupies Gone Bad, aka Invasion of the Body Snatchers!

Oh, and fanfic is being screwy for me. It just sent me confirmation emails for 19, 20, and 21 yesterday, so I don't know what's going on… I love you guys!

A couple of weeks later, I paused at the bottom of the girls' steps, staring at the scene before me. No one noticed me, because everyone else was deeply enthralled by the scene. At first, I didn't quite understand why everyone was looking so shocked. I mean, people's mouths were actually hanging open.

A messy-haired boy was sitting on the couch, and the messy hair tipped me off as to who the boy was. Some girl was straddling his lap, and they were quite obviously snogging. Blissfully. Fantastic—just what I always wanted to wake up to. Not.

What I couldn't figure out was why everyone was staring. She looked normal enough, and she wasn't in dresscode, but it was a Hogsmeade day, so who cares? She was wearing a skin-tight emerald green halter and low-rise jeans. Since I was looking at her back, all I could tell of her physical make up was that she was slender, and had a great arse. Hey, I'm allowed to say it.

Wait.

No. Holy shit, oh my god, no way in hell. No. Excuse me while I mentally vomit. That can NOT be who I think it is, making out with JAMES FREAKING POTTER.

I know what you're thinking. Oh my goodness, since when is Lily so bloody territorial? But, no, you have NO idea.

Because that girl making out with James Potter… is me.

Well, of course, she's not _actually_ me, but she's wearing my body. And my great arse! And she's snogging James Potter.

Which, of course, would be why everyone was staring.

Shit! They think I'm making out with James Potter!

Completely unnoticed, I crept into the Common Room. Then I grabbed whore-Lily's shoulder and hauled her off of Potter. Everybody was pretty much like WTF by then.

"Hey, what the hell—" she broke off when she saw who was daring to interrupt her snogging session with Potter. My snogging session Potter. No, wait, that sounded wrong. "Oh… shit…"

"Oh shit is right."

Potter stared up at us. "Two Lilys? Who killed me, 'cos I must be dead?"

I reached down and smacked him upside the head, which cleared the glaze from his eyes. "You git, this whore is impersonating me!" The room was full of whispers and accusations.

"I am not!" she protested. "Who are you, you stalker!?"

"How do we know which one of you is the _real_ Lily?" some numbskull demanded.

I rolled my eyes, still holding the imposter's arm in a tight grip. "Do you numbwits seriously think I would snog _Potter?"_

Potter shook his head, then stood. "I snogged Lily Evans," he mused.

I smacked him again. "No, you snogged someone under the influence of polyjuice potion."

"What are you talking about, you lunatic?" the girl demanded loudly. "Get your hands off of me!"

I looked around. "Okay, for the record, Lily Evans DID NOT SNOG JAMES POTTER, okay? Lily Evans is taking Fake Lily Evans up to McGonagall for impersonating Lily Evans. Everyone got that?" Most of the people nodded slowly. "If I hear even a _whisper_ of a rumor that I snogged James Potter, I will personally wring the guilty party's neck. Is that clear?" Now everyone nodded vigorously. "Good. Now Potter, you're coming with me."

"I'm what?" he yelped.

"You're going to testify that this _girl_ seduced you under the guise of being me." For the first time, I looked at the girl. It was kind of like looking in the mirror. Okay, it was exactly like looking in the mirror. Only, creepier. Okay, I can't look at her. Anyway.

.xXx.

**This is the part where we move back to James' mind, my dear… well, I still don't have a good nickname for ya'll. SOMEONE GIVE ME A NICKNAME ALREADY! Um, anyway. James.**

I numbly followed the Lilys up to McGonagall's office. You have to admit, I've been through a lot in the last fifteen minutes. I mean, first Fake Lily (although I didn't know she was Fake Lily) comes and sits in my lap, then starts snogging me! I mean, really! Then Real Lily comes downstairs and tears Fake Lily off of me. I was looking at two Evans'! Can you believe it? Two gorgeous, identical redheads. I'd like to think Real Lily was acting a bit territorial.

Although, it might have something to do with the body snatcher I was just snogging.

McGonagall looked up as Real Lily stormed into the room, scowling beautifully. Real Lily, not McGonagall. McGonagall's surprise turned to obvious shock as Real Lily pulled Fake Lily in behind her, and I followed.

"Miss Evans…?" she didn't seem sure of who to address.

"Yes?" they both asked.

Real Lily scowled again. "Professor, this _girl_ is impersonating me!"

McGonagall's eyebrows raised. "Mr. Potter?"

"The temperamental one is Real Lily," I told her.

"You're sure?"

"He's sure!" Real Lily snapped. "This… imposter seduced him in the Common Room. It's _obviously_ something I'd never do!"

"Obviously," I agreed drolly.

"Oh my," McGonagall said. "Who are you?" she demanded of Fake Lily.

"Lily Evans. Now will you tell this little freak that she is _not_ me?" Wow, she even sounds like Real Lily.

"Oh my god, she's brainwashed," I noted.

McGonagall looked at us suspiciously. "You're sure this isn't actually Miss Evans?"

Real Lily growled. "Give her a few hours. Then see who she really is."

"All right, I'll send for Madam Pumpernickel. This girl will probably have to spend some time in St. Mungo's."

"Right." I looked to Real Lily. "So, Real Lily, shall we go back to the Common Room."

"Don't call me that."

.xXx.

**Ah, our darling Lily.**

I got halfway down the stairs before I collapsed, shaking and hyperventilating.

"Evans?" Potter demanded, his voice frightening with worry. "Evans, what's wrong?"

"I'm having a panic attack," I said between gasps.

"Really?" he no longer sounded worried. More curious. "Why?"

"BECAUSE SOME GIRL JUST TRIED TO STEAL MY IDENTITY!"

He blinked. "Oh. You know, you're kinda white."

"That's because I'm PANICKING, you prat!"

"Um, if it helps, I never thought Fake Lily was you."

I shot him a glare. "Really, 'cos you looked pretty blissful."

He looked briefly ashamed. "I was also pretty sure I was dreaming."

"You dream about snogging me?" That abruptly ended my hyperventilating.

Potter turned pink. HA! Hahaha! I made Potter blush! "Well, um… what, and you've never dreamed about me in the romantical sense?"

"Romantical isn't a word."

"Oh. So that's a yes?"

"No!"

"Liar," he said, sounding amused. "Lily Evans dreams about me! So will you go out with me?"

"WHAT?" Did James freaking Potter just ask me out?

"I _said,"_—his tone implied that I might be mentally handicapped—"Will you go out with me?" He seemed curious, but thankfully not serious.

"Potter, I would rather chew off my left hand than go out with you!" I mean, I just nearly had my identity stolen, people! What does the boy expect of me?

"Well, that's not too bad…"

"I'm left-handed." I stretched my hand up. "Now help me up and let's get out of here."

He rolled his eyes and hauled me to my feet. "Evans, you are completely impractical."

I grinned at him. "I know."


	25. Paging Prince Charming

A/N: I know ya'll are curious, but Fake Lily will come in later::evil laughter:: And to clear it up, she was impersonating Lils simply to snog James. I love shallow characters… lol. Lol, FM.

HEYHEYHEY, for some shameless self promotion, I started a new fic, WANDERING EYES. It's gonna be really good—Madness-esque, I think. I love you guys! FM.

Disclaimer: I own a pair of fishnets. That's all I'm saying.

"I'd hate to be you," Chip said one evening as I flopped down beside her on a sofa in the Common Room.

"Why?" I demanded quickly. She handed me a piece of paper. It was a letter from my mum. "You read my mail?" I asked blandly. Chip waved her hand for me to read the letter, grinning.

'_Lily Dearest,_

_As you know, Petunia is engaged to Vernon Dursley. They have decided to hold the wedding over the summer, which means you can help us plan! Isn't this exciting? And dear, bring your lovely friend, Chipper—she's such a nice girl to have around. Of course the two of you will need companions, so bring your boyfriend, and Chipper can bring a boy, too. We'll be staying at the summerhouse, so rooming will be no problem. I can't wait to see you!_

_Love,_

_Mum'_

I said some pretty dirty words just then. No joke. Why is my mother always under the impression that I have a boyfriend?

Chip looked amused. "Lily, just bring me. You'll live if you don't have a _male escort."_ Is it just me, or did she just make that sound dirty? Whatever.

"Chip, you don't understand!" I wailed, drawing attention from most of the people in the Common Room. "I can't show up without a boyfriend! Because for the rest of my life, I'll have to see pictures of this godforsaken wedding, and everyone in my family will be like 'Oh, poor Lily. Such a shame that no boy wanted to be her escort'. And no one will want to bring attention to it, so they won't talk about the pictures. Then they'll get over-sensitive about it, and won't talk to me at all, and then I'll be a social outcast in my own family! A picture-leper, because no one will even want to set up the pictures around their house, because they won't want to hurt my feelings because I'm all alone in the pictures. And then no one will invite me to any wedding because they don't want me to feel bad that I can't seem to get a date. And then I'll never be able to meet anyone, and people will avoid me because I don't know them, but they know I'm a picture-leper, and I'll die all alone with, like, fifteen cats because no one else loves me!"

"All because you didn't bring a boy to Petunia's wedding." I nodded, panting a little from my rant. "Then we'll find you a boy, love. Trust me."

I should have learned long before to never, _ever_ trust Chipper Poseidon.

.xXx.

"Next," I said with a yawn. Chip crossed out the name. We were going through the boys of Hogwarts, trying to decide who was worthy of being my date.

Chip groaned. "What are you looking for then, Lily? Give me some criteria or something!"

"I need someone decently attractive, who can hold a conversation to some extent," I ticked the points off on my fingers. "Is used to muggles, and won't accidentally give a way the wizarding world or something. He has to have known me all through Hogwarts, in case Petty decides to grill him to see if I hired him or something. He needs to have good manners, and won't chase off after one of my pretty cousins or something."

"Oh, is that all?" she asked sarcastically.

I thought it over and nodded. "Yeah, pretty much."

Chip shrugged. "I hate to say it, Lils, but I think there's only one boy who's going to fit that form."

I sat up, looking at her curiously. "Who?"

"You're not going to like it," she warned. I glared. "James Potter."

"Poseidon—"

"Hear me out, Lils. He's decently attractive." Okay, I admit to that. "He can hold a conversation to some extent." Occasionally. "His father's minister, so he's used to muggles, and won't accidentally give away our world." True. "He _has_ known you all though Hogwarts." Unfortunately. "He has good manners." Since when? Although, he _can_ be charming when he tries, I'll admit. "And he won't go chasing off after one of your pretty cousins."

"Why not?"

She raised her eyebrows. "Because he's obsessed with you, in case you hadn't noticed." Oh, yeah.

"There has _got_ to be someone else!"

"You could always take Remus, but he's _sick_ so often…"

"Goddammit, I'm going to wind up taking James bloody Potter to my sister's wedding, aren't I?"

Chip nodded sympathetically. "I believe so, dearie."

Oh.

My.

Giddy.

Aunt.

"If it helps, we can call her The Freak instead of Lily's Sister." Gee, why didn't I think of that? The portrait slammed. "There's the devil himself. Oi, Potter! Get your arse over here—Lily needs you to do her a favor."

Oh how I wish I could dissolve into my seat. Potter bounded over (long legged bastard!) and sat on the arm of the sofa. Chip went off and started snogging Black energetically on the foot of the stairs of the boys' dorm.

"What's up, my lovely lady?"

"Um, well, is undying gratitude a currency?"

He stared at me blankly. "What?"

I sighed. "I need to kind of rent you for the summer."

"And out of it, I'd get your undying gratitude?"

I nodded, blushing. "Pretty much, yeah."

He rubbed his chin, looking thoughtful. "I can work with that." I gaped. "So what's going on?"

I took a deep breath and explained the whole situation. "And you're the only one who fits all of the criteria," I admitted. Now he's going to be a cocky bastard about it, isn't he?"

Instead, he bowed from his seat, took my hand, and kissed it. I stifled a shiver—knee-jerk reaction, people. Damn him and his perfect lips. Oh, speaking of…

"Which means," I said slowly. "That I hereby give you my express permission to touch me whenever it's necessary to look appropriately lovey-dovey. Okay?"

"What ever you say, pearl of my heart."

I glared. "Potter, it's not summer yet," I warned, but I didn't have the heart to sound appropriately menacing.

He grinned. "Ah, but why shouldn't we practice, Lils? We want to convince your family, don't we?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "What's the catch, Potter?"

"Well, that would ruin it, wouldn't it? And really, you should call me James." His eyes twinkled wickedly.

"Whatever." I paused. "Thank you… James." Then I got up and headed to my dorm.

.xXx.

**Now to the mind of the ridiculously elated James Potter.**

Told you she was planning on giving me her express permission to touch her.

So, I get to spend the whole summer with Lily Evans. Either I'm going to be murdered slowly and painfully, or I am going to come out of this a new man. A very _happy_ new man. You see, the catch is this: I know Lily at least sort of likes me, even if she won't admit it. If we're spending all summer acting like boyfriend and girlfriend… I think you can see where this is going. Cue evil laughter.

I should probably owl my mum.


	26. Meet the Parents

Disclaimer: I walked into a doorframe over Christmas break and split one of my eyebrows open. I doubt JK is as uncoordinated as I am.

**This is the brilliant mind of Lily Evans, mon cherie. **

I nervously gripped my luggage in one hand kept the other shoved firmly in my pocket. Chip, Potter, and Black were all standing with me as we stood on the muggle side of Platform 9 ¾, waiting for my parents.

"LILY!" My parents appeared out of nowhere, as they are apt to do when I'm looking for them. My mum hugged me fiercely, while my dad took my luggage from me. "Oh Lily, it's so good to _finally_ see you again!" Then she hugged Chip and stood back so my dad could hug me. "And these must be your boyfriends!" She seemed so ridiculously happy that Chip and I had boyfriends. 'Boyfriends,' really. But she didn't know that.

Black and Potter bowed simultaneously, which my mother ate up. She loves it when boys act old-fashioned like that. Potter actually kissed her hand. "James Potter, mum," he said.

"And I'm Sirius Black." At least Black didn't kiss her hand.

My father looked at me and mouthed _'James Potter?'_ I gave him a tell-you-later shrug. I should really figure out something to tell him. Or I could make Potter do it for me.

"Well, I'm Trevor Evans, and this is my wife, Ivy. We're glad to have you all staying with us this summer." Daddy's expression made it clear that he was _not_ glad to have James Potter under his roof. I may have been a _bit_ too verbal about 'the Potter Prat' while I was at home. Oops, too late to fix that now, I guess.

James firmly took my hand in his as we followed my parents to our car. I looked up and he winked at me, obviously realizing my father's skepticism. I blushed. This was going to be ever so fun.

**Jamesie ness!**

At least her mum likes me?

**Back to Lily!**

It was over a two-hour drive to the summerhouse. In a car. With James Potter next to me, holding my hand. And chatting with my parents. I think my dad likes him now.

Someone shoot me. Actually, since I'm a witch, I should probably ask someone to Avada me. Whatever.

As we pulled into the long driveway of our summerhouse, I rolled down the window so I could smell the summer air. Potter looked out the window past me.

"You live here?"

I rolled my eyes. No, dumbass. What is the definition of a _summer_house? "Only in the summer," I replied. "I'd live here forever if I could, though. It's really much more posh than our actual house."

"I'll say," said Chip, who had been here a few times with me. Of course, it didn't compare with her actual house, but the estate itself was quite magnificent.

We pulled up to the big house on its perfectly manicured lawn, and I drank the sight in. Really, I do love this place. "We're simple people," my dad was saying. "We don't need luxury all of the time."

"Yeah, but you have to admit that it's pretty nice!" Sirius called as we got out of the car. As a former member of one of the wizarding world's most prestigious families, and a current member of it's _most_ prestigious, Sirius would know. He thoughtfully took Chip's luggage for her. She looked pretty smug having Sirius as a 'boyfriend'. I mean, it looked like she had him whipped.

"Here Lily, let me get the door for you," Potter said. He was carrying my luggage and holding the door open. Oh. Speaking of whipped.

"Thanks James," I said, passing by him and into the house. I took a deep breath. I even like the way it smells. The boys stopped beside me, looking up at the great staircase and it's wide, polished rails. I understood the unmistakable look of lust on their faces. "They are kept polished specially for me," I told them. "And yes, they are as good as they look."

Mum rolled her eyes. "Lily dear, show the boys to their rooms, then you can slide down those bloody rails all you want."

"Yes!" Chip shouted, racing up the stairs. Gaining sudden intelligence, the boys levitated our luggage and chased us up the stairs. Lucky bastards and their normal birthdays. I don't turn seventeen till mid summer.

Chip was already in her bedroom, which she had used on previous stays. It was right next to mine, and they had the best view in the house, facing the back of the property. The first thing I did was throw my windows open and let the breeze in. Then I told the boys that they could have the two rooms across the hall from Chip and me.

And then began the rail sliding.

**James bo Bames, banana fanna fo Fames, Ja-ames!**

Okay, add this up for me.

Fantastically enthusiastic redhead who I adore, who loves sliding down rails.

I love sliding down rails.

Several hours of free time.

Competitive nature, which compels me to have rail sliding contests.

Did you get the same product I did?

**Lily bo Billy, banana fanna fo Filly, Li-ly!**

He shredded his pants!

**Back to James.**

I shredded my pants.

**Brief intermission to Lily.**

I thought I would laugh myself to death!

**James!**

I thought Lily was going to laugh herself to death.

**Lily!**

His boxers had snitches on them!

**James!**

I was wearing my boxers with snitches on them.

**Lily!**

Actually, it was kind of hott.

**James!**

I think she found it kind of hott.

**Lily!**

This is going to be a _long_ summer.

**James!**

I'm going to marry that girl.


	27. Brownies and OTHER Stuff

A/N: My psychic powers tell me that you are going to very much love this chapter. ::evil laughter::

Disclaimer: Haha, I'm eating an ice cream sundae right now, and I bet JK isn't! SO THERE, JO, SO THERE!

**Lily POV**

I sat in my favorite tree, gazing at the clear blue sky and popping LifeSavers like an addict. I had just finished off a roll of Butter Rum and was halfway through a five-flavor roll, keeping all of the clear ones in my left hand in a slightly obsessive-compulsive manner. I was so intent on the sky that I didn't realize that James had climbed up the tree until he was sitting on the branch across from mine. I made a face at him.

"Go away."

He frowned comically. "But _Lils…"_

"No, this is my good luck tree, and I want you as far from it as possible."

James raised his eyebrows. "Good luck tree?"

I rolled my eyes. "Almost every time I sit in it, something happens to make my day. Once I found a necklace in a bird's nest, and sometimes I'll escape chores without meaning to. You know, good luck stuff."

"Did you think that _I_ might be the thing to make your day?" he asked curiously, his head cocked to the side.

I blinked slowly. You know, I hadn't even considered that possibility. "I don't think so, Potter."

"Why not?" I shrugged, not even wanting to go into the list. "Can I have a LifeSaver?"

I raised an eyebrow. "You know what a LifeSaver is?" He shrugged, and I looked down at the roll. The next candy was clear, so I popped it into my palm and gave him a purple disk.

James half-grinned, sucking on the candy. "Obsessive compulsive much?"

I blushed. "You have no idea." We sat in comfortable silence before the prat decided to break it.

"So… why can't I possibly be what's going to make your day?"

I snapped. "Because! You're an arrogant, bullying, to—" My voice was cut off instantly as James Potter covered my lips with his. I remained speechless as he drew away.

"Sorry, Petunia was looking," he said softly. He climbed out of the tree, while I sat there, dumbstruck.

"She couldn't possibly see us!" I shouted when I had recovered my wits, but it was too late. The cunning berk was long gone. Damn him.

When I was positive he couldn't see me, I let myself give a self-satisfied grin. So Potter was right: he just made my day.

**Jamesieville!**

Haha. I kissed Lily. Again. And she can't even get mad about it, because she gave me her express permission to touch her. This may breach the lines of "appropriate timing," but I don't think she'll object, because if we had a row, her parents would know about it.

I thought about looking for Sirius, then I remembered that the reason I had gone outside in the first place was that he had disappeared with Chip, so I decided that it was probably less scarring for me to leave them alone. Eventually, my stomach led me to the kitchens, where I actually found Lily. She was bent over a large shiny bowl, industrially mixing something. There was flour on her nose.

"Watcha doin?" I asked, pulling a barstool up to the island.

She looked up, startled. "What does it look like I'm doing, Potter?"

I leaned over the bowl, and saw that it contained brownie batter. I looked back up at her, and I knew my eyes were as wide as saucers. "You bake?"

"Yes…" she said warily, carefully pouring the batter into a pan.

I'm not kidding: I'm marrying this girl. "Is there anything you _can't _do?"

She grinned and handed me the bowl while she put the pan into one of the ovens, setting the time. Then she produced two spoons, and we started "cleaning" the bowl.

"Come to think of it, I'm not all that great on a broomstick," she mused, rubbing at the flower on her nose. Unfortunately, all that did was cover the tip of her nose in brownie batter, but I don't think she realized.

**Yes, this is the mind of the ONE and ONLY **_**Lily Evans!**_

I couldn't help but feel a little _Lady and the Tramp_-ish, what with Potter and me across from each other, eating out of the same bowl. I straightened and set my spoon down, looking at him—all of his attention was on the remnants of the brownie batter, very much like a male.

I admired his boyish good looks, and the traits of the man he was becoming. His dark messy hair hinted that he had just gotten off of a broom, and even as I watched, he ran his free hand through it. His cheeks and chin were shadowed with cobalt stubble, which I had never noticed before. In the last year or so, he had sprouted like a sunflower on Miracle Grow, and his arms and legs had an unfinished look to them, as if the rest of his body was still catching up. He had thick, dark lashes, and an elegant nose, his jaw strong. Finally, he set his spoon down and looked up.

"What?" he asked, his mouth curling into a wary grin. I licked my lips and propped my chin on my hand, continuing to stare in silence. "What did I do?"

"James," I said briskly. "I have decided that we can be… friends."

I thought his eyes might pop out of his head. "Come again?"

"We should be friends," I repeated.

"Really?" he asked carefully.

I nodded. "I think it was inescapable."

"You know what they say. There's a fine line between—"

"I SMELL BROWNIES!"

Chip and Black tumbled out of one of the pantries, still pulling on clothing.

"OH! _OH! _We keep FOOD in there, Chip!"

She rolled her eyes, settling on a barstool. "Yeah well, it's all vacuum packed and crometically sealed, anyway."

James had a look of horror on his face. "But we still EAT it!"

The tense silence was broken by the loud beep of the oven timer. We all locked eyes. The battle was on.

I lunged for the oven and yanked the door open, but Sirius had his wand out and was levitating the pan already. James hexed him and Chip caught the brownies with a spell before they hit the ground. I snatched her wand, and Sirius jinxed me. A bubble forced its way out of my mouth, and when it burst, it said 'I _love_ James Potter!' In my voice. We all stopped for a moment at that, then resumed the battle.

Bubbles still bursting from my mouth at fifteen-second intervals, I dropped Chip's wand and shoved kitchen mitts on my hands. I grabbed the brownie pan out of the air and ran for it. James reached into the refrigerator and nicked a carton of milk, hot on my heels. I skidded to a stop and slid into a linen closet, James with me. He sealed the door behind us, putting a sound proofing charm on it.

"James, you're so _gorgeous,"_ cooed my latest bubble. I scowled, and James undid the charm, laughing. I laughed with him. "Good job, Potter," I congratulated, offering my hand.

"And you, Evans," he said brightly, shaking my hand enthusiastically. He conjured two glasses and a knife, then I poured milk for each of us. He lit his wand tip and set it aside, providing us with light.

I took a bite of hot brownie, then a hasty gulp of milk. "You know Sirius," James said, shaking his head. "He's so crazy, sometimes he makes _other_ people go crazy."

I shrugged. "I don't know if he's had much affect on Chip, though. I mean, she always was the madder of us two."

"I don't know about that, Lily. I mean, you're the one in a suspicious position with _James Potter," _he teased.

"What do you mean, suspicious?" I asked naively.

"Lily, we're locked in a linen cupboard with a soundproofing charm on it."

I blinked. "Oh damn." Then I grinned. "Well Potter, why don't we make the most of this?"

Milk shot out of his nose as he choked, utterly shocked. "W-wha-what?" he sputtered.

I laughed. Hard. "James, you should have seen your face!" He continued to stare like a deer in the headlights. "What?" I demanded. "Merlin, Potter, it was just a joke!"

Potter finally swallowed and wiped the milk off of his face. "God, Lily, are you _trying_ to kill me?"

"Well, not at the moment. But, you know, I could if you want," I mused. I ate another brownie bit, thinking.

"You're a cruel woman, Lily Evans."

The tone of his voice made me look at him, and it was my turn to be startled. "Sorry, what? I was thinking."

James smirked. Uh-oh. I don't think I like where this is going. "Are you going to ignore the fact that we have now kissed a grand total of two times? Are you going to just pretend like nothing is happening between us?"

I felt myself lean forward. My eyelids drooped. "Yes," I whispered. Our lips were just a breath away when I pulled back. I flushed and lowered my eyes. "My parents will be home soon."

I started to stand, but James grabbed my hand and pulled me to him. He kissed me in a fevered manner, and my hands knotted in his messy hair as I kissed him back. Time passed—I'm not sure how much—before the door suddenly swung open. We both froze, our lips on each other's. I was suddenly very aware that I was caught redhanded in a full-out snogging session with James freaking Potter.

We slowly pulled apart and looked at our two best friends, who had obviously used _Alohamora_ to open our nice little closet door. They both struggled to smother their smiles. "Found it," Chip giggled to Sirius, leaning down and taking the brownies. Then they left. And shut us back in.

Potter's face looked ghostly in the pale light of his wand, only half of his mortified face illuminated. Then it hit me. I just snogged James Potter.

"Um."

The door swung open again. Chip. "Oh, and just so you know, your parents are home, so you might want to get out of the cupboard before they come looking for you."

Oh.

Bloody.

Hell.


	28. In Which the Obsessed Groupie Returns

Disclaimer: My latest conspiracy theory: The universe is out to get my baseball caps. Okay, so my Mum and my Ag teacher (pretty much my surrogate father) have something against me wearing baseball caps. I LOVE my baseball caps. Lately, my caps have been disappearing, ever-so-subtly. They've even got my puppy in on it! No, really. When I'm not around, she hoards my stuff (tank tops, shoes, etc) and sleeps on it. I found one of my caps under her the other day, and it is the ONLY one I can find. It's a conspiracy to take away ALL of my caps! ARGH!

**Lily POV**

Argh. Yesterday was my birthday, and I have spent all today closed in a room with my mother, Chip, and Petunia, making final arrangements for the wedding. Shoot me now. There's catalogues spread out all over the floor, various plates from food, and Chip is asleep, drooling on a picture of a pretty bride eating a piece of wedding cake. The woman looks like she's never had a bite of cake in her life. Bloody models.

So after spending _three hours_ on the difference between primrose and yellow, Petty's now fussing over the little bride and groom for the top of the cake. Oh lord.

"But _Mum,"_ she whined. "They just don't look right!" She toyed with the little couple, a frown on her horsey face.

"Oh, for the love of god!" I whipped out my wand (HAHAHA, no longer underage, suckers!) and said a quick animation charm. Chip was suddenly awake, and she and I both ducked, cringing in fear of my sister's wrath. When she didn't instantly smite me, I peeked.

Petunia was staring at the little couple in her hands. They were perfect copies of herself and Vernon. Little Petunia fussed with Vernon's tie, then arranged her bouquet to her satisfaction and smiled charmingly. Vernon put his arm around her and managed to look a little less unattractive than usual. Slowly, Petunia put the caricatures on the ground. Then she threw her arms around me, sobbing.

"Oh, thank you Lily," she blubbered. Everyone sat frozen in shock. I patted Petunia on the back, perturbed.

She pulled back, dabbing at her tears with a handkerchief. "Ha! Everyone will wonder how we did it. Let those fussy housewives feast on that!"

Petunia and I got on amazingly well after that. Well enough that I even managed to keep my mouth closed during the dress fittings later that day. And believe me, it wasn't easy.

Chip stood next to me as we stared in the mirrors. "I'm going to kill you," she muttered.

We were both wearing midnight blue silk—to set off Petunia's coloring, of course. While it did no evil to either of our complexion, the dresses themselves were a sight. Wherever ruffles and bows could be fit, there were ruffles and bows. I'm sure that the dresses themselves were quite pretty, but really. On _Chipper Poseidon_ and _Lily Evans?_ The boys, who were next door having their tuxedos fitted, were going to have a ball with this.

"So Lily?" Chip asked as the designer made last pin adjustments. "What's going on with you and James?"

"Nothing's going on with me and James—Potter!" I hissed, glancing over my shoulder to make sure Petunia and Mother couldn't hear us.

"Lily, you were making out in a linen closet!"

We were still bickering quietly as we left the store. Suddenly, we were interrupted.

"YOU!" Came a wild shriek from behind us. Just as the four of us were turning to face the sound, someone tackled me. I looked up into the blazing brown eyes and wild blonde hair of my attacker and began screaming for help. I knew exactly who she was. She beat at me frantically, calling me all sorts of things along the lines of 'whore, man-stealer, trollop, harlot', and I beat back, but she had the advantage of surprise, and she was heavier than me.

Finally, someone tore the girl off of me. I was able to quickly identify my savior as James, before he identified my attacker. Seeing her face, he released her with a girlish scream, jumping away from her.

"JAMSIE!" the girl leapt at him, and he ducked. I jumped up and smacked her across the face as she made another dive for James.

"Um, Tracie, you have _got_ to leave me alone!" James said. Dammit, the prat's hiding behind me!

She made a swipe at me. "But Jamesie, we _belong_ together!"

"Tracie, I'm with Lily now. You have to understand that!"

"She doesn't love you!" she screamed, managing to grab my arm and twist it up behind me. I swore as she drew me away from them, cackling insanely. Oh shit.

James slowly advanced while my family stared in blank horror. Chip and Sirius looked like they were torn between terror and hysterical laughter.

"Tracie, look, Lily and I are in love. You don't want to hurt the love of my life, do you?"

She paused. "YES!" She yanked my arm higher, and I screamed as she stretched the tendons.

"Is there a problem here?"

"Kingsley!" I said cheerfully, seeing the big man coming near. I love Aurors. When I'm older, I'm going to marry one, I swear. "Help!" Tracie tightened her grip, and we all heard the grinding pop as my shoulder popped out of the socket. I groaned. So not funny.

"Hey, isn't she the one who—"

"Kingsley, HELP!"

"Oh, right. I hate it when St. Mungo's patients get loose." Wordlessly, he froze Tracie in place. "They should guard that place with dementors, I _swear,"_ he muttered as he freed me.

"Thanks," I gasped. James was instantly at my side, his arms around me.

"Er, could you…?" he asked.

"Be glad to," Kingsley said, even as he waved his wand, setting my shoulder as if the crazy bitch had never touched me. His back was to the street, and I knew that no one had any idea magic was going on. "All right, I'll just take care of her, then. Have a good summer, kids," the young Auror waved us off.

"Thanks!" we called, heading back to the others.

"Er…" Everyone stared at us. "James has a bit of a fan club back at school," I hedged.

"They can get pretty out of control sometimes."

"Oh." They appeared to wish to leave it at that. As we headed home, Sirius leaned over to us.

"Hey, isn't that that girl who impersonated Evans?"

"Yep."

Chip and Sirius broke into waves of laughter. Glad they thought it was funny.

.xXx.

After everyone headed to their own beds later that night, I paused in the hallway, then rapped my knuckles on James' door. He pulled it open, wearing just pajama bottoms. He raised his eyebrows, seeing me standing there in my own pajamas.

"Yes?"

"James, can I talk to you?"

"Sure, what's up?" he closed the door behind him and walked me to the nearest living room. We sat down together on a couch.

I rubbed my arm uncomfortably. "Well, it's just something Kingsley said, that's been bothering me. He mentioned something called… dementors?"

James leaned back, assessing me. "And you chose to talk to me, instead of Chip?" I paused. I hadn't even considered asking Chip. Could it be that I was actually beginning to enjoy _James Potter's_ company? I shrugged in answer to his question. He grinned briefly.

"The dementors are the immortal guards to the wizard prison Azkaban. They are hunters, and they are protectors. You don't want to cross them, though. They are the opposite of happiness, Lily. A dementor will suck away all of your happy memories and make you feel the cold of hopelessness. They bring back your worst memory and replay it over and over. The only thing that will repel them is a Patronis, which is difficult to the point of being ridiculous. To create a Patronis—"

"You have to focus on a happy memory, I know," I said with a smile. "I do know my Charms."

He grinned. "And it's hard to do when you can hardly remember ever being happy." He trailed off, eyes hazy.

"You've seen a dementor, then?"

"Once." James shuddered. "The ultimate punishment is the Dementors' Kiss, in which the dementors suck out someone's soul."

Impulsively, I rested my hand on his arm. He looked down at me and attempted a smile. His hazel eyes took on a curious cast. I asked the question for him.

"James, really, what's going on between us?" He blinked slowly, and I followed his long, almost feminine lashes with my eyes.

"Damned if I have any idea." He leaned over and lightly kissed my cheek. "Go to bed, Lily."

And for once in my life, I listened to him.


	29. Wedding

A/N: You should all love me, because I think in the beginning that I only meant for this fic to be like twelve chapters long or something.

Disclaimer: OMGWHATWASTHATOVERTHERE::ducks::

**Lily POV**

You know, I never thought I'd walk down the aisle with James Potter. Sorry, I totally just realized how that sounded, and no, we're not getting married. It's my sister's wedding, you prats. You guys suck, you know that?

Anyway, the whole thing was beautiful, yadda yadda yadda, but it was standing there, in the middle of the wedding, holding Petunia's bouquet, that I looked up and realized something. Because I looked up, and James Potter was looking back at me with his beautiful hazel eyes. And in the middle of my sister's wedding, I realized that I wanted to like James Potter. _I_ wanted to be the one he bought flowers for. _I_ wanted to be the one whose hand he held. _I_ wanted to be the one he whispered to in the Common Room. Dammit, I wanted to own his perfect bum!

As you might imagine, this can be very distracting in the middle of a wedding when you're the maid of honor. I hate James Potter.

**Back to James' ever-lovely mind and his perfect bum. Well, not **_**back**_** to his perfect bum, but back to James, who has a perfect bum.**

Great, so here I am, staring at Lily all through her sister's wedding, and she looks up at me and catches me at it. Fantastic, so now I'm going to look like a stalker or something.

You know, Lily had actually had a stalker once. She doesn't know about him, though. Sirius and I took him into the Room of Requirements for a little chat, then when we were done 'chatting' we stuffed him in this wardrobe thing. No one's seen him since. Funny, that. I wonder what happened to him.

So anyway, I was just looking at Lily, musing over how beautiful she would look dressed all in white at a wedding alter, and she looks up at me. I must admit, those gowns are fairly atrocious, but she still looks beautiful. That girl is fantastically gorgeous, did you know?

Lily is quite distracting. And now she's the most delicate shade of pink from looking at me. I wonder why. She's obviously not angry, because then she turns a wonderful bright red that rivals even _her_ lovely hair. Fantastic! She's not angry with me for staring a—_no._ No way. I think she's _blushing!_ My looking at Lily made her blush. What does that mean? I must ask Sirius. Or Chip. Actually, I'll probably ask both of them because they're never apart anymore. And no, they're _still_ not actually dating.

You know, speaking of dating, I wish Lily would go out with me. She's so perfect. I'm perfect. Therefore, we'd be perfect together! And we'd have a perfect kid! Um, you know, after we dated and got married, of course. Because I'm chivalrous. Really, I am! I hold doors open for girls and stuff. Um, right.

Sirius smacked me on the back of the head. "What was that for?" I snapped.

"Well, the whole wedding thing is over, and you and Evans are both still standing here staring at each other, and _I_ want to go eat cake!"

Startled, I looked across the dais, only to find Lily engaged in what I can assume to be a similar conversation to what Sirius and I are having. She glanced up at me and turned that delicate shade of pink again.

**Lily Cam! (which is happening at the same time as Potter Cam after the wedding)**

This can't be happening.

"_Lily_!"

I mean, it was one thing to like James, 'cos I could keep that to myself.

"Oh my god, Lily! Voldemort's here!"

That was simple.

"James just turned him into a clock!"

This is… not simple.

"Sirius just threw the Voldemort Clock into traffic!"

I mean, this is _beyond_ liking James Potter.

"I'm dating Sirius Black!"

"The devil you are!" I snapped, coming into the real world.

"Now that I've ripped your attention from James Potter, I would like to inform you that the wedding is _over,_ and everyone's leaving," she said dryly.

"How do you know I was thinking about Potter?"

Chip smirked. "I never said you were thinking about Potter. I was just pointing out the fact that you two have been _staring_ at each other since the wedding was halfway through. So what's up?"

"Nothing," I hedged.

She snorted. "Right, and I'm a dancing hippogriff."

"That can be arranged, you know."

Chip raised her hands in defense. "Right, I forgot you could use magic now."

**Yeah, that's right, back to the Amazing James Potter!**

Right, so here's my dilemma. We're at the reception, and everyone's having a blast. Lot's of people are dancing. See, that's not the dilemma. The dilemma part comes in where I note that I _really_ want to dance with Lily, and there's enough going on that her parents probably wouldn't notice if she refused to dance with me. But I really, really want to dance with Lily Evans. She and Chip got to change out of those horrid dresses, and now she's wearing a pretty little green satin number, and looks positively luscious.

Hell, screw this, I'm going to ask Lily to dance with me. I really hope I come out of this with all of my body parts still attached.

So here I am, ten minutes later, sitting back where I started, because I got halfway there and chickened out. Then I turned around and came back here. Where I am obsessive compulsively folding a white cloth napkin into an origami swan. Which, apparently, is possible. Oh, I know! I'll use it as a peace offering!

Lily looked up from toying with her spoon when I cleared my throat. Behind her, I could see Chip and Sirius out on the dance floor. "Um, Lily?"

"Yeah, James?" she asked softly, her emerald eyes curious. My god, I love this girl.

"Do you… want to dance?" She opened her mouth, and I thrust the origami swan at her. "Take this and don't hurt me!"

Her lips pulled to the side in a lopsided smile. Which looks curiously like mine. Ha! Lily Evans is unintentionally mimicking my smile! Er, yeah. "I didn't know you could make origami out of cloth napkins," she mused, toying with it. Finally, she set it down on the table next to her purse. "Well, that aside, I was going to say yes, and ask you what took you so long. I was about to come over there and ask you, myself!"

I grinned foolishly and took her hand. Sirius winked at me as we stepped out onto the dance floor. Naturally, a slow song started up. I took Lily in my arms and breathed deeply. I could smell her sweet perfume, feel her heart beating against my chest. Sighing, I pulled away a bit so I could look into her face.

"Lily, I need to know something." She looked up, confused.

"Now?"

I nodded. "I need to know how to act with you when we get back to Hogwarts."

**Back to Lily, who is possibly going to have a cow. Or an aneurysm. **

All I could do was stare back up at him. Here I was, so comfortable in his arms, content to just be with him, when he asks me _that._ We still swayed back and forth to the music, somehow. I swallowed. What can I say?

_Lily,_ I mentally chided myself. _You snogged the boy! Put him out of his misery already! You've decided that you want to like him. If you tell him you want it to go back to normal… it'll go back to normal. Look at you! You're blissfully in James Potter's arms. Are you _trying_ to ruin this?_

Now he was worried with my silence, looking down me with dark eyes, his forehead rumpled right between his eyebrows. I felt a soft smile touch my lips, and there was nothing I could do about it.

"I don't know," I said at last, honest. I heard him catch his breath, and his eyebrows drew together just a little more. "I don't want to lose this," I assured him quickly, and was rewarded with seeing his face clear.

"Then what _do_ you want?" he asked.

"What do _you_ want?" I challenged

He blinked, obviously not prepared to have his own question turned back on him. Then he grinned his crooked smile. The James Potter smile. I'll have you know that I think he's rubbing off on me. I've started to smile his smile on occasion. Good lord.

"Lily," he said softly, leaning down so that his lips brushed my ear as he spoke. "All I want is you… in my arms, just like you are right now. I don't care what else happens, as long as I have you."

"So we're good?" I verified as he straightened.

He grinned that same grin. God knows I love that one. "We're good," he whispered, pulling me close again. A more lively song started up, but we stayed as we were, dancing in our own world.

It was a wedding, after all.


	30. He Must Be Crazy

A/N: So, like, I'm writing this in absolute physical torture. I have been in the car for eleven hours now, so my bum and my back hurt like none other. I can't feel anything from the knee down because my 100 lb golden retriever is sprawled across my lap, and my 4 month old golden retriever puppy is lying on my feet. Therefore, pretty much all of my circulation has been cut off. Also, I started out this morning writing in a notebook before giving up and using my lappy. What made me make the switch? We went over a particularly large bump and I stabbed my thumb with my pen. There is now a fairly gaping hole in my thumb. Oh, and I just bit my tongue.

YAY for road trips to Arkansas!

Disclaimer: I solemnly swear that these characters are mostly not mine, and they are absolutely up to no good.

**Lily POV**

We were all at the breakfast table when our school owls swooped through the open kitchen windows. Eagerly, the four of us ripped open the envelopes and scanned them. Finishing mine, I carefully set it down and smoothed it out, before getting up. I pushed my chair back in, then commenced into an entirely maniacal happy dance. Chip and Sirius watched with amusement. James had turned the strangest shade of white, and was still staring at his letter.

"Gee, what do you think is wrong with her?" Sirius mused to Chip as I continued to dance.

"I have absolutely no idea," Chip answered lazily. "Do you think she might have made Head Girl?"

Sirius faked surprise. "Lily Evans, Head Girl? Chip, where do you get these absurd ideas?"

"I dunno, maybe we should ask her."

"Probably."

"So, Lily? Where's the bee you're trying so hard to cruelly slaughter?"

"I'M HEAD GIRL!" I shouted gleefully. "Head Girl, Head Girl, Head Girl!" I was laughing now, continuing with my dance and my chant. "Head Girl, Head Girl!" Eventually, I fell into my chair, still laughing breathlessly. I looked across the table to James. "James Potter, what is _wrong_ with you?" I demanded.

As white as a ghost, James looked at me with wide eyes. Wordless, he held up a badge. _HB_ was inscribed boldly across the red-and-gold front, just as _HG_ was inscribed across mine. You could have heard a pin drop. The look on James' face was priceless.

Suddenly, I jumped up and grabbed his hands, pulling him from his seat, and we commenced dancing maniacally together, to a mantra of "We're Heads, we're Heads, we're Heads!" Chip and Sirius watched us, amused.

My mother and father appeared in the doorway, and I could see a terrified maid behind them, obviously having roused them to witness their child's insanity. They were both wrapped in their dressing gowns.

"So, what's wrong with the two of you?" my mother asked at last.

"I'm Head Girl!" I shouted at the same time James shouted "I'm Head Boy!"

My parents stood in silent amusement as we continued to dance. Then, laughing, James grabbed my waist and swung me around in a circle. Finally, he set me on my feet and gave me a quick kiss.

I froze then, as my parents congratulated us. I was frozen because the… _casualty _of it took my breath away. He kissed me as if he kissed me all the time, like it was an afterthought, like it was no big deal. And the fact that he acted as if it wasn't a big deal made it a _huge_ deal. It was like it was natural for James Potter to kiss me just because he was happy.

I was in so deep.

.xXx.

I reached my arm out and smacked the crap out of my alarm clock, eventually hitting the right button. Sitting up, I yawned and stretched. Part of me hates the end of summer vacation, but most of me loves it. Returning to Hogwarts is like going home, really. I don't know what I'll do after this year.

But who cares? I'M HEAD GIRL! Take that, karma.

I looked at Chip, who was still sleeping contentedly. I think that girl could sleep through a hurricane. A _loud_ hurricane. Leaving her, I left to go wake the boys up.

I stopped in James' room, first, and opened the door and entered, closing it behind me. I crossed the room and sat down on the bedside. Okay, really. No one should look that cute while sleeping. Not even _I_ look that cute while I'm asleep. At least, I'm pretty sure.

And, by the way, I can be a terribly diabolical person at times.

Muffling giggles at my evil plan, I stripped my dressing gown and climbed into bed next to James. I pulled the straps of my nightgown down so that they weren't visible, then pulled the band out of my hair, mussing it up purposefully. I pulled the duvet over me, completely hiding my nightgown, and noticed that James was sleeping without a shirt. I pressed myself flush against James, propping my head on one of my hands, then set my plan into action.

I placed my free hand on his chest and smiled sleepily, letting my 'sex hair' drape around my face. "Morning lover," I said, my voice rusty.

**Jamesie's turn!**

I opened my eyes slowly, and registered that Lily was lying next to me. I smiled smiled, then closed my eyes to stretch. Waaaaaaaaaait…

My eyes snapped open and turned to face her. "SHIT!" I pulled back so fast I fell out of bed, then jumped to my feet. "Lily! Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I don't—I don't even remember! Not, of course, that I'm saying it wasn't good, 'cos I'm sure it was, not that I'm trying to be nasty—not that it was nasty, or anything, but what on _earth_… shit, we're Heads, Lily! We'll never live this down! No, we can't tell anyone! Unless, of course, you want to, and OH MY GOD, WHAT IF YOU'RE PREGNANT! Dammit, I'm too young to be a father—you're too young to be a mother! We'll be totally shamed, and we'll be kicked out of Hogwarts and left on the streets! Our parents and friends will abandon us and we'll be laughing stocks! Not that I'm ashamed of us, Lily. I'll marry you, if that's what you want. I can't believe I did something so unchivalrous! Not that I'm blaming you! And oh—WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING? LILY, THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

True to tale, Lily was sitting on my bed, laughing her ass off… WEARING A NIGHTGOWN! Wait… I'm wearing pants… aw, dammit.

"LILY!"

"I'm sorry! I just could resist, and you looked so cute, and… oh my god, you should have seen your face!" I felt my jaw drop. She was so dead. "And good lord, do you really think I'd marry you just because we sl—"

I cut her off with a kiss, which seems to be a pretty effective way to make her shut up. When we pulled away, I smirked. "What was that, again?"

"You suck."

"That's what I thought. I'm going to get you for that, you know," I assured her.

"I'm sure you are," she said sweetly. "You being so diabolically clever and all."

I made a face and kissed her again. "Get out of here. We do _not_ need to be late."

She giggled and fluttered her fingers at me in a delicate and teasing farewell as she skipped out the door. Girls.

**Back to Lily, who is completely and totally freaking out, because she's HEAD FREAKING GIRL!**

I straightened James' badge for what was _probably_ the 113th time, but I'm not sure. He irritably brushed my hands away. "All right, I'm great, can we go now?" he demanded.

"Just a second…" I ran my fingers through his hair, trying to straighten it. You don't even want to know how futile that was.

"Lily, you know that's futile," Remus quipped.

"Fine, let's go."

"You two play nice with the other children," Chip called as we headed off to the Prefects' meeting.

"I don't want to hear from your teachers!" Remus added.

"Keep your clothes on!" Sirius shouted, louder than necessary.

James and I rolled our eyes and continued to the meeting.

.xXx.

"So, you know we're going to have our own Common Room and everything?" James asked as we sat with Chip and Sirius later. The two loudmouths were asleep on each other's shoulders, and Remus was predictably buried in a book.

I paled. Oh bugger.

Now, of course, this sounds like a fantastic arrangement, doesn't it? I mean, what girl _wouldn't_ want to share living quarters with James Potter?

Um, me.

Lord only knows what the two of us will be capable of when left alone for long periods of time—namely during the night. You think we're bad stuck together during the day, what with the sexual tension and everything? Yeah, add darkness, firelight, couches, and subtract all human beings besides ourselves.

Like I said, oh bugger.

"Lily?" I looked up at James and a strangled noise escaped my throat. He smirked. "Don't worry, Lily. I'll take care of you." There was no mistaking the heat in his voice, especially when he wrapped me in his arms and drew me close to him. I threw a frantic look at Remus, who was still reading.

Without looking up from his book, Remus said, "Oh, don't mind me. Chip and Sirius have already told me about your festive holiday snogging. Just don't be too loud."

"Yeah, well did they tell you that we found them shagging in one of the pantries at my summer house?" I snapped. I'm going to kill Chip.

Remus looked at me levelly. "No, they left that part out. Thank you for the mental images, Lily." With that, he looked back at his book and drew a sound proofing charm around himself.

"Satisfied?" James asked. I only got to glare at him for a split second before he lowered his lips to mine and I totally forgot to be embarrassed that a completely awake and lucid Remus was sitting cattycorner to us.

But then, I've heard James Potter's lips can have that affect on people.

.xXx.

"Woah."

Yeah, that word, in James' voice, pretty much covered the situation. Our Common Room was pretty much like the Gryffindor Common Room. Only, on steroids. Lots and lots of steroids. Further discovery showed us that our rooms were perfect, and the bathrooms were a more amazing version of the prefects' bathrooms. There was even a small kitchen.

So pretty much, we were never going to leave. And somehow, I don't think I would mind if we didn't. Come to think of it, I'd be perfectly happy to stay here with James Potter, after all.

At least, that's what I thought. Until I made it to the Great Hall the next morning.


	31. She Must Be Crazy

A/N: Somehow, I think you're going to enjoy this chapter…

Disclaimer: Psht, Jo has nothing on me!

**Lily POV**

I stopped by the Tower to pick up Chip the next morning. Sleepy-eyed and hating the world once again, we made our way down to the Great Hall for breakfast. And were instantly reminded of the Marauders' beginning of term prank.

Everyone was looking confused as to who the lingerie hanging all over the Hall belonged to—until Chip and I walked in and our faces turned completely beet red with fury and embarrassment. It was early enough that the professors weren't in the Hall yet. With a sneaking suspicion, I looked down to find myself and Chip clothed only in our knickers and whatnot. This is possibly the simplest, most primal trick one of us has played on the other. God. Dammit.

"POTTER!"

"Yes, my darling Lily?" he asked sweetly as he and Black approached us.

"Potter, I'm going to kill you," I threatened seriously. Apparently, he realized that I wasn't joking.

"Oh, come on, Evans," he said. We had fallen back into our old habit of calling each other by our last names. "It's just a prank. You're overreacting, just like always."

"Don't patronize me, Potter!" I snapped.

"Why not?" he demanded.

"Because you sound like my boyfriend," I replied, my face still red.

"So?"

"Well, you're not!"

"But I could be!" he snarled, glaring.

"Then ask me!" I shouted.

"Go out with me, Evans!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Still glaring, he tossed me his robes, which I angrily slid into, wrapping them around my body. He turned to the occupants of the Hall, who were ogling at us, and the fact that they just saw their Head Girl in her knickers.

"Stop looking at my girlfriend like that, you prats!" he bellowed. Everyone returned to their business, talking animatedly about what they had just witnessed. With a wave of his wand, James collected all the undergarments that were hanging around and put a hand on my lower back, guiding me possessively back up to our rooms.

Chip and Sirius were nowhere to be seen. Bad mental images.

Back up in our dorms, I got dressed again and put all of my lingerie away. Then James and I had a nice snogging session before class.

**Now to James… who is pretty much speechless.**

All I can say, is don't try that at home, folks. Things such as this should only be conducted by highly trained professionals—such as myself—or you may come out of it missing some of your more favored appendages. Come to think of it, it's quite spectacular that I came out of it in one piece. But you know what?

I'm going out with Lily Evans. Take that, karma!

…**And Lily, who is now going out with James Potter. **

Ha! Now I own his perfect bum! Oh. _Oh!_

"Hey Lily, we should get to class," James said, grabbing his bag.

"Go on, I'll be there in a jiff," I assured him.

"Okay. See you there."

As he turned his back to me and left, I waved my wand and muffled giggles at the affect. Then I slung my bag over my shoulder and followed him out, on the verge of whistling cheerfully.

I hate whistling.

I caught up to James and grabbed his hand, twining my fingers at him. He looked down at me and smiled. "Cheerful much?" he asked. I just nodded. "Oh, um, sorry about this morning's prank, Lils. I just…" The hall was filled with laughter as we passed. James raised his eyebrows. "What do you suppose they find so funny?"

"No idea," I said, straight-faced.

Suddenly, Sirius slung his arm around James' shoulders. "Ah, women. They get to the best of us, don't they?"

"What are you talking about?" James demanded.

"Oh-ho! I see Lily has you whipped already," Remus laughed, joining us.

"What is everyone so amused by?" James asked, his face turning red with frustration.

Remus raised an eyebrow. "James, I'd—er—look at my arse, if I were you."

James stopped dead in his tracks and twisted around. There, on his perfect bum, was _Property of Lily Evans, Head Girl._ "Oi! Lily!" I couldn't answer because I was laughing too hard. "Ugh, Remus, get it off!" After a couple of tries, they realized that I was the only one who could fix it. With that, I dashed off to Charms, giggling.

And thus the entire school came to find that James Potter's perfect bum belonged to Lily Evans, Head Girl. Most of the chits in his little fan club fainted when they saw it. And when I say 'most' I mean all. Although, it was a rather amusing way to broadcast our relationship. Not that everyone didn't find out that morning when we screamed at each other in the Great Hall, but it helps to remind them, you know?

.xXx.

So here I am, _patrolling_ the halls. At one a.m. Which roughly translates to 'I'm off to the kitchens, and I really hope I don't get locked in again'. I must be crazy. And I own James Potter's perfect bum. And better yet, everyone knows it.

Girls: 679

Boys: 666

And no, I'm not even joking.

Speaking of the boys, I wonder if Chip and Black are _ever_ going to date. _THUMP._ I just walked into a boom cupboard door. The person who opened it guiltily peered around to see who they hit. Of course.

"Chip, help me up, you whore," I said, rubbing my forehead.

She snorted and waved goodbye to the Ravenclaw boy who was in the cupboard with her. I guess that answers my earlier question. She reached down and helped me up. "So, off to the kitchens?" she asked.

"No, I'm, er patrolling?"

Chip rolled her eyes and we headed down to the fruit portrait. "Right, Lily."

"Hey, you'd better be nice to me. I could sooo give you a detention for snogging in the broom cupboards, especially at one o'clock in the morning."

"Says the girl who earlier today declared her ownership of James Potter's arse."

"Watch it, girlie. He's got a perfect arse, if you haven't noticed."

Chip tickled the pear, and we walked into the brightly lit kitchens. Naturally, the Marauders were already there, digging their forks into a huge chocolate cake. Two forks were set aside.

"Ah," Sirius said magnanimously. "We thought you lovely ladies might join us!"

Chip and I just laughed and sat down at the island with them and started eating.

"Lily," James whinged. "When are you going to take the words off my arse?"

"Well…" Oh… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's not _his_ bum, because it belongs to me! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA:chants: I own James Potter's bu-um, I own James Potter's bu-um.

Chip realized what I was thinking and snorted. "Actually James, it's not technically _your_ arse, because _technically,_ it belongs to Lily…"

He blinked. "Oh damn."

"Does that mean that if I wrote 'Property of Sirius Black' on James' arse, I could own it?" Sirius asked.

"You'd have to fight me for it," I growled, looking at him menacingly.

Sirius raised his hands. "Okay, okay. Never mind, then." He turned to James. "You've gotta be careful with that one, Prongs. She's like handling fire."

"Aww, Sirius," I said, pretending to blush. "You think I'm that hot?"

Sirius rolled his eyes while James slid his arm around my waist and pulled me into his lap. "So, Lily, what body part of _yours_ can I own?" he asked me.

I smirked and flipped him off. "This one," I said innocently.

He just smirked back at me. "Okay." He waved his wand, and _Property of James Potter, Head Boy_ scrawled across both of my middle fingers. We just looked at each other and started laughing. Oh man.

So James and I went around for the rest of the week, proclaiming to the world that I owned his bum, and he owned my middle fingers. The professors weren't entirely amused.

A/N:** READ THIS! ** I know it's not very long, and for as short as it is, it should have been up _ages_ ago, but I started a new fic (no, it's not posted yet). It's my semi-promised Oliver Wood story. I won't post it until either this or _Wandering Eyes_ is finished. I also admit that it's no longer a strictly OW story, because it's in Katie's POV. Yeah, it's personally too much work to do it from the POV of a male for me. Whatever. Anyway, look for that when I post it, it'll be called _Obsessed._ Original, eh.

Oh, and I'm toying around with another LJ oneshot. Lily and James are popular, attractive, smart, and vain as all get out. Can a late night fight in the Common bring them eye to eye? It won't be lovey-dovey for the most part, so I'm not sure about it, but it could be interesting.

Give me feedback on all of this, PLEASE! This is your authoress begging for advice! I love you all, and the amount of reviews I've been getting has totally flattened me! Thank you so much!

FM


	32. The SHAG Dare!

A/N: Urgh, sorry this took so long, but I was in California, visiting my older sister for three weeks, then I got distracted by some little ficlets for the end of book seven, and then I had band camp, which I just got back from. So, this is kinda short, but I think the end of this story is drawing nearer. I know a lot of you thought that the last chapter was the last one, 'cos I end a lot of my fics when my characters get together, but I'm trying something a little different and drawing it out a bit more. Besides, I really like writing this one. Leave a review, my lovies!

Disclaimer: Come on, I'm writing for you at 36, 000 feet above sea level on my way back to Texas from California? Jo doesn't love you that much. I'm pretty sure.

**Lily POV**

I was sitting on a couch in the Gryffindor Common Room, reading, when Chip pounded into the room and collapsed on the cushions next to me. She was scowling, and promptly produced a bottle of luridly pink nail polish from the pocket of her worn jeans and began painting her nails. I set my book aside and watched her for a moment, waiting for the outburst.

"That's it," she snapped after the third nail. "The next boy who cheats on me gets a foot in the nuts!"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Chip, you do realize that you're like a total whore, don't you?"

"Yeah, but I'm a respectable whore who's too hot to get cheated on," she said, painting another nail. "Being a teenager sucks."

"Don't worry," I assured her easily. "It's not us. It's them. Them and their stupid boy penises."

She sighed. "I hate boys."

"Yeah… me too, but the whole lesbian thing just doesn't do it for me."

"Shut up, lover," she teased. "Or I'll leave you for another woman."

"No, Chip, you're the only girl for me! I would DIE without you!" We giggled and first years stared, wide-eyed. As Head Girl, I should really stop being such a bad influence on the younger classes, but really, look at who's Head Boy. It can't get much more scarring from there. Poor kids.

I started at a loud shout from outside of the Common Room, but she didn't even flinch. "What was that?"

Without looking away from her nails, she replied, "That was Girls: 683, Boys: 672."

James and Sirius stumbled in, covered in whipped cream. _"Chip,"_ I groaned, looking at my boyfriend.

"See you later," she said slyly, fading from the scene. As I glanced around for her, I realized that Black was gone, as well. How the hell do they do that?

"So, Lily?" James asked, grinning.

I looked him up and down, and he ran a hand through his hair, which proceeded to stick straight up due to the whipped cream. It now looked even more disheveled than normal, which is really saying something.

"Yes?" I asked, slightly wary.

"Wanna go back up to our Common Room?"

I didn't even have to think twice, but really. I've _got_ to stop being such a bad influence! Next thing you know, I'll be snogging boys in broom closets in the middle of the night!

.xXx.

**Jamesieville!**

I cracked open the broom cupboard door a little and glanced out. "It's clear," I whispered to Lily, and grabbed her hand as we darted into the dark hallway, closing the door behind us. We flattened ourselves against the wall and started to creep along, praying we wouldn't get caught.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this!" she hissed, squeezing my hand reprimandingly.

I chuckled. "Come on, you know the whole living-on-the-edge thing is hot."

"Okay, maybe a little," she admitted grudgingly. Her stomach growled loudly, and we both winced.

"Brownies?" I guessed.

Lily sighed. "Yup."

I snickered. "To the kitchens!"

A few minutes later, I tickled the pear and swung the kitchen door open. Chip and Sirius were already there with a mountain of brownies. Chip smirked.

"Out for a late-night snog?"

"No," I said coolly. "We were patrolling.

She and Sirius both snorted as we sat down. "Potter, next time you're going to try that excuse, wait for the swelling to go down on your lips, straighten your tie, and fix Lily's hair. Really," she said, shaking her head.

Lily blushed. "At least we're not shagging in other peoples' pantries."

Sirius shrugged. "You keep bringing that up like we're ashamed of it. I don't think Chip and I have a problem with shagging _anywhere."_

"Well said," she said approvingly. Lily and I exchanged a glance.

"Anywhere, eh?" I asked.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Thinking of a dare, ol' Jamesie boy?"

I saw Lily and Chip roll their eyes. "Perhaps."

"Name the place."

I smirked. "McGonagall's desk."

Chip choked and Lily's eyes flew open wide. Sirius turned beet red. "Well, er, actually, Prongs… we've _already_ shagged on Mickey's desk."

"Is _nothing_ sacred to you two?" Lily demanded.

"Um, pretty much, no."

"Slytherin tables in the Great Hall?" I asked.

"Done it."

"Shrieking Shack."

"Yep."

"Greenhouse Six?"

Chip yelped and Sirius winced. "Yes," she snapped. "And some plant almost ATE me!"

"Astronomy Tower?" I tried.

Sirius raised an eyebrow and looked at me like I was a simpleton. "Prongs, _everyone_ shags on the Astronomy Tower."

"Roof?" Lily tried.

"I almost fell off," Sirius recalled.

"Is there anywhere you two _haven't_ had sex?" Lily wanted to know.

"My bed!" I cried triumphantly. "They haven't…" I trailed off, looking at their faces. "Padfoot, I'm gonna _kill_ you!" I then proceeded to chase him around the kitchen until Lily separated us with a wave of her wand.

"Wait… you two haven't done it on _my_ bed, have you?"

Chip snorted. "Please. I know you'd kill me."

Lily sighed in relief. "Thank God."

"Oi, why didn't _I_ get that consideration?"

"Because Peter's bed is icky and there's something so… _wrong_ about shagging on Remus' bed. He'd probably have a heart attack if he found out, poor lad," Chip said fondly.

"What about _Sirius'_ bed?" I snapped.

They both blinked. "Whoa… Sirius, I don't think we _have_ shagged on your bed!"

Lily and I both looked at them in disbelief. "You've shagged everywhere in this castle _except_ Sirius' bed?"

"It would seem so."

"Oh my God."

Without another word on the subject, the two of them simply left, theoretically to go fix the issue. Lily and I stared after them.

"You've got to be kidding me."

"James?"

"Yep?"

"What time is it?"

I stared at her uncomprehendingly for a minute before I realized what she was talking about. "Shit!" We both made a mad dash for the portrait, and barely made it out before it slammed shut. I panted theatrically. "That was so close."

"Aw, dammit," Lily snapped.

"What?" I asked, concerned. I took her hands in mine and looked down at her. She was scowling impressively.

"I didn't get my brownie."

I couldn't help but to laugh.


	33. Cool Whip

A/N: Do you know what I realized just now? This story is now 33 chapters long… and it doesn't have a plot. Seriously. There isn't an actual plot. How pathetic of me is that? Man.

Disclaimer: Um, if the whole toothpaste-fixes-blemishes thing isn't actually true, then I look like a serious dork right now. Jo's so over pimples. And if she wasn't, well, she's got enough money to have something done about it, unlike me, who's sitting here with toothpaste on her face, praying no one walks into my room.

**Lily POV**

Oh my god. I _don't know._ I'm Lily-freaking-Evans, and I DON'T KNOW! Mental hyperventilation happening here, people!

Now, you're probably wondering what it is, exactly, that I don't know. Well, I don't know the name of this boiling, raging emotion that's welling up in the pit of my stomach. And no, I didn't eat anything suspicious looking at lunch.

Let me describe the scenario for you.

So James and I are walking down the hall together for Transfiguration, when I hear this high-pitched squeal. I turn around to see who had made such an ungodly noise, when I see Christa come barreling at me full tilt. So she flings her arms around me and wails about how much she's missed me. James and I haven't had that much contact with the older Gryffindors bellow seventh year lately. We have class with the seventh years, and we help younger students around Hogwarts and whatnot, but we haven't spent a whole lot of time in the Tower, which really limits contact. So, she finally lets go of me—and launches herself at James.

Now, she's got her arms and legs wrapped around my _boyfriend,_ who's holding her up off the ground, laughing and hugging her back. Hence this weird emotion. Could it be that—

"You're jealous!" Chip gasped later as we sat on my floor, eating chocolate frogs.

I stared at her. "But, I'm Lily Evans," I reminded her. "Lily Evans does not get jealous. _Especially_ about James Potter."

She rolled her eyes. "And Lily Evans doesn't date James Potter, either, remember?"

I stuck my tongue out at her. "I'm not jealous."

"Sounds like you are, Lils."

"Chip, be realistic! I didn't even get jealous when I found that one guy I was dating—what was his name?" She shrugged. "When what's-his-name was snogging that blonde Hufflepuff."

"That blonde Hufflepuff was a guy!"

"It was still an opportunity to be jealous," I muttered.

She pressed her lips into a thin line. "That means you like James," she said solemnly.

I rolled my eyes. "Of _course_ I like James, numbskull."

Chip shook her head. "No, I mean you _really_ like him. My god, you got jealous because Christa-who's-head-over-heels-for-bloody-Remus _hugged_ him!"

"It was a very enthusiastic hug," I huffed.

Now she smirked, knowing she had me. "You seriously like James Potter."

"Well… you seriously like Sirius Black!" I retorted, triumphant.

She tossed her head back and laughed. "Are you serious? God, Lils! Black and I do _not_ like each other—not like that."

"Gah! Chip, you're shagging the boy!"

"So?" she asked, shrugging. "I've been shagging him for quite some time now, and we still don't have 'those feelings' for each other. It's more of a friendly-enemies-with-benefits sort of thing."

"Don't you ever get jealous knowing he's with other girls?" I wanted to know.

She looked horrified. "Lily, the day Sirius or I gets jealous about the other is the day we stop shagging. It's like a wordless agreement."

"I'm surrounded by idiots."

"At least I don't _really_ like James Potter!"

I threw a headless, still-kicking chocolate frog at her.

**Jamesaroo! Who's probably going to kill me for calling him Jamesaroo!**

So, Lily's been acting weird lately, and I don't know why. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "My god, how thick can he be? He's GOT to know why she's being weird—it's so obvious!" But really—I'm a guy. Hence, I don't do the whole understanding-emotions thing. The only thing I know how to do is offer chocolate and not say anything.

Oh. Maybe I should go do that.

…

Okay, scratch that. I went to go offer Lily chocolate, and in the process of opening the door, saw her throw a still-kicking chocolate frog at Chip. It didn't have a head. Needless to say, I closed the door and high-tailed it out of there before either of them saw me. I'm just sort of hoping she gets over whatever's wrong with her soon.

I like my head.

And I like my girlfriend, so I sort of miss her being normal. Or, normal for her.

.xXx.

Right, so I'm just now returning from a highly enlightening conversation with Moony. (A/N: AGH! The first time I've so much as written Remus' name since DH was released. /sobs/) He thinks Lily's jealous, 'cos he says I'm still the most egotistical, flirtatious prat he's ever met. Padfoot doesn't count, because he's the most egotistical, flirtatious, BASTARDICAL prat _anyone's_ ever met. And I know bastardical isn't a word, but whatever.

Are you getting this? Lily likes me enough to be jealous of girls I talk to! Told you I was gonna marry her. Yeah, I know it's pathetic that you could _read_ the fact that I'm smug. I am _so_ a goner for that girl. Seriously. So seriously that I don't even dare make a Sirius-serious joke, and, _man,_ I'm good at those.

So here it is:

I _REALLY_ LIKE LILY EVANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know how lame that sounds, and it's going to sound even lamer as I try to explain that what I mean is that I like-like her, not just like her. I _like_ my girlfriends. I _really like_ Lily Evans. See the difference?

Oh good God, just avada me now, before someone starts singing about cool-WHIP. Because I am so whipped.

Damn. James Potter is whipped.

Fortunately, it's by someone as gorgeous, smart, wonderful, kind, caring, smart-ass, kick-ass, daring, scary, lovely, and perfect as Lily Evans. Anyone else and it would just be pathetic.

…I am _so_ not helping my case, here.

Fine, you know what? I'm not ashamed of it!

LILY EVANS, WHO I REALLY LIKE, HAS ME TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, AND IRREVOCABLY WHIPPED!

"Mate, that's really not something you should go around broadcasting," a sixth year Ravenclaw said as he passed me in the hall, his eyebrows raised.

Oh bugger.

A/N: I know, I'm so sorry it's not longer, but school and band have _me_ whipped right now. Whatever free time I've had, I've been using to _sleep_. Blech. Still, I love you guys!

Also… I got _two reviews_ on my last chapter for _Wandering Eyes._ First of all, I am a shameless review-whore, and second… that just _hurts_. Seriously. That kind of thing no-makey me wanna post. Until the next chap.


	34. Extortion and Brownie Batter

A/N: Er… this is where I get down on my knees and grovel at ya'll's feet. And I just actually typed 'ya'll,' because I am a shameless Southerner, and I make one-syllable word into multiple syllable words and vice-versa, thus often using the offending word, ya'll. Seriously—I say things like po-erch (porch). Also, I just couldn't think of another word to go there. I use ya'll too much.

Aaaaaaanyway, back to the groveling. Seriously, I haven't been on the computer at _all_. Our band directors are this side short of cracking slave whips over our heads, my horse is a masochistic _idiot,_ my lamb's attempting to choke itself, my goat's trying to get fatter than it is tall, my physics grade just took a suicide-attempt drop from 95 to 81 'cos I totally flopped a test, my English teacher is a completely stoned hippy-Hitler in disguise, the PSAT is coming up, I've been putting off a history essay for over six weeks, I just had to get braces on freaking _three_ of my teeth 'cos my Invisalign turned a tooth sideways, I need to work on my résumé for Leadership, I shattered a jar of maraschino cherries on my hand last night, and I almost cut my longhorn's head off in welding the other day.

So… I'm still sorry about being a shitty updater. Please spare me a little grace, and I love you!

Disclaimer: Today's Daily Dipshit Award goes to a football player from my high school. Said football player sped over a low water crossing, hydroplaned _half_ off the road, and then decided that (with his BIG STRONG football-playing muscles) he could _lift_ his car back up on the road. The car rolled down and completely shattered his leg, and after a week in the hospital, doctors were forced to amputate his foot.

And people wonder why I look down on football players.

**Lily POV**

Standing there with most of the Seventh Year Gryffindors, in front of McGonagall, wearing nothing but my bikini and a black eye, brownie batter dripping down my body, I could only think of how it had all started.

.xXx.

Chip bounded into my room, a mischievous grin on her face. I spared her a wary glance before returning to my reading. I think James was down in the Gryffindor Common Room with Sirius and Remus. Or, at least, that's where I found him later. Rather, where he found me.

"Lily, I'm bored," she complained as she flopped down on the couch next to me.

"And you've obviously found a solution, or you wouldn't be grinning like the Cheshire cat," I retorted. "And whatever it is that you want to do, the answer is no."

"Liiiiiiiiily," she whined. "Come on. When's the last time you spent some good-old quality time with your bestest best friend?"

I rolled my eyes. "Chip, we spend quality time with each other _every day._ James was complaining about it just last night, remember?"

"Please?" Chip used the puppy dog eyes. Dammit.

I sighed and set my book aside. "What is it that you want to do?"

She yipped with glee and grinned. "Go put your bikini on." Still wary, I did as she requested, throwing a robe over it. Then she grabbed my hand, pulling me out of my Common Room and down several Hogwarts halls until we reached the Tower. And in the Common Room, several people were standing confusedly around an overly-large child's blow-up pool. I mean, the thing was bloody huge—it took up most of the free space in the room.

And it was filled with mud.

"No _way,"_ I said instantly. "Chip, I am _not_ mud-wrestling!"

Now she grinned smugly. "But Lils, it's not mud."

Oh god. Only one thing could look that much like mud, and not be mud. "Chipper Poseidon, is that—"

"Brownie batter," she affirmed with another flash of her Cheshire grin. "Now what do you say?"

.xXx.

I can honestly say that the next thing I remember is wrestling with Chip and three other girls in that enormous vat of _warm_ brownie batter. I'm not even joking. It was _warm._ Naturally, we had gathered a large crowd of sex-crazed boys who were shouting, cat-calling, taking bets, and drinking Butterbeers.

The most pathetic part is that it was _fun._ Like, really, really fun.

I grabbed Chip around the shoulders and threw her on her back in the batter, tackling her and trying to hold her down. Another girl grabbed me and pulled me up, flipping me over and trying the same maneuver with me. I shook my tangled, disgusting hair out of my face and knocked her legs out from under her. Chip jumped on my back, and I whirled around, trying to dislodge her, accidentally coming in contact with the fist of the girl who was trying to pull Chip off of me.

Hence the later black eye.

After a long time of this lovely sport, a totally shocked cry froze me in my tracks.

**And now to James… who has never been more shocked in his life. And that includes the first time he kissed Lily Evans and everything.**

So… imagine my surprise. I walk down the boys' stairs, having gone to visit Padfoot and Moony, and I hear shouting and chanting. And… squelching. So, I push through this enthusiastic—_male—_crowd, only to find my _girlfriend_ mud wrestling. _Mud wrestling._ In the Gryffindor Common Room.

"**LILY?"**

**Back to Lillers! (momentary disgust at self and poor name-calling)**

The worst part… was that I didn't care. I didn't care that James Potter, my adoring and adorable boyfriend, Head Boy, the Marauder, had just found me brownie-batter-wrestling with Chip and a few other Gryffindor girls. I didn't care about what he was going to think. I didn't care that his eyes were about to bulge out of his head.

I didn't even care that he was probably going to have _a-mazing_ dreams about this for the rest of his life.

It was all too easy to read the expression on his face. Seriously, I can't blame him. It was mirrored almost perfectly on the face of every other male in the Common Room, the only difference being that this was James Potter.

"James," I replied, too levelly. I smirked at him.

With that, he fairly launched himself across the Common Room at me, and we slipped in the batter, falling into the pool of it, snogging wildly. Naturally, there were tons of catcalls and innumerable flashes of pictures, but I wasn't to be distracted by them, too concentrated on snogging the living daylights out of my boyfriend.

My brownie batter-covered boyfriend.

Unsurprisingly, there were several thick splashes around us as others followed our bad example. Seriously, what kind of role model am I? First I plaster my name on the Head Boy's arse, now _this._

But really, you know it's like the hottest thing _ever_.

I don't even know who started the music, or when Chip disappeared with Sirius, Wood, and that girl from, like, a year ago—actually, I don't even want to think about that one—or who added the whipped cream. I did realize, however, that the batter _stayed_ warm, and that James tasted more delicious than ever, all covered with it and everything, and that his hair was spectacularly wild. He wasn't wearing his glasses, which was good, otherwise they might have been coated beyond all magical repair.

I don't know how long we all snogged in that damned pool of warm brownie batter-slash-whipped cream. All I know is that my lips were spectacularly kiss-swollen and James' bottom lip was ridiculously bruised by the time we all heard the one thing that could freeze our pulses like nothing else.

McGonagall.

Angry McGonagall.

Angry McGonagall standing _right there._

Seeing us all.

Covered in brownie batter and whipped cream.

Some of us in our bikinis.

All of us snogging each other.

The walls of that Common Room have never heard such an impressive lecture in all their long years, I swear to Merlin.

**James P-P-P-Potter!**

Dear lord, I'm afraid we might have scarred McGonagall irrevocably. Poor woman. But screw that, I got to snog Lily Evans in a pool of warm brownie batter, wearing just her bikini. Her, not me. I was wearing clothes. Like a normal person. But that's not important.

Good god, I love dating that girl, and I'm going to marry her. Sooner rather than later.

Now I've got to go wash this damn batter out of my hair.

**Lily Everlands!**

I swear, I am _never_ going to get all of this goddamn brownie batter out of my bik—oh dear lord, I'm a witch. Why do I _never_ remember this in practical moments? Seriously, this is just freaking ridiculous! Well, now that I've got it out of my bikini, I should probably try to get it out of my hair. Which is also going to take freaking forev—oh dear lord! I'm a witch! I AM A WITCH! I AM A FARKING WITCH!

I think I need a valium.

On the brighter side of things… um… ah… I'm dating James Potter?

What's really funny about that is if you tried to put that sentence together a few years ago, to make it "brighter," you'd have to replace "dating" with "killing." Well, I'd say things have taken a turn for the better, don't you think? Me and James, coexisting lovingly in a… oh god, he's sucking my brains out! I JUST MADE A GRAMMATICAL ERROR! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

With this horrific realization, I shut off the water to the shower, wrapped a towel around myself, and flung open the door to my room. Only to scream, backtrack, slam the door again, fling open the other bathroom door, which opened to James' room, and stumble in there. James jumped to his feet, startled, then looked at my lovely attire, confused.

"Lily?"

I blushed, clutching my towel more firmly around myself. "Chip and Black are SHAGGING ON MY BED!"

He gaped at me. "They're not!"

"Trust me," I assured him darkly. "They most _definitely_ are."

James shuddered. "Damn. I would say I'm sorry, but…"

"But because of them, I'm standing in your room wearing a towel and soaking wet, I know. So, ah, wanna help a girl out, here?" He looked at me blankly. "You know, clothes?"

He looked completely torn for a moment. No, he _didn't_ want to give me clothes, because, face it, it was totally to his benefit to have me wearing just a towel. However, he's also a gentleman, and he knows I'd hex it out of him. "Hold on." He fished a pair of drawstring pajama bottoms and a hoody out of his closet and tossed them to me.

"Turn around," I ordered with a smirk.

"But _Liiils,"_ he protested with a grin, even as he turned around. I laughed as I changed.

"Okay, Romeo, you can turn around," I said, using to towel to semi dry my hair. Then I just dried it with my wand. I know what you're thinking. 'Um, if she's got a wand, why doesn't she just freaking ACCIO her clothes?' Well dearie, my clothes can't fly through walls now, can they? Nope, and I don't really want any doors opening. I've seen enough shagging for one night, thank you.

"Aw, I missed the fun part," James whined.

"Shut up." I smacked his shoulder and kissed him before he could complain about it.

"I think that's extortion," he mused idly, playing with my hair.

"Nope. It's coercion. Extortion is this: I'll snog you for an hour right here, right now, if you promise to slip something really nasty into Sirius' bed tonight."

"Isn't that blackmail?"

"Wrong again. Blackmail is this: You _will_ slip something really nasty into Sirius' bed tonight or I'll tell the entire school that your pajama bottoms have puffskeins on them."

He contemplated the offending garment—or my arse, it's hard to tell which—for a moment. "I think I'll go with the extortion. I suppose since it _is_ extortion, you get the point for it?"

"Bingo."

"All right. Then I demand my payment now."

I only had the chance to laugh briefly. _Very_ briefly.

**PotteryLottery (Oh dear lord, I need to work on those)**

Extortion is hot. That's all I have to say, folks. H. O. T.

A/N: Urgh—I know it's short. It would be longer, but I had a /er/ minor setback that had to do with using laughing gas for the first time in my life to have a cavity filled. Ah, let's just say it'll never happen again. But I love you guys, even if my posting habits make that seem questionable at times.

FM


	35. Mickey's Tale

A/N: Um… I didn't fall off the face of the earth? You can't see me (I think!), but I'm groveling at y'all's feet. Fanfic won't let me log on! Well, obviously it eventually did, if you're reading this, but… There are no words to convey how completely sorry I am. I love you all… if you're still even bothering to read this fic…

A/N2: This is me, freaking out, because for the first time in 24 years, my band made it to State UIL. Not only did we make it to State, but we also made finals. So, out of all 347 (I think) bands in Texas, mine is in the top 10. I would give the exact number, but I'm occasionally a little paranoid about the internet. This being one of those days. Anyway, WHOO FREAKING HOO!!!!!!!!

A/N3: Um, if you still have any love for me at all, even though I'm totally aware that I'm a REALLY bad authoress, go read _The Case of the Marauders' Sexualities._ I promise it's hilarious!

Disclaimer: Argh, matey!

A/N3: Guess what! McGonagall gets a say in this one! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Mickey Cam! NOoooooooooooooooooo way!**

Once cannot expect me to truly own up to my age, being a professor, but let me say that in all my years, no students have tried my patience and my temper like my seventh year Gryffindors. I still remember their first night at Hogwarts.

I was sitting up at the staff table, when Albus nudged my elbow. "See that?" he asked, gesturing to the Gryffindors. The first years were clustered together, wide-eyed and excited. The boys who were to be the future Marauders were already whispering conspiratorially. Even as we watched, one of them began tugging a redhead's curls when she wasn't looking. After just two tugs, he wound up with a face-full of Shepherd's Pie.

I grimaced, imagining trials to come—and yet all the horrors I imagined were _nothing_ compared to the actual thing. "Yes," I replied.

"James Potter and Lily Evans," he told me, his eyes sparkling. "Mark my words—those two are going to do great things together."

Since Albus Dumbledore has never said a word without having a reason to say it, I filed that statement away for further consideration. It soon became clear that he was right… in a way.

I quickly found that James and Lily were both exceptionally bright students.

Lily's grades were flawless; she had a knack for Charms, but she spent every spare breath she had studying Transfiguration, so she was just as apt in it. She was the perfect student: clever, witty, she always had her homework—sometimes several days in advance—she never got into trouble, she never even spoke out of turn.

James was completely different. His grades were good, yes, but if he had put forth effort, he might have been Lily's academic equal. He was a natural in Transfiguration, and not so adept at Charms, but—unlike Lily—he was okay with it, and he let it go. He was the perfectly maddening student: clever, witty, never had his homework, always in trouble—playing pranks with the Marauders—and he was _always_ talking.

Yes, I agreed that they were both going to do great things in life—just not together. Never together. Lily was too in love with the rules, and James was too in love with breaking them. Of course, we all knew that Lily broke the rules nearly as much as James did—we were completely and totally aware that a war was going on under our noses. Lily, however, was very careful; she never got caught. The Marauders were brash and bold, charging into situations headfirst—and often Lily and Chipper _helped_ them get caught. They just didn't know that we knew.

As time passed, we teachers grew deft in handling their quirks and spats. The fact that they were our best students often helped—it made us tolerant. Other times, that same fact sent us over the edge—("Since you're a good student, I'm going to let this slide." "You're the best students in this school! You should know better!")

By their fifth year, it became obvious that Lily and James shared a gift of people skills. Their fellow students looked to them for leadership and guidance. It was amazing to see, really. And quite disconcerting, considering the fact that they spent most of the time hexing each other.

It has been said before that if Hogwarts gossip were to cease, the walls themselves would cave in. I believe this to be true. It also means that I knew the very day James Potter kissed Lily Evans for the first time. Actually, I knew that same _hour._ By that evening, there was a pool started in the staff room. Well, there were really two pools. One was considering when they would start dating, and one was about what sort of injuries James would come out of this whole deal with. I virtuously ignored the pools. Okay, so I virtuously ignored the second one. My bet was on them getting together at the beginning of seventh year.

Gossip flew like never before when that girl stole Lily's identity. Her protectiveness of James was duly noted. More bets were added.

We all knew when Lily asked James to come home with her for the summer. I crossed my fingers and hoped my bet would hold. I mean, really, imagine what sort of trouble the two of them could get into, spending the entire summer holidays _without_ my guiding hand. They'd either wind up as greasy spots on the wall or married.

Obviously, I won the pool. Then one was started on when they would get married. I upped the anti and bet that he would propose to her on their one year anniversary—James was a classic romantic—and get married the next spring.

Our hopes had been leaning towards the insanity dying down once Lily and James finally started dating. I mean, it was absolutely mad back then. First they'd blow hot, then they'd blow cold. Now, though, it's even _worse,_ if that's possible. Instead of hot and cold, it's hot and _hotter._ I found my Head Students _snogging_ in a vat of warm brownie batter, along with half of my Gryffindors! What was I supposed to say to that? What _was_ there to say to that? Well, naturally, I said the first thing that came to mind.

"What is the meaning of this?" I demanded once I'd gotten over the initial shock.

Lily and James were the first to separate and leap to their feet. Beneath the brownie batter coating, I could see that their faces were dead white. Lily's inner academic was the first to find its tongue. "This is a pronoun," she said shakily. "Indicating the aforementioned person or thing."

I just stared at the girl, bless her. I believe this was the first time she'd ever been in trouble. So I just read the lot of them a _very_ long and exhausting lecture, then had them clean up the mess. James looked decently sheepish—if the most infamous troublemaker in Hogwarts _can_ look sheepish. Lily just looked positively mortified. I almost felt bad for her, but really. She was _snogging_ in a pool of brownie batter! In MY Common Room! Judging by her black eye and the bikinis, the girls had been wrestling, first. And I smelled the distinct sent of firewhiskey from the crowd, but I really didn't feel like opening up that can of worms.

What in Merlin's name did I do to deserve this? I'll bet Snape never has this predicament, and he's the sleaziest slimeball I've _ever_ met, no matter that Albus says. Although, I can't say this in front of students, of course. They have enough poor examples, what with their Heady Boy and Girl being who they are.

Really, I do love Lily and James and I probably wouldn't prefer life without them, but honestly. If they didn't exist, I likely wouldn't have gray hair. Oh. Oh my god.

I just realized that they will likely one day have children. Fairly soon, too. Great, so just as soon as I get rid of those two, there will be more of them! I need a drink. Almost as much as when I realized Poseidon and Black had shagged on my desk. Yes, they think I never found out. They forget who they're dealing with. Really, is _nothing_ sacred to those two?!

Maybe I should just keep firewhiskey on hand. The way my job tends to go, it just seems like a good idea. I can't believe it's taken me this long to figure it out.

"PROFESSOR McGONAGALL!"

Why did I take this job?

A/N: I know it's ridiculously short. A longer Lily/James chapter should be coming out before Christmas. I at least owe you that much. Again, SO sorry!


	36. A Thestral Themed Date?

A/N: …because I'm attempting to make up for my bad behavior. And also I think every good Harry Potter fanfic should have Thestrals in it. ;)

Disclaimer: So I was watching Harry Potter the other day (Sorcerer's Stone) and when they're serving detention in the forest, you know how there's that dead unicorn? Yeah, when they leave, there's a closeup of the unicorn's face. It has fangs. No joke. What the hell kind of unicorn has fangs?!

**Lily Flower's turn!**

"James," I groaned, stumbling over a tree root. "Where _are_ we going?"

He held the bandanna that was wrapped over my eyes more securely. Said bandana was making me a little nervous. "I told you, Lils. It's a surprise." I thought the bandanna was a little excessive, considering it was pretty much pitch black outside, with the exception of the moon, but James has always had a feel for drama.

I growled, but it wasn't quite as impressive as I had hoped it might be. "If you're taking me on another 'romantic' moonlit broom ride, I will personally tear off your head with my bare hands and then mount it above the fireplace in our Common Room." If he thought I was joking, he was sorely mistaken. After that lovely experience, I couldn't look down from more than a few steps off the ground without getting queasy.

"Would I ever do that to you again and face your wrath?" he wanted to know. "I _promise,_ it has _nothing_ to do with broomsticks."

I walked in captive silence for a few moments. "You know Chip and Black are, like, have a free-for-all shag fest in our rooms right now, don't you?"

"Shh, Lily," he said in a hushed voice. Uh-oh. Anything that calls for a hushed voice has got to be dangerous, and I've come to find that dangerous things do not react well around the two of us. McGonagall, for instance.

Then he pulled the blindfold off, and I was met with… nothing. I rolled my eyes. "James, what the hell is wro—" he clapped his hand over my mouth and pointed to a carcass on the ground. Oh, real romantic, James. Just great… oh. _Oh._ Hunks of meat were being torn away from the carcass and disappearing into thin air. That could only mean one thing. "Thestrals," I breathed. "Can you see them?"

He shook his head. "Of course not."

I thought about it for a minute. "So… why did you bring me out here?"

His teeth flashed in a wicked grin. "Well, if you don't like broom rides, how about a Thestral ride?"

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR BLOODY MIND!?"

"Shh," he hissed, glaring. "It'll be great. Like horseback riding."

"Horseback riding?" I asked flatly. James nodded. "You _are_ out of your bloody mind."

He just made a face at me, grabbed me by the waist, and swung me through the air… to land on the invisible back of a Thestral. I swallowed a scream. Sort of. You know, I'm pretty sure he meant to jump on behind me, but the Thestral screeched and launched itself into the air. I _did_ scream, then. I heard James swear, and judging by another inhuman screech, threw himself onto the back of another Thestral.

"Just like horseback riding, eh?" I called hysterically over my shoulder.

"Um, I've never ridden a horse," he admitted, his voice several octaves higher than usual.

"Me neither!" James' Thestral winged in beside mine, and I gave him the Evil Eye. "Just so you know, I'm going to KILL you if I ever get my feet back on the ground."

He laughed nervously. "Now Lily, be reasonable."

"THIS **IS** ME BEING REASONABLE!" I clung to the invisible creature's neck. "And if we both die, I'm going to make _sure_ you get sent to HELL!"

"Come on, Lils, don't be like that," he soothed. Unfortunately for him, I was in no mood to be placated. Just then, the Thestrals folded their wings and dove sharply and we went careening in a spiral of death towards earth. You'd better believe I screamed bloody murder. They both pulled out their wings just before we were pasted into half-invisible smears on the ground. Just then, I saw Chip and Black snogging wildly under a tree.

**"CHIP!"** I screamed as loud as I could. Remember the Flying Potato incident? Yeah, _that_ loud. I saw her pick her head up and look around. **"HELP!"**

"WHAT THE HELL, LILY?"

"THESTRAL!"

She and Black pulled a pair of broomsticks out of—literally—nowhere and jumped on them, chasing after Potter and me. Which, apparently, the Thestrals didn't like. Those ruddy invisible bastards kicked it into high gear. Yes, more screaming. A glance backward showed Chip and Black flat-out on their brooms, chasing us and laughing. Of _course_ they were laughing.

"James, don't you have your wand?" I demanded.

"No!" he shouted back. "Don't you have yours?"

"This is supposed to be a date! I didn't exactly expect to be dragged into a potentially life-threatening experience!"

He rolled his eyes at me. "Lils, you should know by now that _anything_ that I plan is potentially life-threatening."

He has a point, there. Stupid boy. "Chip! What's the plan?" I looked behind us and my jaw dropped. "CHIPPER POSEIDON, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"

The mad hatters grinned at each other. "We're going to rope the Thestrals!" True to tale, Chip and Sirius were swinging lengths of rope over their heads, like cowboys about to rope calves. One of them had already made cowboy hats. Stetsons, by the look of them. Sirius' broom had a fake horse head and reins, but fortunately Chip has more dignity than that. Oh, nope, I lied. There she goes—her broom just whinnied.

I traded a desperate look with James. "We're surrounded by idiots!" I whined.

He was about to reply, but two looped lariats sailed past us. I stared as they slid over the Thestrals' invisible heads. James' Thestral reared, tossing him off its back before he could grab for its head. Fortunately, he managed to snatch hold of its tail. The Thestral screamed, annoyed, and swished said tail. James swayed, scowling.

"You do not even _want_ to know what this tail feels like. Hey, what—" Sirius had roped his foot. "No, Sirius, DON'T!" Black yanked on the rope, pulling James free from the Thestral. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I watched, less than amused, as my boyfriend swung upside down from his friend's grasp. "Black, you tosser! What's wrong with you?" Just then, my Thestral seemed to realize that it, too, had been roped. It barrel-rolled and I let go of the bloody thing. God, I wasn't even going to _try_ to stay on it. Those things are bloody insane. It was just natural reaction to let it go. Unfortunately, we were a couple hundred feet up in the air.

Which I really should have thought about beforehand, you know?

"Padfoot, you prat, let me go!" I heard James snap. "Lily!"

"Fine," Black said, laughter in his voice.

"SIRIUS, I WASN'T BEING LITERAL!" he shouted, and moments later, James was beside me in the air, scowling something fierce. The rope was still around his foot.

"Oh look, my knight in shining armor," I teased, straight-faced.

"Funny, Lils."

"CHIPPER POSEIDON, YOU'D BETTER SAVE MY ASS THIS INSTANT!"

"All right, all right," Chip growled. "Keep your shirt on, woman!"

Seconds later, Chip scooped me up on her broom. I rolled my eyes. "James, too, if it's not too much trouble."

"Oi, Black! Get your ruddy arse down here and save your best friend!"

"Fine," Black grumbled, landing James on his broom. "You owe me, Prongs."

James' eyebrows were raised. "You almost killed me!"

"I told you it was a bad idea to take Evans on a Thestral-themed date!"

He opened his mouth to reply, but seemed to think better of it. Really, there was absolutely nothing he could say to that. "He's right, Potter," Chip mused. "That's pretty much the stupidest thing you've ever done, and you've done some pretty damn stupid things. Actually, there's probably some award you could get for this."

"Darwin Award," I agreed. "I would send this in, in fact, if it wouldn't scar the muggles for life."

"Natural selection," Sirius snickered. "I mean, think about how embarrassing this is for you. Chip and I had to save you."

"The same people, mind you, who almost fell off of the roof just so they could say they'd shagged everywhere in Hogwarts," I reminded him, in no mood to forgive tonight's experience.

"Hey, in my defense, Sirius is the one who almost fell off," Chip disclaimed instantly.

"Either way, it makes you retarded." We landed on the ground, and I stumbled off of Chip's broom. "Okay, well I'm done risking my life for the evening. I believe I'll go take a nice hot bath. And no, James," I said as he opened his mouth. "You _will not_ be allowed to join, as always. With that, I turned and headed inside.

**Oh my God, back to James! Poor boy feels neglected!**

Actually, I've enjoyed keeping my thoughts to myself, believe it or not.

Anyway, I watched Lily walk back up to the castle, her shoulders pulled back stiffly. I snickered to myself. God, I love her when she's mad. Chip followed quickly, and I leaned over to Sirius.

"How did it go?" I whispered conspiratorially.

"Boys:736, Girls: 743 now implemented. Our girls will wake up with miniskirts and microtops."

I smirked. "Oldest trick in the book, Mr. Padfoot."

He returned the smirk. "That it is, Mr. Prongs. Why is it we never thought of it before?"

I thought about this. "I'm not sure. But I believe that the two lovely ladies have blossomed. It would have been a shame to take advantage of this one prematurely, you know?"

"That I do, good sir, that I do."

.xXx.

Four days later, I woke up, sleepy-eyed, from an amusedly reminiscent dream of our latest prank on the girls. I seemed more tired than usual, but didn't put anything to it. As I stumbled sleepily through the halls, I ran into Sirius, who was also blinking rapidly, seeming a little dazed.

We didn't even realize that we were wearing sequined pink robes until we stepped into the Great Hall and music from _Flashdance_ started up. Lily and Chip were practically falling off of their bench laughing so hard. Sirius just made a face and walked out of the Hall, searching for his wand. Chip got up and skipped at him, a disturbingly determined look on her face.

Lily's amused eyes were focused on mine, and I grinned, bowing in submission before winking and leaving the Hall with a swirl of that sequined cloak. She met me up in our Common Room a few minutes later. "How did you keep us from noticing?" I yawned, sprawled out over our couch and tying on my shoes. The first thing I'd done was change.

She held up a little bottle, smirking. "Just a couple drops of potion, is all."

I blinked. "So you gave us the equivalent of _date rape drugs?"_

Lily stared at me for a moment with wide eyes. "Well, um, technically…" Then she just burst into laughter. "Oh my god, we _did!_ That's so funny!"

I raised my eyebrows, exasperated. What was I going to do with her? Then I grinned. I could certainly think of a few things, actually. In fact, we still had about half an hour before class…


End file.
